I don’t think great sex just happens. Real life is not like the movies where the guy confidently takes you in his arms, you melt at his touch as desire inflames your body, and intercourse simultaneously takes both of you to the moon and back.
Great sex happens because you are brave enough to talk about your needs and desires, and courageous enough to hear and honor your spouse’s needs and desires.
In order to work towards having an orgasm during intercourse, you must talk about sex. You must talk about where you are at, what you would like to try, let him know how he can help, and come up with a plan B.
Where you are at – our husband cannot always tell if we have finished, especially if we let our bodies become aroused enough to orgasm. Sometimes we need to “fake it till we make it”, if you know what I mean. But we may not actually make it –this is where it is so important to communicate. The first time you talk about this, should not be right after sex. You should talk when you both are wide awake and not in bed.
The conversation might go something like this…
“When we have intercourse, I love feeling close to you, and I love feeling you inside of me. Even though I thoroughly enjoy it, I don’t always finish. I wish it was simpler for me, but sometimes my body is just tricky. It is nothing that you do, but I am still learning how my body works and what feels good.”
What you would like to try – In order to figure out what feels good during intercourse we need to have the freedom to control the movement, the tempo and the progression. Probably the easiest way, is for you to get on top and straddle him. In this position, you can adjust the angle, linger in certain areas, and align different body parts. You can also control the tempo of stimulation and the pace that things progress. Don’t be afraid to take charge and don’t believe the lie that your husband is supposed to give you an orgasm. When your husband has an orgasm during intercourse, he moves like he needs to move to make it happen. You just need to be willing to do the same.
The conversation might sound something like this….
” In order to figure out what really feels good to me, I’d like to have permission to try some new things. I’d like to try being on top and have you just lay still while I move and experiment. I need the freedom to do this from time to time so that I can reinforce and revisit things that feel good.”
How he can help –Your husband will also need to be your rock and your cheerleader. When you need a plan B, his loving assurance that it is good, will make a world of difference. When you are discouraged, he can remind you of how much more you are feeling and enjoying. When you become frustrated and need a break, he can take you to other places. Tell him how he can help you. He wants to be your hero.
The conversation might sound something like this…
“If I give up, I need you to take care of me. I need you to let me know that you care. I need you to remind me of the progress that I am making and the new things that we are learning together. “
Plan B – In order to take the pressure off both of you, you need to have a plan B, a way for you to finish if you don’t orgasm during intercourse. There are a couple of reasons that this is so important. The first is you do not want to set up a pattern of disappointment by leaving your body hanging time after time. Soon your body will begin to expect disappointment and it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. The second reason is you want to enjoy what is going on instead of worrying. If your husband is lying there thinking, “Am I going to last long enough?”, and you are thinking, “Am I going to make it?”, than are you really connecting? Give yourself the freedom to be present and enjoy the new sensations you may experience together without worrying finishing.
So what does a plan B look like….
Just because your husband finishes, does not mean that sex has to be over. Come up with a way for you to finish when he might be getting sleepy. It might mean finishing yourself with your hands while he holds you or plays with your breasts. It might mean pulling out a vibrator and having him hold it for you. He might want to use his hands or mouth on you. The key is not shutting yourself down because you didn’t finish during intercourse. It is not too much work, time, or trouble. You are absolutely worth it, so enjoy it.
The conversation outside of the bedroom might sound something like…
“I want to sometimes work towards having an orgasm during intercourse, but when I don’t finish, I want to have a plan B. Maybe you could finish me with your hands, or the vibrator”
Then you need to come up with simple phrases that you can use after intercourse to let him know you are not done.
“Can we keep going?”
“Want to get the bullet?”
“Hold my breasts while I finish.”
Talking about sex is hard and it is one of the areas that drastically improved my sex life. The first thing that helped my husband and me get over the hurdle of talking about sex was to read together the book, “Sheet Music” by Dr Kevin Leman. Reading the words out loud helped our mouths learn to speak about sex. Reading the book, also put us on neutral territory. No longer was one of us bringing up an issue that had to be addressed, but we were simply sharing in response to what we had read, “ yes, that is totally how it is for me” or, “ it’s not like that for me, but it’s more like this…”If you have never gotten comfortable talking to your spouse about sex, pick up Sheet Music and read it together.
If you can have honest conversations about sex without getting prickly, there is no limit to where you can go. If you want to work towards having an orgasm during intercourse, have some conversations with your husband and keep strengthening those kegel muscles. Next week we talk about FLEXIBILITY TRAINING.