Look for the One Your Heart Loves

Song of Songs 3:1-5

3 All night long on my bed

    I looked for the one my heart loves;
    I looked for him but did not find him.
I will get up now and go about the city,
    through its streets and squares;
I will search for the one my heart loves.
    So I looked for him but did not find him.
The watchmen found me
    as they made their rounds in the city.
    “Have you seen the one my heart loves?”
Scarcely had I passed them
    when I found the one my heart loves.

I held him and would not let him go

   till I had brought him to my mother’s house,
    to the room of the one who conceived

Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you

by the gazelles and by the does of the field:

Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires

Who is the man that your heart loves? Who is  the man that you fell head over heals in love with? Who is the man that God created your husband to be?

News Flash!!!

Our spouse is not perfect.

When we fall in love we see them through rose colored glasses. We notice and dribble over all the small ways that they love us, and if they show us any junk, we are happy to let it slide away, virtually unnoticed.

Then reality hits, and we see their grumpiness when work affects them. We grumble about their lack of planning and foresight. We silently lament their lack of leadership as we change every small decision that they make because we have a better idea. And when defensiveness hits, we immediately make it about us, rather than realizing that they bring their own insecurities into marriage.

It is time for us to “Look for the one our heart loves.” We need to put on glasses that are not rose colored glasses, but holy glasses. Glasses that will help us to see our spouse as Jesus sees them. Glasses that see his hurts and insecurities and extends compassion and grace. Glasses that will show us the man or woman that God created them to be. That can inspire and affirm them to be that person.  We need to be wives that when our spouse messes up, can say, “I know you are a better man, I’ve seen it. I know life is hard, but I forgive you and I am cheering for you.” We need to be husbands that can be compassionate when we feel insecure or afraid.

Put It Into Practice

  1. Spend some time thinking about your spouse past baggage, how they grew up, and the pressures and disappointments as a kid. Think about the pressure and responsibility they carry and extend compassion to your them this week.
  2. Spend some time thinking about the man that God created your husband to be. Picture the best in him, and realize that God wants even more for him. This week speak God’s truth over your husband in who he is in Christ.
  3. Encourage your wife in the steps of growth she is taking. Speak God’s truth over her and who she is in Christ.
  4. Affirm your husband in spiritual growth, Godly character growth or leadership growth. Look for small ways that your husband has stretched or even tried to stretch. Step back and let him lead in even small ways, with no attitude, no judging and no resentment.

Come Away, My Beloved

Song of Songs 8:13-14


13 You who dwell in the gardens
    with friends in attendance,
    let me hear your voice!


14 Come away, my beloved,
    and be like a gazelle
or like a young stag
    on the spice-laden mountain

The end of a series. 

The young Bride has grown from insecurities of worrying about her skin color, to dancing in front of her man. She has grown from urging her groom to take her away with him to inviting him to come away.

God wants us to grow – personally and in our marriage. I think part of the reason God made men and women so different is to stretch us. Marriage is this giant people growing machine that forces us to change in order to love our spouse better. And when we do, we get to experience a whole different world that we might have missed otherwise. It is not easy, in fact it may be one of the hardest things that you do. It takes facing your own humanity and realizing that you cannot do it on your own. Doing marriage will drive  you to your knees and it will drive you right into the arms of God.

I love that Song of Songs ends with her asking him to Come Away. Marriage is not supposed to feel stagnant or boring. It is supposed to be this connection that transports us to another world…

A world where the junk and the stresses disappear.

Where pettiness, selfishness and insecurities fade.

A world where we giggle and sparkle and soak in our spouses delight.

Where we dance with each other naked and unashamed in an open field under the moon light.

It does not require that we physically transport ourselves – though sometimes that is good and necessary. It simply requires that we commune together with God in the simplest of pleasures – reveling in each others bodies, minds, spirits and souls.

So, Come Away


Can You Let Him Browse


My beloved has gone down to his garden,
    to the beds of spices,
to browse in the gardens
    and to gather lilies.
I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine;
    he browses among the lilies.

Do you trust your husband enough to let him go down to the garden, to the beds of spices – and then let him just BROWSE among the lilies? 

Isn’t it a nice thought that our husband could be so relaxed and engaged to “browse.” Browse implies looking intentionally with refreshing enjoyment.

“May I help you?”

“No, just browsing.”

Just admiring, considering, looking, enjoying….

Nothing is off limits when you browse. You can look at things all too wonderful or expensive or impractical for you. You can imagine what you might do with this or that. Instead of worrying about the moment, you can gather new ideas to store away for later. It engages the eyes, the mind, and the other senses – “Does the smell delight me?”, “Do I like how it feels?” There are no preconceived expectations or to do lists. It is just “browsing.”

The question is, do we trust our husband enough to let him just BROWSE? Which take us to another question…

Do you love yourself and your body  enough to believe that your husband would want to BROWSE in the garden?

I think our husbands can tell us over and over again that they love browsing in our garden, and we can still find ourselves wandering,  “Does he really like this?” “What about the smell and the taste?” ” Are you sure it is not gross?” “Hasn’t it been too long?”

Ultimately we have to love our own body before we can really believe that our husband would love our body. I wrote an article called Do you love yourself and I think this a huge deal. We have to realize how amazing our bodies are and that our genitals are not just a bunch of random flaps of skin that trap germs and smell. Our bodies change and engorge as an expression of our arousal and excitement. Whether you realize it or not, your husband is thrilled by how your body responds. So if you don’t love yourself, you need to ask yourself why and replace those lies with truth. Do not negate who God is by negating His perfect creation – you!

Put Into Action

  1. Ask your husband about your garden. Does he ever notice changes? Do your lips change? Does the color change? Can he tell when you are getting aroused?
  2. Pray Psalm 139:14 over your genitals. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
  3. Tell your husband that you want to give your body to him and that you want him to have the freedom to browse in your garden without you worrying and then pray about it together.
  4. Buy a piece of artwork for your bedroom that will remind you to let your husband browse.


Drink Your Fill – Don’t Hold Back

Song of Songs  5:1

Eat, friends, and drink;
    drink your fill of love.

Drink your fill

It is their wedding night. He has wooed her with his words until she can’t stand it anymore and cries out for him to consummate their wedding. They have become one and  then there is this refrain

Eat, friends and drink:

     drink your fill of love.

Many scholars believe this is God himself, rejoicing and encouraging them to drink up – to the point of intoxication. Don’t hold back, have more. Don’t hold back, fill your self.

How many of us hold back because we are scared? Do we hold back because we are afraid of how powerful sex is? How many of us hold back because we are afraid to totally lose control? What if my spouse really sees me, would they still love me? How many of us hold back because we are not quite sure that God would really want us to enjoy sex? To enjoy sex this much?

But God says, “drink your fill”.

I cannot think of anywhere else in the bible that God tells you to “drink your fill”.

In this amazing thing called marriage, we experience a tiny taste of the intimacy that God desires with us. Our sex life with our husband is this playground that he gives us to play in while God is watching and saying to us, “This is only a taste of what I have for you. The freedom you experience in nakedness, the joy of seeing into each other, the unconditional love – it is nothing compared to what I have for you. Keep playing. See what you can discover because there is always more. Find refuge in each other, refresh each other, revel in each other. It is only a taste of what I have for you.”

Put It Into Action

  1. During sex make a conscious effort to experience the presence of the Lord and revel in what He has for you.
  2. Spend some time thinking and praying about whether you hold yourself back from enjoying all that God has for you in your marriage bed. Ask God to reveal  why and take some steps towards healing. Pray, talk to a Godly friend or your husband,  or make an appointment with a counselor.


Milk and Honey are Under Your Tongue

Song of Songs 4:10-11

10 How delightful is your love, my sister, my bride!
   How much more pleasing is your love than wine,
and the fragrance of your perfume
    more than any spice!
11 Your lips drop sweetness as the honeycomb, my bride;
    milk and honey are under your tongue

What does Milk and Honey mean?

Milk and honey express  the abundance of pure means of enjoyment. It describes luxuries  that are plentiful and easily acquired. A metaphor meaning all good things — God’s blessings;  a land of extraordinary fertility.

Ladies –  Milk and Honey are under your tongue?

God has given us the amazing privilege to extravagantly love our husbands. Under our tongues are Milk and Honey – pure means of enjoyment. There is no end to the connection we can experience with our husbands. It is a huge blessing from God, an overflowing, an abundance.

It is as mysterious as the bee that works hard all day to gather pollen and produces natural sweetness flowing in abundance. It is as powerful as life giving milk that nurtures the young in its simplest form and yet  transforms to endless varieties of cheese and cream. The ways that we physically love our husbands are as  mysterious and powerful. God is so creative and His design AMAZES me.

Do not allow anything to corrupt or negate the gift God has given you and your husband. Enjoy it to the fullest!

Put It Into Practice

1. Love your spouse extravagantly with your tongue.

2. Enjoy some whip cream with your husband this week.

3. Sweeten some Hot  tea with Honey and warm up your mouth immediately before taking your husband.


The Little Foxes That Keep You From Being Intimate

Song of Songs 2:15

Catch for us the foxes,
    the little foxes
that ruin the vineyards,
    our vineyards that are in bloom.

 What are your little foxes?

What are the things that keep you from being intimate? Which things distract you from your spouse? What are the things that cause strife between the two of you?

We all have little foxes in our life, that want to create division between us and our lover. Things like spending too much time at work, catering to the every need of our children, and being so busy with good causes like ministry, or volunteering that we have no time or energy left.

We need to watch for the foxes and catch them before they do too much damage. In order to have a great marriage, we must make intentional choices to put our spouse first. We need to come home early, to trust that the kids will be ok with a baby sitter, or simply say no to some commitments. Connecting takes time.

Put Into Action

  1. Sit down with your spouse and ask what  tries to get between the two of you.
  2. Come up with some solutions to catch the foxes before they ruin the vineyard.
  3. Do something that will show your spouse you are making them a priority.


Let Me Hear Your Voice for Your Voice is Sweet

Song of Songs 2:14

My dove in the clefts of the rock,
in the hiding places on the mountainside,
show me your face,
let me hear your voice;
for your voice is sweet,
and your face is lovely.

Let me hear your voice, for your voice is sweet. 

Sometimes the tone of our voice can express more than the words that we say.

Last year I led a women’s bible study on marriage and one of the weeks was titled Godly Communication. During the class, I asked a couple of women to come up and simply ask the question, “Can you take out the trash?” I gave them cards to inspire the tone of their voice, such as disdain, disrespect, frustrated, belittling, neutral, and be my hero. The rest of the class was than asked to interpret their attitude. You would be amazed at how well they communicated their attitude, just through the tone of their voice!

We must search our attitude and our heart before we speak to our spouse, because whether you say it with words or not, they will hear your attitude. Your husband will hear if you think he is your hero, or if he already has failed you, when you ask for help. He will hear whether you respect him, or if you think that you know all the right answers. He will hear whether you look forward to being with him, or you are just checking another thing off of your to do list.

Is your voice sweet? Does your spouse look forward to what you have to say?

Put It Into Action

  1. Search your heart for bitterness, disrespect, or disdain for your husband. Pray about the source, what you can change about yourself, and practical ways to see your spouse in a different light.
  2. Record yourself speaking, or try to get outside of yourself to hear what your tone of voice sounds like. Do you speak to your spouse as nice as you would speak to a friend?
  3. Make your husband feel like  your hero when you ask for something.


Faint with Love or Exhausted with Life

Song of Songs 2:4-5

Let him lead me to the banquet hall,
    and let his banner over me be love.
Strengthen me with raisins,
    refresh me with apples,
    for I am faint with love.

Are we Faint with Love or Exhausted with Life?

When I first met my husband, I remember the anticipation of his lips touching mine. I loved the sweetness of his taste and the weightlessness when he took me into his arms. I felt faint with love. 

But can I expect that his touch would continue to thrill me, or that his eyes could still make my heart pound? Isn’t marriage supposed to get comfortable and worn like a favorite pair of slippers? Certainly most marriages show little spark left, and feel happy to just get through the day.

A lot of people might disagree, but I think our spouse is supposed to thrill us for our entire life. Proverbs 5:18-19  says  May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer – may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love.

Intimacy should not get boring. We are to be captivated always… So what happens?

Kids…jobs….computer….health issues….ministry….tv….. iphones…..financial worries…….LIFE

Everything Gets in the Way of Sex

I think that great sex is one of the ways that we escape LIFE together. If you can shut your brain off from thinking about the next load of laundry, and trust God to get your body going, then you can go somewhere with your husband that is so intimate and holy. Great sex makes memories between just the two of you. Great sex is looking into each others eyes and seeing into depths of their soul. Amazing sex looks like an endless journey of mapping each others bodies. Great sex keeps the spark alive even through the business of kids, job loss, working too many hours and disagreements. It makes a mediocre marriage good, and a good marriage great.

Put It Into Action

1. Spend some time with your spouse remembering your first date and your first kiss. For extra credit re enact your first date.

2. In honor of being strengthened with raisins and refreshed with apples, incorporate some food into your marriage bed… maybe whipped cream, strawberries, chocolate sauce… whatever works.

3. Flirt with your spouse from across the room with your eyes and see if you can catch their attention.

4. Go to bed EARLY!


Is His Fruit Sweet to Your Taste

Song of Songs 2:2-2:3


Like a lily among thorns
    is my darling among the young women


Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest
    is my beloved among the young men.
I delight to sit in his shade,
    and his fruit is sweet to my taste.

Yeah baby! That’s what I’m talking about! Need I say more?

I guess we are going there….

Is his fruit sweet to your taste,

or do you cringe at the thought of loving your husband in that way?

Oral Sex is one of THE MOST INTIMATE ways that you can love your husband and yet many women struggle to enjoy it.

Is it dirty? Is it wrong? Do I have to swallow?  Can I enjoy it, or should I just do it for him?

1. Is it dirty?

Your mouth is filled with so much more bad bacteria than your husband’s penis. Take the simple step of both  of you showering before sex and rest assured, there is nothing dirty about it.

2. Is it wrong? 

There is nowhere in the bible that says within marriage loving each other with our mouths is wrong.

Why do you feel like it is wrong? What if Satan has twisted sex for you through portraying very intimate acts in disrespectful ways through pornography and media. Maybe we have allowed ourselves to participate in oral sex outside of marriage and we feel guilty and dirty. Maybe oral sex has been forced on us, and it has caused pain and walls of protection to be built.

There are a lot of different reasons that oral sex can feel wrong to you, but you need to know that God desires more intimacy for your marriage and his desire is for you to experience an amazing freedom in your marriage bed. He is a God that can heal, that can forgive and that can redeem. Pray about it, talk to your spouse,  or talk to a counselor. Don’t miss out.

3. Do I have to swallow? 

Absolutely not. Incorporate your hands at the same time as your mouth, and when you need to transition to finishing him with your hands, he will hardly notice. Talk to your husband, you may need to figure out a signal initially, but with  time, you will learn to read his body.

4. Can I enjoy it, or should I just do it for him? 

(If you are just going through the motions and hating every minute, resentment and bitterness will fill you, so just stop. Stop and go back to number 2 and figure out what the heck is going on) Knowing your husband through oral sex is one of the most intimate ways to know  him. You can feel him better with your mouth than with your hands or your vagina. You can see him and smell him and taste him. Can you even allow yourself to become aroused by loving your husband? (There is so much more to talk about, so watch for an article soon about the how to’s of giving great oral sex to your husband.)

Is his fruit sweet to your taste?

Put It Into Action

1. If you are someone that is uncomfortable with oral sex, pray about why you feel like this?

2. If you want to take some beginning steps to know your husband this way, just do some gentle kissing, touching and licking of his penis. Watch how it responds, how it moves, how it seeks you out.

3. If  you enjoy oral sex with your husband, try to learn something new about him by stretching him in ways that he has not experienced before. Maybe  a different pace, position, path, or lighting. Or spend some time exploring his testicles.

4. See how much you can allow your body to become aroused as you love your husband through oral sex. Place his hands on your breasts, straddle his leg, watch what is going on, or incorporate a bullet vibrator.


Keeping Sex Fresh – Ideas to Add Some Spice

Song of Songs 1:16-2:1

How handsome you are, my beloved!
    Oh, how charming!
    And our bed is verdant

The beams of our house are cedars;
    our rafters are firs.

 I am a rose of Sharon,
    a lily of the valleys. 

Our bed is verdant?

I wonder what that means

ver·dant – adjective –  (of countryside) green with grass or other rich vegetation – synonyms – green, leafy, luxuriant, overgrown, lush

So we are to have a bed that is covered in fresh grass. Makes perfect sense to me!

We are to have a bed that is growing, that has not turned to weeds, that is freshly watered, and living.

10 ideas to Keep Your Sex Life Fresh.

  1. Have sex with soft lights on and as much eye to eye contact as you can possibly stand.
  2. Take charge and see how long you can keep your husbands peaches ripe before he finishes.
  3. Have sex in the middle of the day.
  4. Ask your husband to blindfold you and trust him to take you somewhere as you let go of the control.
  5. Use your words to seduce your husband. In the morning, whisper in his ear explicitly what you would like him to do to you that night, or text him during the day.
  6. Wear a new outfit to bed and reveal it seductively.
  7. Spend a night sleeping skin to skin, lip to lip, with absolutely no agenda.
  8. If you’ve never used a toy in bed, give it a try. If you always use a toy, leave it aside and explore each other in a fresh way.
  9. Play some music that will set the tone for the night.
  10. In some small way talk to each other during sex to make contact