Blog

For Wives

If you have ever wondered…

• what it’s like to lead an Awaken Love Class
• how do you lead a class
• or who in their right mind invites women to a sex class…

Then join me Tues Sept 27th at 7:00 pm central for the Awaken Love Quarterly Gathering.

I am inviting teachers, facilitators and anyone who is even curious about leading a group. Meet women from around the world that are opening up the conversation of sex in the church.

This session we will specifically talk about the different ways that leaders can adapt the resources to work for their group. But there will be plenty of time to meet other women that have led classes, ask questions, and be encouraged.

• Tuesday, Sept 27th
• 7:00-8:00 pm central time
• Zoom Link

Opening up the conversation of sex in the church can feel scary . Learn from those that have gone before you, and help encourage those that still are still on the fence. Let’s get serious about opening up the conversation of sex.

Hope to see you there,

Ruth

In class last year, I witnessed what I would call a miracle. I’ve watched profound transformation during Awaken Love classes before, so I don’t know that I felt surprised. But when Lisa shared her God story, it felt awe inspiring, bigger than life, a miracle that only God can orchestrate. You see in the world that we live, we like to think that we control more than we do. But when I witness miracles, it reminds me of how small I am and who is really in control. The situation that felt hopeless, and chaotic – in a moment – it changed , a miracle happened, and only God can do that.

Lisa Joins Awaken Love

Lisa was a late addition to my Awaken Love class. Emailing just days before my already full class started, I added her to the roster, trusting that God had a plan. She came with her friend, expectant yet wounded. And with each week you could see the pain increase.

You see, Lisa was part of the 1/3 of the class who would love to engage in sex, while her husband showed little interest. Hearing and reading about all the reasons to have sex just made her angry. If only her husband would…!!! But even when she felt discouraged, and it didn’t seem like God’s word applied, Lisa stuck with it.

On week 3, baggage night, Lisa watched and listened, as the women shared and prayed over each other and asked for the healing, growth and transformation they wanted. Quiet in her thoughts, she finally took her turn and out burst a tornado of feelings, disappointments and grievances about her husband. Seven years! That’s how long it had been since they connected sexually. My heart broke for her, but I also noticed the way that she continued to focus on her husband. Blinded by her wounds, she could not see her part in their mess. And so, she knelt, and she prayed for him to change, while I quietly prayed for her eyes to open.

Meeting One on One

That night I could not get Lisa out of my mind. Ignoring what I had seen would not help her. I had to find the courage to follow up and share my honest, but hard thoughts.

Two days later we sat in my living room and I patiently waited as Lisa once again tearfully relayed all of the ways that her husband had let her down.  Through tears of disappointment, I learned about their story. Years of counseling… Three years in separate bedrooms …  so resentful and hurt that she could no longer look him in the eyes…

And yet, Lisa also told me, that on baggage night, as she knelt before God, she clearly heard Him ask, “Do YOU want to get well?” And THAT gave me hope.

So I mustered up my courage, took a deep breath, and asked, “would it be ok, if I share a few things that I’ve noticed?”

The Path Towards Change

You see, we only have power over ourselves. When we spend all of our time lamenting about the ways that our spouse let us down, we waste our time, and energy. We become more and more frantic and unhappy as we try to control somebody that we cannot control. The road to freedom and transformation requires that we let go of what we cannot control and focus on what we can, ourselves.

Another principle that we must understand, but can feel really hard to stomach, is that in every marriage, equal unhealth exists. A husband and wife may be unhealthy in very different ways, but we are equally unhealthy. The encouraging corollary is that when one person chooses to work on themselves and get healthier, it pressures their spouse to grow. We have the power to change ourselves. To become stronger, more loving people, that can make better choices in the future – regardless of what our spouse does. And that is good news!

Telling the truth felt scary, and I really had no idea how Lisa would receive the messages that I offered. But with an open heart and a new sense of calm, Lisa began to see herself more clearly and own her own part in their dynamics.

Faith Put Into Action Creates Miracles

Before Lisa left, she shared that the first thing she planned to do was apologize to her husband. She had spent years blaming their struggles on him, and she now realized that she had things to work on. Rather than using counseling sessions to prove her husband’s guilt, she planned to ask for tools for the changes she wanted in herself. And she began to think through how she might complete the first weeks homework assignment of giving her husband a sensuous massage. With years of physical separation, she treaded lightly, “Maybe I could give him a sensuous massage on his wrist.”

My time with Lisa took courage  and faith – for both of us. I had to share honestly what I saw, and it felt scary. Lisa could have stayed in her comfortable place of blame and felt completely offended by my ideas.  But she chose to hear because she heard God ask, “Do YOU want to get well?” Taking Awaken Love was not about changing her husband, but about becoming the person that God wants Lisa to be.

Miracles Happen

A few days later, when Lisa showed up for class, she looked different. Her face was softer, her step was lighter. As we checked in, she joined us in celebrating others progress until a space opened for her to share. “Last week I apologized to my husband for blaming him for our issues. We had a really good talk up at our cabin. And afterward….. We had SEX.”

Just like that! A Miracle! 6 years of loneliness, separation, resentment, blame and bitterness, erased for a moment of sweet oneness, confirmation, commitment, openness, and hope. We celebrated a miracle in class that week and I watched in delight as the other women recognized how powerful our God is. He did what none of us dreamed possible. He did a miracle.

I have since checked in with Lisa, and their relationship continues to improve. Lisa and her husband still have plenty of work to do, but they now have hope. As they continue to work on their own part of their dynamics, they will gain tools to keep them from slipping into the same old patterns. Reigniting their physical intimacy will help to sustain and unite them when things get hard. But more than anything, they now have hope. They know that transformation can happen. Because God can do the impossible. He is the God of miracles.

Upcoming Classes

I am excited to launch several classes this Fall, including a both a daytime and an evening class over zoom. Check out my schedule and join me for an amazing six weeks of discovering and going after what God wants for you. Sing up now by emailing me.

The mission of Awaken Love is to encourage men and women to claim God’s design for sex and equip them to share the truth with others.

It is not your typical mission, even in the area of married sexuality. I don’t just feel called to improve marriages. I want to equip Christians to talk about sex so that they impact the world around them.  When we learn to talk about sex with other Christians, we change the culture of sex in the church. Personal transformation not only benefits the individual but ripples to impact kids, spouse, families, friends and others. And the best way to equip Christians to talk about sex, is by actually doing it.

Awaken Love Classes

In Awaken Love classes we create safe places to be honest, talk about sex, and connect with God. By focusing on ourselves, learning from our past, and leaning into God’s truth, we begin to move forward . And as we share with each other, we start to feel the release of shame that we had attached to sex. People both experience personal transformation and witness the growth of others that can happen in community.  Talking about sex has a profound impact on embracing healthy ideas and attitudes about sex and empowers men and women to use their sexuality as a powerful way to connect in marriage.

10 Year Anniversary

On April 4, 2022, I celebrated 10 years of teaching Awaken Love. What started 10 years ago when I shared with 8 friends on my porch, has grown, and rippled to impact thousands around the world. .

Since 2017, when I released the Awaken Love video classes, over 100 different women have led classes in Alaska, Alabama, California, Colorado, Florida, Georgia, Idaho, Iowa, Louisiana, Michigan, Minnesota, Ohio, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania, South Carolina, Tennessee, Texas, Washington and Wisconsin, New Zealand, Ontario, Albania and Kenya, and more.

I am so thankful for the women and men that have led classes and joined me in the battle to take sex back from the world. Their courage to talk about sex has helped so many people and the impact continues to ripple to impact their kids and countless friends. They have planted seeds and God continues to multiply their efforts.

Over the last 10 years, over 2300 women, and 250 men have participated in Awaken Love classes, and that is crazy.

Moving Forward

Like most of you, I’ve gone through some hard things over the last 2 years, and I really began to question whether I could continue with Awaken Love. No matter how much I did, I felt like a failure, but if I quit I would still feel like a failure.  I am learning to let go of my inner critic, my perfectionism, and stop basing my worth on what I accomplish. And I finally landed in this sweet spot with the Lord.

No matter what I do with Awaken Love – God has given me a heart for marriage, and for sexuality.

And regardless of what I do with Awaken Love, God loves me.

So this April, I tip toed back into ministry by teaching an in person class on my porch with 12 women. It was a wild class, with strong outspoken women that were hurting and looking for answers. And God met us in the midst of it, with women ministering to each other and creating this amazing space to be open and honest for the first time in their life. They all experienced growth and took steps by faith, trusting that God will change things. One woman experienced a miracle and started having sex with her husband for the first time in years.

It felt so good to be teaching again in person, and I am dreaming again about the impossible things that only God can do.

My Focus

My mission remains the same, to encourage men and women to claim God’s design for sex and equip them to share the truth with others.

So my energy will focus on cultivating a community of leaders and teachers that will fearlessly open up the conversation of sex in their circles of influence. Some of my goals for the fall are…

• Quarterly Online Meetings to Equip Facilitators or Future Facilitators
• Monthly One Hour Online Teachings to Dig Deeper into specific topics
• Regular Online office hours to allow facilitators, or those thinking about facilitating to ask questions
• One on One’s with Ruth, available for a small charge for those that need extra help even after taking class.

So I praise God for what He has done over the last 10 years, and I ask for His favor moving forward. May God raise up an army!

Humans are meaning makers. Unlike animals that simply go through life eating, reproducing and doing what they must to survive, people constantly interpret life. We map our world to measure our worth and the validity of our actions. Am I enough? Does he want me? Did I fail again? Will this get me what I want? Everything has a meaning, and how we interpret the meanings have an enormous impact on our self and our openness, especially in the high stakes game of love and sex.

Meanings Outside of Marriage

Outside the confines of marriage, sex can feel freer because of the meanings we can offer ourselves. If we only seek pleasure, and not relationship, then who cares what this person next to me thinks. Excitement, unbridled expression, adrenaline, and the taboo can easily fuel passion without worrying about the intruding thoughts of whether you measure up. If our fiancé pushes the boundaries, it is because we are so irresistible, not because he can’t handle his sexuality. We assign meanings to sex outside of marriage, and at least initially, they feel less consequential.

Meanings Within Marriage

Within marriage, the intensity of meanings amplify. We have chosen this person to be the one, forever. What if they reject the very thing that I most want? Are we really sure of their love and desire now that they are stuck with us? What if I am not man enough to please her? Does he really care about me, or does he just want me to satisfy his sexual “needs”? These are powerful meanings and impact sex in profound ways.

Meanings during sex are conveyed not just through words, but through actions, our attitudes and the subtle clues that we gather. And the meanings, whether accurate or not, impact both our desire and our bodies responses. Though animals rarely struggle with sexual function, we often do because we assign meanings to sex. What our minds and our heart interpret can derail our bodies natural response of arousal. The ability to assign meaning can  allow us to feel loved and connected during sex, or it, can  make us feel completely rejected or used. Meanings can be positive or negative, impacting both men and women but playing out in different ways.

Women

For women the meaning of sex can completely short circuit desire, or responsiveness.

When sex is about caring for the husband’s needs, wives don’t exactly look forward to sex. Desire thrives on choice and be chosen, not on duty and feeling stuck. Though she may dutifully serve him the rest of their marriage, they will never experience the freedom and desire that comes with choice.

When a wife struggles with orgasm, she can start interpreting her husband’s attentive attempts to help her respond, as confirmation of her brokenness. Rather than receive his love, she manages her feelings of inadequacy by giving up, avoiding sex, or blaming her husband.

If a husband constantly coaxes his wife to be more expressive, then her meaning becomes, I will never be enough. Rather than feeling excited about learning new things, she avoids sex as a way to avoid feeling like a failure.

Men

Negative meanings of sex impact men in similar ways but also in more subtle ways.

If a husband knows that his wife is just serving him, then he may hurry things along and tune her out, so that he won’t feel rejected.

When a wife does not experience pleasure during sex, a husband can interpret meanings that go right to the core of his sufficiency as a man.

One of the tricky things about meanings is that much of it goes unspoken, unquestioned, and unchecked.

We might think our husband doesn’t care about our lack of orgasm during sex because he doesn’t bring it up. The reality might be that he feels so bad about our lack of enjoyment, that not only does he never acknowledge or talk about it, but he hurries through sex just to get it over with. What we view as insensitive might actually be him caring immensely.

Assigning the meanings of sex often has more to do with ourselves then our partner. So let’s take a look at how we move beyond some of the negative meanings that impact sex..

Questioning the Meaning of Sex

1. Start paying attention to what meanings you assign to sex- both positive and negative. Don’t judge them, just observe them. What is sex telling you about your husband, yourself and what you believe about sex?
2. Check the facts. Is the meaning that you assign during sex accurate? Is it in line with who your spouse is? How does the meaning fit with what God says about sex? Are you still believing lies about sex, or yourself, or your husband? Have you asked your spouse about the way that you are interpreting their actions?
3. Is the meaning that you assign to sex helpful? The meanings you interpret might be telling you that things need to change for your well-being or self-respect. Or the meaning might be a way of beating yourself up, or trying to control what you do not have control over.
4. If the meaning is inaccurate or not helpful, think about ways that you can reframe the meaning. Claim your choices and who you want to be. Instead of thinking, “How can my husband want to do this to me?”, think “My husband is choosing to love me.” Claim the sex you want and start operating by faith in a way that is in line with what you want.
5. Check your heart in the ways that you might be conveying meanings to your spouse. Even if we say nothing, our spouse  can pick up on our resentment, anxiety, blame, or disappointment. Ask God to reveal what is in your heart. Take responsibility for your own actions and what you bring to the marriage bed. Great sex happens when 2 healthy people come to the table.

Final Thoughts

The meanings that we both interpret and convey during sex can powerfully influence how we feel, how our bodies respond and the experience of oneness from sex. We must take ownership for accurately interpreting meanings, by confronting lies, dealing with baggage and leaning into what God wants for us. Don’t just ignore the negative meanings that impact you. Take a closer look at them, check the facts, and ask questions. Address your own actions and attitudes that might be conveying negative meanings to your spouse. Don’t just have sex. Together create meaningful sex – that is life giving and something that you look forward to.

It is kind of funny to admit, but when I started counseling, I thought to myself, “I am going to dive in for 6, maybe 8 weeks, and then I will be good to go.” Not only would I be a better me, but I would show my husband just how mature I am. Internally I still hoped my husband would admit his own issues and seek counseling with me. Then the “real” problems could get fixed.

Even though I knew that I needed to work on myself, I still couldn’t let go of thinking that if he changed our problems would disappear.

6 months later, I am so glad that I went to counseling on my own. I have learned so many things about myself that have helped me understand how I operate in my marriage. Couples counseling would have distracted me from the work that I needed to do. And I would have been so tempted to shift the conversation back to Jim. Working on myself has felt empowering. Regardless of what Jim does, I make my own choices about my life, how I live and how I treat others – including him.

Hard Work

The first few months of counseling was gut wrenching hard work. Remembering negative experiences from my childhood stirred up all kinds of emotions as I relived both the details and the way that I coped.

I vividly remembered my first-grade teacher calling role the first day of class. Afterwards she asked, “Did I miss anybody?”

I timidly raised my hand.

“Yes, what is your name? “, she asked.

With as much confidence as I could master, I said, “Uth Inka.”

“What?”, she said.

“Uth Inka”, I repeated.

“What?”

“U t h   I n k a”, I slowly stated, fighting back tears.

My name was Ruth Lenker and I had entered elementary school completely clueless to the fact that I couldn’t say my L’s or R’s.

I felt so small. So invisible.  And so alone. I don’t remember sharing this story with my mom or dad, or anyone else. All I wanted to do was crawl in a hole and disappear.

And that is what I did for years and years. I worked so hard to accomplish things as a way to feel better about myself, to feel worthy and seen, all the while hoping no one would see or hear me.

As I tearfully shared story after story with my counselor, I still felt embarrassed and disgust for my life. And it all came to a head one day…

Core Beliefs

I had been sharing with my counselor about being mistaken as a boy when I was young and she could tell how profoundly the experience had impacted me. And she asked, “so if you were mistaken as a boy, then what would that mean?”…And I just couldn’t go there… I just had to put on the brakes because I didn’t even have the capacity to answer the question.

So my counselor gave the homework assignment to follow my chain of thinking. To start from the fact that I was mistaken as a boy and ask myself, if that is true then what? And if that is true, then what? And to keep following the trail into the core belief that I held about myself.

If they think that I am a boy, then I am a mistake..

If I am a mistake then I don’t belong…

And, If I don’t belong then there is something wrong with me…

If there is something wrong with me then I need to hide…

If I need to hide then make sure you are not seen or heard….

And I gradually named the core belief that

I am not worthy to be seen or heard.

I hate being noticed. I’d much rather slide under someone else, into the background and be a fly on a wall. Introducing myself, sharing my passions, or the amazing things God has done in my life can at times make me feel almost ill. I clam up, I just do… – I suppose because I’ve never believed that I am worthy to be seen or heard.

Admitting my core belief was really hard. I mean, I’m a smart, capable woman that has many reasons to feel proud. And yet, deep down, I didn’t believe that I was worthy to be seen or heard.

As a follower of Jesus, I know that I should just embrace God’s truth about myself. Things like, I am His beloved. Or, I am His masterpiece and He created me anew in Christ Jesus to do the great things that He planned for me. I do believe those things. But it will take time, effort and patience for me to rewrite my core beliefs that I have carried since childhood.

Pressing into Changing My Core Beliefs

Transformation started with an awareness of the core beliefs that hold me back, but that was only the beginning. Living out the truth, that I am worthy to be seen and heard, will require faith, that God can change me. Before I feel that I am worthy to be seen and heard, I will need to act like I am worthy to be seen and heard. When by faith, I take a deep breath, reach out my hand and introduce myself to a stranger with great expectation instead of dread, then I begin to feel worthy. Living in a way  that is congruent with what God says about me, will change the way that I feel about myself. How I act will cement my feelings.

I have faith that God will change me and I press on because God has given me glimpses of a life that is different. Rather than hide, I want to confidently introduce myself and freely share my passions. God has given me things to say, and my playing small does not benefit anyone – especially God.

What About You

So are you living into the fullness of life that God wants for you? What terrifies you, makes your shrink back, or prompts you to feel like you need to prove yourself? Can you name the core beliefs that lurk in the shadows? And what are you going to do about it? Because faith means reaching for that which is not yet true and believing that God can change us.

Last week I taught my first in-person Awaken Love class in more than 2 years and all I can say is, “God is moving!” We met on my back porch, where I started teaching classes exactly 10 years ago. Twelve women from all walks of life – young and not so young, newly married, divorced and remarried, and celebrating 34 years. All with the purpose of understanding more about God’s Design for sex in their marriage and eager to reclaim Sex as God’s Domain.

Who We Are

As I welcomed the women to class, I took time to remind them of the realities that we live in today. Among us were women that dreaded sex, others that loved it. Some of our husbands struggle with porn and others don’t want much sex. Some of us have struggled with porn, or masturbation, or experienced abuse in our past. A few of us are still learning to experience the pleasure sex can offer. But regardless of where each of us is on our journey, we can be honest, provide support and  learn together. We are all welcome.

When I teach class and realize the hard realities of women’s lives, I can feel overwhelmed and question whether a little 6-week class called Awaken Love can help. And I have to remind myself, and them, that regardless of our struggles, understanding more of what God wants for us in our marriage and our sex life, will help us have the courage to take a step in the right direction. God’s word about sex is truth, regardless of our challenges.

Diving In

As I looked at class that first night, I just sensed that the room was filled with powerful women, ready to dive in. So, when I asked them to introduce themselves and maybe tell us why they were there, it came as no surprise when one by one, they immediately dove in.

I struggle with

• • purity messages that left sex feeling shameful
  • figuring out how to feel intimate during sex
  • lack of desire
  • conflicted feelings that cripple my freedom
  • navigating my husband’s lack of interest

We all have challenges surrounding our sexuality and many of us carry them for a lifetime. But at class last week, these women courageously opened up, already starting to share pieces of their past experiences that still impact their present. Rather than helplessly sitting in their muck, they are choosing to move toward health, wholeness and freedom.

Sisterhood

One of the things that I constantly witness in class is the power of speaking things out loud – face to face, in God’s presence. The shameful truth that constantly haunts and make us question our worth and desirability – when spoken out loud in a room of loving Christian women – is, zapped of its power. In a moment, a breath of lightness falls on the women. What they bring into the light is received with grace and understanding from other women. Things shift and you can feel it happen.

Final Thoughts

At class, these 12 women walked in as strangers and left sisters, claiming by faith that things can be different. They have the courage to press into God, even in the area of sexuality, and fight for freedom. God will break the chains, reveal His truth, and transform their lives. And we will pound a stake in the ground, once again claiming, sex is God’s domain. He alone has the answers and we trust in Him.

p.s. – Thank you to all of you that have been praying for me and my husband. Like many of you, I am digging myself out of the impacts of living through a pandemic and a hard health diagnosis. I have been learning valuable truths and tools that will help me be a better person. My days feel brighter and lighter, and I have to say, it felt SO good to be teaching in person again. Blessings, Ruth