A Respectful, Frank Discussion about Anal Sex

Educate Ourselves

Anal Sex has become part of today’s world. Regardless of whether or not you have any personal interest in the act, I believe we need to educate ourselves. People are engaging in anal sex in unhealthy ways both outside and inside of marriage. Women are coerced and pressured to do things that can only result in pain and damage. While other Christian couples believe anal sex creates intimacy because it requires profound trust, communication and sensitivity. For them, anal sex communicates love through an intensely vulnerable act.

Please resist a quick judgement “that nobody should do it” and allow yourself to learn.  The goal of this article is to neither condone nor condemn anal sex, but to educate. You get to decide what is right for your marriage bed and how to talk to your kids. But instead of just saying “don’t do it”, let’s spend some time wrestling with the topic.

What does the Bible really say about anal sex?

How come anal sex is becoming more main stream?

What are the health implications and cautions surrounding anal sex?

These are just some of the questions we must wrestle with ourselves and be prepared to answer for our kids.

If we don’t want our friends, kids or grandkids to get their information from Teen Vogue or Pornography then we must equip ourselves to comfortably talk about today’s issues – and anal sex is one of today’s issue. Even if your son or daughter never deals with anal sex, maybe they will help empower a friend to make good choices.


Let's talk about anal sex.

What About Romance Novels?

Recently when I was speaking to a group, one of the women asked,

“Are there Christian romance novels that you would recommend?”

I knew exactly what she was asking and so did most of the women in the room. Romance novels help women to get in the mood.

I remember as a teenager just beginning to read real books and stumbling upon the scenes that began to wake up my body. Romances where the guy said all the right things, whisked her off her feet, knew how to take her to the moon and back, and that honestly, stirred warm places in my body.


What About Vibrators?


Vibrators is a topic that raises red flags in church and yet the Bible does not specifically address them. They are another gray area, where we are called to discern with our spouse whether it is something good for our marriage bed. It boils down to the question.

“Will using a vibrator create intimacy in our marriage?”


Masturbation in Marriage

Masturbation in marriage happens all the time.

One spouse is usually hiding it…

and the other spouse is either naïve and oblivious, or ticked off and hurt.

Doesn’t seem like the best scenario, does it?

As Christians bombarded by the message DON’T DO IT, or just COMPLETE SILENCE, it is easy to feel like all masturbation is bad – even in marriage.  However, for some couples, masturbation within marriage can fit into God’s design for sex. Masturbation can make the two into “One” or helping them “know” each other better. This has been one of the huge areas of growth in my marriage. In Awaken-Love classes, I find it to be a topic that can be both surprising and liberating for Christian women.


Opening Up the Conversation of Masturbation in Singleness

Song of Songs 8:4 – “Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.”

I have a single friend in her thirties, that by the grace of God, has never been awakened.She loves the Lord and no matter how long it takes, she intends to wait until she marries. Fortunate circumstances in her life have made waiting easier for her than many others. As a kid, she never  stumbled upon the pleasures that her body can experience and learned to masturbate. Boyfriends never made her heart pound, tested the waters, or pushed the limits. Amazingly, she was never exposed to movies, books or pornography that whet her appetite enough to take things into her own hands. And no one has taken what was not theirs to take. She looks forward to marriage and thoroughly enjoying sex. Her body has not been awakened and so it just makes life…simpler.

Honestly, most of us are not that fortunate.

Many kids accidentally discover the pleasure their body holds and begin a life of self-comfort at a young age. Media screams sexuality – from music, to movies, to magazines, to books, to live streaming video of pornography – it is everywhere. Dating provides all kinds of challenges as limits are pushed and hormones surge. 30% of women and 20% of men experience some kind of sexual abuse. And so in some way, shape, or form, many of us are awakened before marriage – whether we want to be or not. Just because we have been awakened, does not mean that we cannot begin living with sexual integrity. It might just take more determination. 


Masturbation – What does the Bible really say?

Masturbation is probably more taboo to talk about then sex.  Most churches would like to take a black or white stance on the topic, but the Bible does not address masturbation. God calls us to live in the tension of being created sexual from the time of birth and knowing that God created sex as a way to join husband and wife together to make them into One. He does not give us clear guidance about masturbation. What may benefit one person, may lead others astray.

The one passage about masturbation that people quote from the Bible  is Genesis 38:9. According to Jewish law, in order to carry on the family line, Onan was to have sex with his dead brother’s wife. Because of Onan’s greed, whenever he had sex with her, he pulled out and spilled his seed on the ground. Onan was not masturbate. It was probably more similar to natural family planning. Now I don’t think God had anything against NFP. He was angry with Onan because of his disobedience.

The Bible does not specifically address masturbation. But plenty of biblical principles impact our decisions about masturbation.


Living in the Tension

There is nothing easy about living in the tension

This place that is neither black nor white. It requires us to discern and not just follow rules. We have to talk about things, wrestle with God and we have to be ready to change when God calls us to something different. Living in the tension is hard but it also helps us understand who God is.

God is able to extend mercy and grace but He is also just and righteous.

God loves us by accepting us as we are but He also speaks truth to us about who He created us to become.

He calls us to serve but He also calls us to receive.

God tells us that it is not what we do that earns favor with Him but it is out of an abundant love for Him that we do what He calls us to.

It would be much easier if God just gave us a set of rules to follow, but He doesn’t. He is much more interested in our heart and our motivation then following the rules. He wants us to have a relationship with Him and a heart that has a pulse on who He is.