Hidden Struggles

You cannot always tell how people are doing, or what kind of shape their marriage is in.

I remember more than one marriage at church that imploded and nobody had a clue until one spouse completely threw in the towel.

A few months ago we received this letter from a women that participated in an Awaken-Love Class.

When I was asked to be apart of a 6-week Awaken Love class, I thought to myself what in the world was God thinking! Turns out he knew what he was doing. My marriage of 24 years was on the brink of divorce. There wasn’t any thing that was going to change my mind, I was done. During this class, I learned a lot about how much God loves marriage and how much he’s involved in our marriage beds. I will forever be grateful for the class and the other 6 women, who have become sweet friends. I cherish the time we shared together. The books are awesome too. I plan to read them from front to back. Oh and by the way, my husband was disappointed when the 6 weeks was over. He looked forward to each weeks homework. Our intimacy, our sex life, our love for each other has grown. He told me just this morning that we’re making love more now than ever before. We have both been changed.
Thank you again from the bottom of my heart,

This woman had been involved in church and marriage ministry for years, and my guess is that few people knew what was really going on in her life.

Most women that follow our blog are probably in pretty good shape in their marriage. Honestly, if your marriage is struggling, the last thing women want to read about is how to make their sex life better.

So why am I telling  you this?

Because you probably have friends whose marriage is in trouble and you don’t even know it. You probably have friends where sex is a sore spot in their marriage and something that they would rather avoid in hopes it will just disappear.

But if  you invited them to an Awaken-Love class, they just might take a chance to make things better.

Sex cannot fix a marriage, but it can sure help. Somehow it seems to put us in a more neutral arena where we hear each other a little better and feel each other’s heart. And many of us women have things wrong. We just do. We make assumptions about sex and our husbands based on what society has told us rather than God’s word.

So if you follow this blog, and you have a good marriage, consider the women that might be strengthened by facilitating an Awaken-Love class.

You never know whose marriage you are going to impact. 

And trust me…

you will see God move in amazing ways.

Getting Away

Getting Away feeds our souls.

It was important to Jesus, it is important to us as individuals, and it is important to our marriage.

Jesus made it a habit to get away by himself and pray…

Luke 5:15-16 ….vast crowds came to hear him preach and to be healed of their diseases. But Jesus often withdrew to the wilderness for prayer.

In the midst of busyness, serving others and feeling overwhelmed Jesus escaped to find refreshment with his Father. He knew that in order to care for others, He had to care for himself by communing with God. He withdrew to quiet places where no one could find him. Places without the distraction of the hustle and bustle of everyday life. Places where no schedule existed and no phone rang. Jesus withdrew alone. He did not take his disciples – not even Peter, James or John. He knew that true communion happened when it was just Him and His father and sometimes He even spent all night praying.  I think these moments of solitude with God fed his soul so that He could pour himself out again.

Have you ever gotten away with God? Extended time, free from the noise of life, where just you and God exist. It might have been a solitude retreat, a day in bed, 15 minutes of quiet or a hike through the woods. God speaks so clearly when the noise is gone. Time with God leaves me refreshed to be a better mom, wife and friend,  and I could not do ministry without it.

If intimacy in marriage mirrors intimacy with Christ…

Then it is important for us to have times where we as a couple withdraw to a quiet place to commune.

Not a vacation with a bunch of other people. Not a trip to visit family. Not a weekend away with your friends. Just you and your husband in a quiet place, with no distractions, no phones, no activity schedule. Just communing together.

5 years ago my husband and I stayed at a cabin for a weekend in the middle of winter. No one else was around, and phone’s did not work. We took a few books, food to cook and a few clothes. We pulled the mattress to the window that overlooked the frozen lake and spent the weekend communing. We talked, we had sex, we prayed, we had sex, we played games that led to sex, we fed each other and we came away refreshed. On the way home in the car, I grabbed a piece of scratch paper and God downloaded the 6 week outline of the Awaken-Love study.

There have been other times when my husband and I have checked into a bed and breakfast and did not exit the room until check out. We simply laid together, rested, talked and restored each other.

I will be the first to admit that I was not good at getting away when my kids were young. Somehow I was so wrapped up in being a mom, that I lost track of taking care of my marriage. I truly believe it would have made a difference if we had made getting away a priority. Honestly, you don’t even have to go somewhere. Stay  home and send the kids to a relatives or friends house, turn off the electronics, order takeout and spend time communing. When the kids come home you will be such a better parent.

Couples need to spend time alone together, hearing from God and hearing from each other. We need to withdraw in order to be refreshed so that together we can handle the chaos of living in this crazy world.

Song of Songs 8:14   Come away, my love! Be like a gazelle or a young stag on the mountains of spices.

Take care of your marriage and Get Away

Frenulum Orgasm – A New Delight for Him

If you want your husband to experience something completely new, try giving him a frenulum orgasm. It will not only be amazing for him, but it will help him understand what it is like for you to experience a clitoral orgasm.

The frenulum is located on the underside of the penis in the Vee shaped area, where the head of the penis meets the shaft. Just like the frenulum that attaches your lip to your gum, there is a thin band of tissue that acts as a sort of attachment between the foreskin and the penis. Whether your husband is circumcised or not, most of  the sensitive nerves still remain. Many people know that the frenulum is an especially sweet area packed with nerves but until I read an article at Married Christian Sex, I had no idea a man could have an orgasm from stimulation of just the frenulum.

In order for a husband to experience a frenulum orgasm, he must be patient. Stimulating this sensitive area is very different from a firm hand, mouth or vagina encompassing his penis. He will experience strong sensations of pleasure with no way of driving to the finish line. He will need to relax his body and allow the gradual build up of pleasure to eventually overtake him. Keeping his pelvic muscles relaxed will be critical to the slow build up. He must trust his body and he must trust that you won’t give up on him.

To stimulate the frenulum you could use your mouth,  the tip of your nose, your finger, your thumb or a vibrator. There should be no opposing force on the other side of the shaft. You can either let the penis rest against his abdomen or hold it at the base. The motion to the frenulum can be slow and luxurious, light and playful, connected, bouncing, brisk or anything else you can think of. Probably one of the best ideas is to just think of what would feel good on your clitoris and try it. Be patient, change things up, notice when he is enjoying things and have fun.

Your husband may very well struggle with some of the same things you struggle with during manual or oral stimulation of your clitoris. He may worry that it is taking too long. He may feel frustrated or struggle to stay relaxed. He may worry that you are getting tired or bored. He may worry that he is not going to make it. Sounds familiar, right? Be sure to reassure him how much you are enjoying it and that he has all the time in the world. He gets to just lay back and relax.

When your husband has a frenulum orgasm, it may feel different than what he is used to. The pleasure comes from a very focused area, and he may feel hypersensitive or like it is too much. To extend his orgasm, try to stay gently connected and continue to stimulate him.

If you are going to try giving your husband a frenulum orgasm, you might need to prepare him. Read this article together and talk. Allow lots of time and enjoy the journey.  Remember, if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.

Interruptible

I have this friend that prays,

“God help me to be interruptible.”

She wants to be so in tune to God, that if He calls her to stop and pray with someone, or help someone in need, she will do it. She will put aside her own plans, her own agenda, trust that God has something for her and step into it. It’s not an easy thing to do, to be interruptible. It takes living in a way, that you hear God throughout your day. It takes letting go of control and your own agenda. It takes being flexible, and spontaneous and it takes trusting God.

If our relationship with God mirrors intimacy in marriage…

Then shouldn’t the same be true in marriage and in sex. Aren’t we supposed to be intteruptible.

In Song of Songs 5:2-7 there is this amazing passage where in the wee hours of the morning, he comes knocking on her door, asking for her to open to him. She hastily replies, I’ve already washed my feet and am settled in bed, must I get up again. By the time she comes around, he has given up and is nowhere to be found.

It is this timeless issue of a husband approaching his wife for sex, when maybe it is not the best time. We are tired and need our sleep. We are busy washing the dishes. We have a big work project the next day and are totally stressed. Our favorite reality TV show is on. It doesn’t matter why, but sex is nowhere on our radar… And  then our husband reaches for us.

Will we hear him? …That he feels lonely or disconnected, that he wants to commune with us?Will we put aside our own agenda and step into something that we did not expect? Will we trust that God will get our bodies on board and that He will take care of the rest.

Maybe God is teaching us something by learning how to get on board with our husband. Maybe he is teaching us to let go of control. To trust him. To stop worrying. To make connection more important then getting stuff done. Maybe he is going to show us something new that we might have missed out on otherwise.

Can you be interruptible – even in sex?

Blindfold Him


If you want your husband to be more in tune with you during sex, a simple blindfold might be just the ticket. Men are visual. That is how God created them and it is a good thing. But sometimes if we want to stretch and experience life more fully, we need to take away our “go to” sense and challenge our bodies to learn something new. If you want your husband to be more in tune to touch, to use his words, to feel more subtle movements during intercourse, then it might be time to take away his sense of sight – at least for a while. And along the way, it might encourage new growth in you too.

Blindfolding your husband is different than having sex in the dark. It requires him to trust and depend on you in new ways. It also requires you to lovingly, confidently lead him. Don’t make him blind and then leave him searching for you in the dark or feeling frustrated. Take him somewhere by teasing him, waking him up, and showing him what you enjoy. Place his hands where you want them, or his lips or his mouth, or his penis, and enjoy the freedom that God intended for you.

While blindfolded, your husband’s other senses will be on high alert. He will be listening intently to where you are and how you are feeling through your breath and heart beat. His hands and body will be searching for points of connection to touch. His mind will probably attempt to create pictures from what he feels. He may speak words of desire, ask for direction or just share. During intercourse his body will tune into your movements and urging and what may at first feel cumbersome will refine to synergy. He might even more fully experience the presence of God.

A simple blind fold is a tool to learn new things during sex  

and it can be fun too.

Back to the Basics

For months, I have known that I needed to make a change. My phone and computer have been running my life. An email comes in and my heart beats with excitement for someone that might be signing up for a class or asking advice. I hop over to Facebook and check notifications, scrolling for the latest news, then I click over to check stats on my website. Minutes turn into hours and before long I am wondering what happened to my day.

It is time to get back to my first love, spending time with Jesus. Blocks of uninterrupted time alone reading His word and letting Him speak to me. I need to pray like crazy – for the women in my classes, for doors to open, for the church to wake up.  I need to write and record all the amazing things He does transforming women. I have this front row seat watching God heal women, break bondage and free them from shame and I should be creating a monument, a remembrance of who He is.

John 15:5 “Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing. 

I need to get back to my roots. When I was first called to minister to women about sex, I had the privilege to mentor several women in their marriage. I loved mentoring these women and in many ways got as much out of it as they did. I think that true transformation in ministry happens one on one in relationship. Walking alongside each other, encouraging each other, praying together and challenging each other to step out of the boat and trust God. I am praying that God will bring women into my life that want a mentor and along the way they will radically encounter Jesus as the lover of their soul.

So, it is time to create some boundaries for my phone, social media and email. The easiest solution might be to just throw all technology into the lake, but honestly, I don’t think that is God’s plan. He wants me to live in the world but not be of the world. He wants me to learn to live in the tension and establish healthy boundaries.

My plan starting today is to check Facebook once a day. Twice a day I will check and answer emails. Once a day I will monitor comments on the website. So if you don’t hear from me right away, you know why.

I will continue teaching as many classes as God gives me strength for. I will write twice a week to practice putting words to the truth about sex. I will wrestle with what I believe and process what I encounter in class. I will watch for divine appointments with women that need a friend or a word of truth.  I will step thru doors that God opens –  to speak, or share or write. But most of all, I will spend time sitting with Him, because without Him, all of this is pointless.

 

How Do You Love Your Spouse?

The word “love” is tricky, isn’t it?  I love my husband.  I also love tacos.  And I love it when I see God in the details of my life. But really, I don’t love tacos as much as, or even in the same way that, I love my husband.  I don’t even love my kids the same way that I love my husband!

Just like some other great ideas – such as democracy, the Olympics and marathons – the Greeks also had a good handle on defining love. They had multiple words for love that helped clearly communicate the emotion or commitment being expressed.  Here are some simplified definitions:

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