Intercourse is God’s design to make what seems like an impossibility, an opportunity for growth.
Over the course of my marriage, intercourse has changed drastically from
- something that I just endured
- to something that frustrated the heck out of me
- to something that I crave- regardless of whether I reach orgasm.
Intercourse, more than any other sexual act has stretched my husband and I to talk about really hard stuff. It has forced us to not just focus on mechanics but on connection. We have thrown out every preconceived idea of what intercourse looks like and instead created something that works for us. And we have grown enormously because of it, individually and as a couple.
Many of the changes have taken place because my husband was willing to let me figure out what works for me. The surprising thing is how much my husband has enjoyed it – and not just because I am enjoying it. Somehow, we are much more relaxed and connected during intercourse and he senses it too.
So, ask your husband to let you take charge for a while, (woman on top is probably the best position) and along the way, you might just show him a whole new world.
I want to share some specific things that have made a difference for me….
Intercourse used to be a blur of motion, and honestly, I couldn’t feel a thing. The best advice a friend shared was to just slow down. She said, start by getting him inside of you and just be still. Allow your body to wake up and let him acclimate to a wonderful warm place and just settle in. If you have not read Rub vs Feel – read it and do the exercise using your wrist. Think about feeling your husband instead of just rubbing him. In order to do that you have to move slow – I mean really slow. You have to meld your body to his, not just penis to vagina, but every part that wants to meet. Once you start moving, you have to pay attention to your body and figure out what feels good. Slowly, intentionally find ways to rub your clitoris on him, or stimulate your vagina using his penis. The outer third of the vagina has the most nerve endings so that might mean really shallow thrusting. Positions and Movement will help you understand.
Sometime more is not necessarily better. Yes, you can stimulate the clitoris, and the breast, and the vagina, and the lips at the same time. But every once in a while, take a step back and just focus on one area or one sensation at a time. Breath deep, relax and take it in. Be patient and allow your body to wake up, and then slowly begin leaning into what feels good. See what you can discover and how far you can ride it.
Get Medical Help
I went years with intercourse causing my vagina to burn afterwards. Not one doctor at my yearly visits ever asked how sex was going and I was too embarrassed to bring it up. Years later when I was dealing with issues due to menopause I brought up the issue and when my doctor asked how long it had been going I thought to myself, “Oh my gosh, forever!”. If intercourse is painful ask your doctor about it and keep asking until you get some answers.
Engage your Mind and all of your Senses
There are other ways to create arousal besides mechanics. When we feel connected with our spouse – that is a turn on. When we watch the way that our bodies fit together and are amazed at God’s design – that is a turn on. When we speak to each other or hear each other’s breath ramp up – that is a turn on. When we kiss like we can’t get enough – that is a turn on. When we pause and smile at each other, or communicate that we need a minute to catch up – that is a turn on. If your husband holds you with strength and looks into your eyes – that is a turn on. You see arousal is dependent on a lot more than friction
Begin to Associate his Penis with Pleasure
Take a step toward believing that intercourse can be pleasurable by using your husband’s penis to create pleasure other ways. Straddle your husband, lube yourself up and use his penis to stimulate your clitoris. Push the head all over and enjoy the sensations. Create a tunnel between your hand and your vulva for his penis to slowly pass thru. Have your husband lay on top of you with the head of his penis pressed into your clitoris. As you feel him press into you, slowly push your pelvis against him, breathe deeply, feel his body cover yours and see how aroused you can get.
Get your Body in Shape
The older I get the more I understand how important it is to keep my body in shape. Stronger Kegels mean stronger orgasms and increased chance of orgasm during intercourse. A strong body, abs, legs, butt, or back will help you move like you want to move for as long as you want. Don’t just lay there during intercourse but get involved. Move in circles, side to side, or whatever feels good.
Have a Plan B
Take the pressure off of both you during intercourse by coming up with an easy way for you to finish afterwards. If you’ve never had this conversation with your spouse, you might want to read Talk about What to get some ideas. Enjoy what you discover during intercourse instead of worrying about whether you orgasm. There are plenty of other ways to finish afterward that do not require his penis.
Pray about It
I distinctly remember one frustrating night of trying so hard to make things work during intercourse that was a turning point. In tears, I told my husband, “I can’t do this anymore,” and he held me while I prayed. I told God that I was done trying to make things work and I just gave it to Him. Whatever He had for me, I was going to enjoy. Somehow thru releasing my expectations, it freed me up to discover new things each and every time we connected. Our sex life is not something that most of us pray about, but we probably should.
My husband and I do are not even close to having everything figured out, and once in a while I still struggle with expectations or frustrations. But even though it did not start out this way, intercourse is now something I thoroughly look forward to. When we come together, I feel like our thoughts meld as one even above our own pleasure. My hope and desire is that someday we might be so in tune to each other, that we don’t even know who is leading and who is following. So don’t give up, and think that because you don’t enjoy intercourse today, you won’t enjoy it down the road. Consider the challenges of intercourse an opportunity for growth and just another way that God makes you into ONE.
What have you learned that has made intercourse more enjoyable?