Hierarchy of Sex?

I have a confession to make – for years I did not really enjoy intercourse. It just did nothing for me. In fact, many times it was even painful. And it used to upset me to read Christian books or blogs that said it is ok to enjoy the other stuff but intercourse should always be most important. It did not match my personal experience and it made me feel broken.

It was as if they were creating another expectation that I could not meet – a hierarchy of sexual enjoyment

  • Simultaneous orgasm during intercourse
  • Orgasm during intercourse hands free
  • Orgasm during intercourse with help
  • Orgasm during outer course
  • Orgasm during manual stimulation
  • Orgasm during oral stimulation
  • Orgasm using a vibrator
  • Orgasm while touching yourself

———-SCRATCH ————–

There is no hierarchy of sexual expression. God does not rate the sex acts.

(more…)

Flexibility Training

flexibility training

God created women with amazing minds and bodies that can learn how to respond sexually in countless ways. To work towards having an orgasm during intercourse, we need to become more flexible in how and what we respond to.

Just like playing different songs on the piano takes practice, so does responding sexually. If you practiced chop sticks an hour every day for a year, you would get very good at chop sticks, but you would struggle to play any other song. To play piano well you must practice different scales, different songs and at different tempos. Eventually piano players can become so proficient that they no longer depend on the music, but can play freely from memory, or ear.

Orgasm is a learned response to what our body finds enjoyable.  The first time we experience something, our body may not recognize it as something that enjoyable. As we anticipate good things and we build positive experiences, our body responds accordingly.

Although this article could be helpful for anyone, it  is part of a series “How to have an orgasm during intercourse”. If you are working towards that goal, please make sure that you read my previous articles The Big Question, His and Her Kegels and Talk about What?

(more…)

Rubbing vs Feeling – Manual Stimulation

hands-reachingOne of the MOST important concepts that I teach in my men’s class “How to love your Wife” is the difference between “rubbing and feeling”.  In order to illustrate my point, I have the men put a little coconut oil on their wrist, and then I ask them to “rub” their wrists. Being the task oriented men that they are, they get right at it, rubbing their wrists with focused vigor. After a few minutes, I stop them from rubbing and ask them to now “feel” their wrists. Their movements are instantly reduced to a slow, sensuous movement while their mind maps the terrain and response.  Next we spend time exploring ways to feel not just the skin covering the wrist, but what is under the skin by using movements that eliminate the distraction of skin to skin friction. Finally we process what is different between “rubbing and feeling”, and a giant light bulb goes on.

(more…)

Let your fingers do the walking

main8467If you got a chance to read about “The amusement park of orgasms” in Hot, Holy and Humorous, then you know that the first orgasm she describes is “The Roller Coaster Dip”. It is that mind blowing orgasm that swooshes down a free fall as it releases every ounce of sexual tension in your body. It can leave you feeling like a blob of putty that cannot move, speak or think.  It is the orgasm that results from stimulation of the clitoris by hands,  mouth, or whatever.

Direct stimulation of the clitoris is the most reliable way for women to orgasm. Many times it is the most defined orgasm especially if intercourse is not taking place at the same time. With clitoral stimulation , there is a clarity of where the sensations are coming and a radiating out from that point to the ends of our finger tips and toes and the top of our head.

For women that have never had an orgasm, giving yourself the freedom to do some self-exploration may be the best thing you ever do for your marriage. A book I read recently that worked with pre-orgasmic women, suggested spending an hour every day for 2-5 weeks to figure out what works for you. That sounds like an enormous amount of time. but why not. When we learn how to play an instrument or a sport, we commit to practice on a regular basis for years. So why not commit to learning your body, so that you can teach your husband?

Even for women that orgasm on a regular basis, it is not unusual for orgasms resulting from self stimulation to physically feel the strongest, and we might wonder how this can be.

(more…)

Discoveries in Sex

Masters_Of_SexI’ve been reading the book” Masters of Sex” that chronicles the life of William Masters and Virginia Johnson who revolutionized sex in the 1960’s. Previous to their studies, even doctors knew absolutely nothing about the actual physiology of sex, especially for women. If wives went to their ob/gyn with a question, they were simply given a hug and told that everything would be ok. In fact, Master’s and Johnson’s initial medical articles on sex were scorned because not even doctors dared to talk about sex.

Masters and Johnson monitored and observed over 10,000 orgasms resulting from self-stimulation or intercourse over a period of 10 years. They studied heart rates, pulse, changes in coloration, breath rates and even made a camera to observe what happens inside the vagina. It is doubtful that a study will ever be allowed again of this magnitude.

(more…)