I have this friend that prays,

“God help me to be interruptible.”

She wants to be so in tune to God, that if He calls her to stop and pray with someone, or help someone in need, she will do it. She will put aside her own plans, her own agenda, trust that God has something for her and step into it. It’s not an easy thing to do, to be interruptible. It takes living in a way, that you hear God throughout your day. It takes letting go of control and your own agenda. It takes being flexible, and spontaneous and it takes trusting God.

If our relationship with God mirrors intimacy in marriage…

Then shouldn’t the same be true in marriage and in sex. Aren’t we supposed to be intteruptible.

In Song of Songs 5:2-7 there is this amazing passage where in the wee hours of the morning, he comes knocking on her door, asking for her to open to him. She hastily replies, I’ve already washed my feet and am settled in bed, must I get up again. By the time she comes around, he has given up and is nowhere to be found.

It is this timeless issue of a husband approaching his wife for sex, when maybe it is not the best time. We are tired and need our sleep. We are busy washing the dishes. We have a big work project the next day and are totally stressed. Our favorite reality TV show is on. It doesn’t matter why, but sex is nowhere on our radar… And  then our husband reaches for us.

Will we hear him? …That he feels lonely or disconnected, that he wants to commune with us?Will we put aside our own agenda and step into something that we did not expect? Will we trust that God will get our bodies on board and that He will take care of the rest.

Maybe God is teaching us something by learning how to get on board with our husband. Maybe he is teaching us to let go of control. To trust him. To stop worrying. To make connection more important then getting stuff done. Maybe he is going to show us something new that we might have missed out on otherwise.

Can you be interruptible – even in sex?

Blindfold Him

If you want your husband to be more in tune with you during sex, a simple blindfold might be just the ticket. Men are visual. That is how God created them and it is a good thing. But sometimes if we want to stretch and experience life more fully, we need to take away our “go to” sense and challenge our bodies to learn something new. If you want your husband to be more in tune to touch, to use his words, to feel more subtle movements during intercourse, then it might be time to take away his sense of sight – at least for a while. And along the way, it might encourage new growth in you too.

Blindfolding your husband is different than having sex in the dark. It requires him to trust and depend on you in new ways. It also requires you to lovingly, confidently lead him. Don’t make him blind and then leave him searching for you in the dark or feeling frustrated. Take him somewhere by teasing him, waking him up, and showing him what you enjoy. Place his hands where you want them, or his lips or his mouth, or his penis, and enjoy the freedom that God intended for you.

While blindfolded, your husband’s other senses will be on high alert. He will be listening intently to where you are and how you are feeling through your breath and heart beat. His hands and body will be searching for points of connection to touch. His mind will probably attempt to create pictures from what he feels. He may speak words of desire, ask for direction or just share. During intercourse his body will tune into your movements and urging and what may at first feel cumbersome will refine to synergy. He might even more fully experience the presence of God.

A simple blind fold is a tool to learn new things during sex  

and it can be fun too.

Back to the Basics

For months, I have known that I needed to make a change. My phone and computer have been running my life. An email comes in and my heart beats with excitement for someone that might be signing up for a class or asking advice. I hop over to Facebook and check notifications, scrolling for the latest news, then I click over to check stats on my website. Minutes turn into hours and before long I am wondering what happened to my day.

It is time to get back to my first love, spending time with Jesus. Blocks of uninterrupted time alone reading His word and letting Him speak to me. I need to pray like crazy – for the women in my classes, for doors to open, for the church to wake up.  I need to write and record all the amazing things He does transforming women. I have this front row seat watching God heal women, break bondage and free them from shame and I should be creating a monument, a remembrance of who He is.

John 15:5 “Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing. 

I need to get back to my roots. When I was first called to minister to women about sex, I had the privilege to mentor several women in their marriage. I loved mentoring these women and in many ways got as much out of it as they did. I think that true transformation in ministry happens one on one in relationship. Walking alongside each other, encouraging each other, praying together and challenging each other to step out of the boat and trust God. I am praying that God will bring women into my life that want a mentor and along the way they will radically encounter Jesus as the lover of their soul.

So, it is time to create some boundaries for my phone, social media and email. The easiest solution might be to just throw all technology into the lake, but honestly, I don’t think that is God’s plan. He wants me to live in the world but not be of the world. He wants me to learn to live in the tension and establish healthy boundaries.

My plan starting today is to check Facebook once a day. Twice a day I will check and answer emails. Once a day I will monitor comments on the website. So if you don’t hear from me right away, you know why.

I will continue teaching as many classes as God gives me strength for. I will write twice a week to practice putting words to the truth about sex. I will wrestle with what I believe and process what I encounter in class. I will watch for divine appointments with women that need a friend or a word of truth.  I will step thru doors that God opens –  to speak, or share or write. But most of all, I will spend time sitting with Him, because without Him, all of this is pointless.


Podcast about Awaken-Love Men’s Edition

My husband and I team up to teach a class called Awaken-Love Men’s Edition. About a month ago, I sat down with Belah Rose from Delight Your Marriage to share some of the information that we teach at the Awaken-Love Men’s Edition. You can listen to the podcast at Delight Your Marriage.

The three goals of the Awaken-Love Men’s Edition are…

  1. To help husbands understand the difference between just having sex and truly connecting with their wife through sex, the way God intended.
  2. To help husbands be a great lover to their wife by helping them understand the battles in her head, how her body works, and how to woo her with words and actions.
  3. To equip men to talk to their wife, kids and other men about sex so that others might know the truth about sex.

Right now the class is only available in Minneapolis, but Jim and I have dreams of somehow making it available to more men using videos. If you want to listen to the podcast please go to Delight Your Marriage.

I would love to hear your feedback.

All of Me

Sometimes in the church, we think in order to commune with God we need to have our life put together. It seems like nobody struggles in their marriage, with depression, with pornography or rebellious kids, and if they do, they sure as heck don’t talk about it. Pretty soon we begin to believe that God only wants to know the presentable parts. When we struggle, we go into hiding and say, “God, when I have this figured out, then…” As a college kid that drank too much, church was the last place I wanted to go. I did not want to see God, talk to Him or hear from Him. I thought I needed to fix myself first, and honestly that might never have happened.

I think there are times when I have felt the same way about sex. Times when intimacy was the last thing on my mind, because I needed to figure out life first. Times when I was stressed out or depressed or just feeling broken and I didn’t feel sexy at all. I could not imagine that my husband wanted to commune with me in the midst of that. I could not imagine that I could allow myself to go there.

The thing is, God wants all of me – the good the bad and the ugly. The other day I was so broken and weary. And instead of spending time scrambling to make things right I was crying out to him. He wants my sadness, my insecurities, and my struggles. He can handle all of my muck, whether it is depression, frustration or brokenness. Some of my most intimate times with God are when we wrestle. He bottles up my tears and he weeps with me and we commune together. And I am learning to allow that to happen even within the walls of church.

So based on Ephesians 5:31-32 – 

If marriage and sex mirrors the intimacy God wants with us…

Maybe my husband wants all of me – not just the presentable parts, not just the put together parts, not just the “I feel sexy parts”. Maybe I am supposed to learn to commune with my husband even when I am a mess. What if becoming One was a sweet time of comfort seen thru tear filled eyes? What if having sex was a confirmation that we are in this together – no matter what – even through our brokenness? What if communing together was the stress reliever of laughter and playfulness when things don’t go quite as planned? What if I did not have to be put together – but I could bring all that I am, to my husband?

A Great Sex Life – Not all Rocket Science

Having a great sex life is not all rocket science. The small everyday things that we do make a huge difference. They set the stage and are the meat and potatoes of our relationship that great sex rolls out of. So, I thought I would share some of the small practical everyday things that make a difference to my husband and me.

Go to Bed Together 

Jim and I go to bed at the same time every single night. Sometimes I am dragging him to bed because I am tired and sometimes he is taking me to bed. We lay together, we talk about our day, we cuddle,  sometimes we have sex and we fall asleep next to each other.

Touch All Night 

My husband and I sleep in a double bed. He is 6 feet tall and I am 5’-9” and we just barely fit in our bed. Most nights we sleep spooned skin to skin. When I am feeling restless or out of sorts, I stretch out on my belly, and we just hold feet. One night at a bed and breakfast, we slept in an enormous king size bed. In the middle of the night I woke in a panic looking for him, even though he was asleep in the bed beside me. Touching all night helps us stay connected.

Bring God into your Bed

My husband and I read the bible out loud to each other in bed almost every night. Sometimes one of us will fall asleep to the sweet sound of scripture being spoken over us. Other times God’s word is simply a prelude to the night’s festivities. Prayer either leads to sex, or follows sex in thanks for the connection we had. God is always a part of our marriage bed.

Fresh and Clean 

My husband and I don’t get caught up in romantic ideas of what sex is supposed to look like – you know,  the spontaneous rip your clothes off sex. Part of feeling confident during sex is knowing that we are clean, have fresh breath and took the time for personal grooming. Don’t let morning breath ruin the mood, just take care of it and then enjoy some great sex.

We touch all the time 

My husband has always been generous with foot rubs. If we are watching TV, my feet are usually up in his lap. When we walk, our hands are intertwined. Our girls make fun of us because we always have to sit next to each other – at the theater, at the dinner table, at church – we take advantage of every situation to cozy up. BTW – I miss the bench seats in cars – center consoles are a bummer. Look for every excuse to touch.

Play Together 

Sometimes playing is working on a project. Sometimes it is playing a game with our kids. Sometimes it is snowboarding. Sometimes it is bicycling. Sometimes it is sex. But we have fun together and we love each other’s company. My going to a car race with my husband means the world to him, and that is enough to make it fun for me.

I have to be honest, I am often struck by how few couples cozy up next to each other during church. They sit divided by their kids or in adjacent seats, but miles away. (BTW – another instance where maybe a pew was closer to God’s design.) If we cannot approach the throne of God together, broken and surrendered but filled with hope for tomorrow, how in the world are we going to make marriage work, and how are we going to have great sex?

Great sex  rolls out of the way that we do life together every day.

What do you do every day that makes your sex life better?

Is Your Marriage Your First Priority?

Anything and everything will get in the way of your marriage and your sex life.

  • Kids
  • Work
  • Social Media
  • Staying fit
  • Ministry
  • Keeping up with the Jones
  • Serving
  • Screen time
  • Chores
  • Insecurities
  • Expectations

In the same way, anything and everything will get in the way of your relationship with God.

It does not matter whether the things that eat up your time are mindless like tv and social media, strengthen your health like exercise and planning good meals, or are important like raising kids, working or even serving in ministry. Good things and not so good things, get in the way of our relationship with God. We get distracted and pretty soon we realize we haven’t really met with God in weeks. And it just sneaks in. Somehow God is always the One that gets pushed to the side.

Exodus 34:14(NLT) – You must worship no other gods, for the Lord, whose very name is Jealous, is a God who is jealous about his relationship with you.

Over and over and over we read in the Bible “you will have no God before me” and yet over and over we fail. God is jealous for our affection and He is jealous for our heart.

If marriage and sex mirror the intimacy God wants with us….shouldn’t we be jealous for our spouse’s affection and time? 

We know our spouse is the most important human relationship we will have. We have made a covenant to love and cherish each other until the day we die, but take a look at your calendar. How much time are you investing in your marriage compared to everything else? Are you living out your priorities?

What has gotten in the way of your marriage?

What has gotten in the way of having a great sex life with your spouse?

There is no shortage of excuses or distractions. Life will always be busy, there will always be an excuse and we will always have hard times. Wouldn’t you rather go thru the challenges of raising young kids glued together? Wouldn’t you rather negotiate struggles with teenagers while on the same team? Wouldn’t you like to create an oasis from stressful jobs in your marriage bed?

There is no “good time” to work on your sex life because just like your relationship with God, anything and everything will get in the way. Maybe today is the day to put your marriage back on top of your priorities list. Check out the Awaken-Love Video Class for a jump start.