Things exist that create barriers to having a great sex life. Sometimes they impact our mindset and other times they steal our energy. Sometime we need to change them for ourselves and other times we need to be part of the solution for others.
I want to share the barriers to having a great sex life that I have recognized in my own life and inspire you to identify your own barriers. We need to get on the offensive to proactively battle our barriers in order to claim God’s good gift of sex.
Expectations
Expectations can lead to disappointment. Instead of enjoying what happens I spend my time thinking about what should happen. My head fills with negativity and criticism that sets my husband up for failure. The times I enjoy sex the most are when I have no expectations. I show up ready for anything, hoping to discover something new about my husband, and allowing my husband to see what he can learn.
Anxiety
Anxiety is the enemy of our God given natural response during sex. The thought of “will I orgasm this time?” can quickly derail my pleasure. Worrying about whether my husband thinks I’m hot fills me with insecurities that make me shrink back into my shell.
Anxiety can also wreak havoc on a man’s response. Worrying about ejaculating too soon, or maintaining an erection can quickly become self-fulfilling prophecies. Our bodies function best when we get out of our head, relax and let our bodies respond naturally.
Screens
Screens have invaded the world and create a huge barrier to intimacy. If I am not careful, I can easily get lost checking Facebook or email. Minutes turn into hours and eat up my time and attention. Screens even distracts my mind as I wait for the next post or text to grab my attention.
We have to establish healthy boundaries for technology. My husband and I ban phones from meals, our bed and dates. At night, we drag each other upstairs instead of watching one more Netflix. We must create screen free zones, protect our time together and connect eye to eye.
Lust
Lust causes us to devalue what we have and entices us away from true connection. Whether we lust after the jogger on the street, the hunk in the romance novel or the luscious blond on the screen, it grabs our attention and constantly calls to us. Lust leaves us feeling empty, unsatisfied, critical and lost. For years, romance novels caused me to compare my husband to something he could never compete with. When I focused my energy on learning about my husband, communicating, and intimately connecting with my husband, the novels lost their attraction. As we create the sex life that God wants for us and starve lust, our eyes will be opened to the blessings that God gave us.
Priorities
No one controls our life but us. We get to decide where we spend our time and energy. We get to decide how many nights we spend serving at church or how many activities we bus our kids around to. No magic pill exists that will create a great sex life. You must prioritize time and energy to connect and you might have to make some hard choices. I have purposefully decided not to teach classes more than two nights a week so that my husband and I have time to connect.
What have you put ahead of intimately connecting in your marriage? Kids, Work, Ministry, Your phone, Video games? What can you change to make your sex life a priority?
Misinformation
Women’s bodies work so differently than men’s bodies, or even how sex is portrayed in media. Without good information, women might just give up and settle for mediocre sex. When I started reading good books like Sheet Music and great blogs like Christian Nymphos, Hot, Holy and Humorous, and The Marriage Bed, I started understanding just how great God wanted sex to be for both my husband and me. Take the time to learn about your body and sex by checking out some posts like Clitoral Orgasms, Intercourse Insight, or Positions and Movement, . Learn how to tap into the things that arouse you like words or touch. Figure out how to experience orgasm on a consistent basis regardless of whether it happens during intercourse.
Silence
Part of the reason we struggle with sex in marriage is because of the silence that surrounds it. The church has got to start talking about sex and I’m not just talking about our pastors preaching from the pulpit. We need to have people mentor us as we encounter challenges at different life stages. We need friends to encourage us to make time to connect, have fun and take steps of freedom. And we need to mentor younger women and share what we have learned.
Over and over, I have seen transformation take place in community. Do you have a group of women that you can talk to about sex in good and healthy ways? Try facilitating an Awaken-Love class with friends and create an amazing group of Christian sisters that can encourage each other and spur one another on. I often joke that maybe we need accountability groups for sex in marriage like we have for purity in singleness.
Separation from God – thinking it’s not important
Letting God into my marriage bed was the first step to transforming my sex life from a physical act to intimately connecting with my husband. When I understood God’s design for sex and how powerfully it connected me to my husband, I realized how important sex was for me.
God became a source of freedom as I prayed over baggage that I brought to my marriage and received healing. God revealed the lies that I had believed about sex and He revealed His truth through His word. Praying over my sex life helped me to let go of expectations and pressure and to just relax and enjoy the moment.
Sex has become a way that we celebrate who God made us to be and we get a little taste of what it means to be naked and unashamed.
Bring God into your marriage bed and let God bless your socks off.
What Barriers do you have in creating a great sex life with your spouse and how do you battle them?
The Author
The thought of having an accountability partner is awesome. I think it should be a must. One of the hardest parts is timing, everyone is so busy these days. It seems there is no time for what is important until something goes wrong. What if we took time to make things go right? Thanks again Ruth.
Recently, I wrote a letter to my husband of 29 years letting him know that I felt that we were growing apart and that I missed the closeness we used to have. I also addressed the issue of sex, and let him know that I wanted to work on improving our sex life. I asked if he thought I didn’t like sex, or if it was because I had difficulty having an orgasms that we weren’t having sec very often, and usually only when I initiated. After reading it he said that it wasn’t my fault and he couldn’t go on letting me blame myself. He then explained that he is gay and had fallen in love with someone and had been living this secret life for 10 years. That is a big barrier.
Debbie,
I am so sorry. I cannot imagine how hard that was to hear.
I pray that God will fill you with grace as you go thru this difficult time. May He comfort you in your sorry and bring Godly friends that will love you well. May He provide everything that you need.
Blessings,
Ruth
Thank you, I appreciate your prayers. God led me to a secret facebook group for women with marriage difficulties. They are great women and I have found a lot of support there. My husband has only come out to me so far, so I am not able to share with any of my friends and family. I need time to process this and we want to work through things somewhat before we tell our sons and any other family or friends. But God has been faithful, beyond what I could have imagined.
Thank you again for your prayers.