A New Strategy for Overcoming Gridlock

Women need to feel emotionally connected in order to enjoy sex.

Men need to have sex in order to feel emotionally connected.

It sounds like gridlock to me. Women can’t have sex until they talk, and men can’t talk until they have sex, so they just stop connecting. The gate is put up by the wife, the husband retreats feeling rejected and they spin away from each other. It’s like that age old question, “What came first, the chicken or the egg?” There is no right answer, there is only debate. We need a new strategy. 

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The Power of Righteous Anger

“Does anyone else here feel angry!”

It wasn’t the first time a woman had said this during an Awaken-Love class. A righteous anger boiled up as she realized how God’s gift of sex had been distorted. That same distortion had impacted not only others, but her own marriage bed. A righteous anger that I pray fuels the power for change – not just for herself but for others.

Messages About Sex

We had just finished sharing how we learned about sex as kids. Women were aghast as they realized how few good messages they received. People with the greatest influence in our lives, parents, pastors and extended family, shared few positive messages about sex. “No wonder we struggle so much with sex” we thought to ourselves.

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The Importance of Non-Sexual Touch

I often speak to young Moms about the importance of keeping sex alive even while raising kids.  It has been years since my 4 girls were babies, and much of it seems like a fog, but sex definitely was not at the top of my priority list. I have been thinking about what I wish I had done differently to navigate through baby land. One of my biggest mistakes was limiting non-sexual touch.

I remember spending long days at home chasing little kids, wiping noses, reading with a full lap of girls, and rocking babies to sleep. When my husband arrived home, the last thing I wanted was for him to touch me – especially if it might lead to sex.  And so I kept my distance from him. I didn’t linger with my kisses, I didn’t cuddle too long before I rolled away from him in bed, and I pushed him away.

Ultimately I wanted to protect my husband. I didn’t want to lead him on and later disappoint him. But limiting non-sexual touch, not only impacted my drive, but trained my husband to expect sex on the days that I allowed him to touch me. And his expectations for sex after non-sexual turned me off even more.  So the pattern began.

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How to Tantalize Your Husband

I find it amusing the different ways my body catches my husband’s eye. As if I am his own personal eye candy just trying to tantalize him. Most of the time I have no idea what he’s enjoying until he tells me. Years ago, I might have felt violated, embarrassed or confused. But now I kind of love it! Maybe I need to start watching for ways to catch his eye on purpose.

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A Video Facilitator Shares about Awaken-Love

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to take a group of friends through the Awaken-Love Video Class? Or where you would even start?

I’ve asked one women to share in general ways about her experience facilitating.

I want to take a moment to share with your readers about my experience with facilitating a video class. I hope  to inspire you to get a group of girlfriends together and have the fruit of this life-changing class!

Once I had a date set, I shared with a friend that I would be facilitating an Awaken-Love class. The news seemed to take on a life of its own as friends shared with friends.  I think there is such a hunger among women to have a safe place to talk about some of these intimate topics where Gods wisdom is present. I ended up with several women taking the class, many of whom I didn’t even know.

As part of our Step by Step Guide to facilitate a video class, we include sample invitations to invite your friends. Many women email the invitation in order to avoid a face to face conversation.

I was a little nervous about how it would all go. I really am not an expert on this topic. I was also worried about having some awkward silence where I didn’t know what to do.  As it turned out the videos and facilitator guide helped me walk through and we ended up with very rich discussions.  Some class nights, we didn’t make it through all the videos in the time we had so participants watched them on their own.  The videos made it easy for me to relax and let the class unfold.

I will say that the ground rules established at the beginning of class were super important in guiding our discussion.  As people gained comfort, we covered many topics that I cannot imagine ever discussing outside of the context of the class. The confidentiality and judgment free aspects of the class really helped people get the most out of it.  Everything that was needed to maintain a healthy and safe environment had been thought through and was communicated in the videos.

It was such an incredible privilege to watch how God worked in the hearts and marriages represented in the room.  I have been a part of many women’s bible studies over the years and none have had quite the impact that this study does.  I continue to be SO blessed in my marriage because of what I learned through the Awaken-Love class and I know the women who went through the six weeks with me were too.

If you want to strengthen your marriage and the marriages of your friends, host an Awaken-Love Video Class. You can invite women from small group, your marriage group, mops, neighbors or friends.

If you don’t know where to start or have questions, feel free to contact me.

Connecting is a Two Way Street

The other night my husband and I had an awesome time connecting. I had gotten him to open up about a fun scenario that he found particularly enticing, and so naturally my wheels started turning. Really it wasn’t anything that took much planning.  It was just catching hold of the small nuances that would take him back to that place we talked about. You know things like lighting, sleepwear, positions, ATTITUDE…But he knew that I had heard him, and he knew exactly where I was taking him. It was a great night!

Feeling Naked

The next morning I woke up feeling absolutely naked – like the skin had been stripped off of me – naked. It was as if I had been in a show and poured myself out and there was nothing left. It was like when I started teaching my classes on sex, and shared so much of myself, that I felt absolutely vulnerable and attacked afterwards. I was raw.

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My Partner in Life

Jim has been my covert partner in Awaken-Love for over five years. More importantly, he has been my partner in marriage for 30 years. We have been through so much together and Awaken-Love would not exist without him.

Jim went years without giving up on me or becoming resentful when sex happened only once or twice a month. 7 years ago, when I experienced huge growth in my faith and sexuality, he stepped up and grew with me. He has held me in his arms as I cried out to God questioning my calling to teach about sex. The poor guy has been my Guinea pig as I tried out new ideas and techniques in bed, Hah!?. Jim has helped me to understand and write about the men’s perspective of sex. He has edited my writing, acted as a sounding board and encouraged me. I would not have started Awaken-Love without Jim and I would have given up years ago without him by my side. This November, Jim and I will teach another MEN’S EDITION of Awaken-Love and I figured it was time I introduce him to you.

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A Christian App – Ultimate Intimacy

I am excited to review and recommend a Christian App called Ultimate Intimacy. My husband and I spent a weekend sampling the articles, discussing the conversation starters and testing out the game. The next morning I woke up to a note from my husband, “Let’s play it again tonight. I go first!” Let’s just say Ultimate Intimacy was a hit in my house.

Ultimate Intimacy was designed by two Christian couples to strengthen marriages, fight pornography addiction and reduce the divorce rate.  They believe that sex in marriage should be amazing for both the husband and the wife, and be incredibly bonding. They created the Ultimate Intimacy APP to be fun, respectful, easy to use and to treat sex as something sacred.

If you feel stuck in a rut, don’t know how to start creating intimacy in your marriage, or are looking for a fun  idea for your upcoming date night then check out the Ultimate Intimacy APP. The easy navigation toggles between a super fun Game, helpful Resources, Conversation Starters, respectful Positions (Androids Only for now) and Products to help turn up the heat.

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Slow Steady Steps of Growth

Growth sometimes happens in an instant like a light bulb flipping on to illuminate God’s truth. More often, growth happens through the slow steady steps of obedience as we trudge along making daily decisions. Often we know where God wants us to go, but it seems so far away. We have no idea how to get there. So, God gives us a small step that points us in the right direction. For a time, we ignore Him or procrastinate, but eventually we muster our courage. Moving in any direction feels better than standing still.

God constantly calls me to take a small step…

One time he called me to ask the Twin Cities Covenant Women’s Retreat if I could offer a breakout session on sex. I’ve spoken to women many times, but I’ve never asked to speak. People invite me  because they’ve taken an Awaken-Love class or someone told them about me. I have been too afraid to ask  if I could share about sex.

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Using our Words during Sex

Sometimes, more than touch, I need my husband to take me someplace using his words. I don’t know why, maybe it’s because it helps me get out of my own head. Words can be powerfully erotic and can immediately take me to another place. They can turn vanilla sex into steaming hot sex, even though we are in the same bed, wearing the same outfit and doing the same things. Words can transport me in a way that touch cannot. They communicate a presence and a connectedness beyond the physical to your mind and soul.

Words are powerful, just look at how women devour erotic novels. Wives would rather read about sex than actually enjoy it. Chat rooms are filled with people that would rather seduce each other anonymously than communicate to their spouse about what turns them on. We can easily fall into twisting the power of words to avoid the hard work of developing intimacy with our spouse.

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