In a world of compromise, self-sacrifice, and equality we must make a conscious effort to create sexual tension in the bedroom. When we constantly compromise then we lose ourselves. Gone are the unique differences that originally drew ourselves to each other. If we never have any desires or needs because we don’t want to appear selfish, then we loose passion. When we operate as compete equals then we negate, the difference between men and women. Those differences create a polarity that creates fascination, excitement and dependence. As the roles or men and women change in society, don’t let them impact who we are and how we interact during sex.
Hang Onto Yourself
God created you unique. With a mind filled with creative ideas and a body yearning for specific sexual experiences. Though we need to love our spouse and respect their desires, we must also vulnerably share our own. Don’t compromise to the point of having no opinions or ideas of your own. Love yourself enough to hang onto yourself.
The best sex happens with a healthy balance of giving and receiving. Though your spouses needs should be fulfilled, don’t negate your own. One of the best gift that you can give to your spouse is to let them slay you. That takes communication, expressing yourself and great courage. Letting your spouse know you, will fuel passion in your marriage bed. Without it, sex feels lifeless.
The Challenges of Equality
Societal changes, though in many ways positive, have decreased the differences that naturally existed between the roles of men and women. Most men used to work hard with their body. Plowing the fields, mining, pushing the mower or working on their car kept them in touch with their strength and power. Days spent working behind computers, playing video games, or on riding a mower, cause men to forget the reward of sweat and the strength they possess.
Huge positive strides have opened up opportunities in education, the work place, and new roles for women. We communicate well, multi task, focus well in school, manage the home and may someday run the country. But how many of us have a hard time letting our husband lead?
We nit pick about where he parks at church, the outfits he dresses the kids in, and how he folds the laundry. Even in bed, we struggle to let them lead. Instead we just take control because he is being too timid, or not exciting enough.
Maybe it is just me that struggles. But I wonder if wives have always struggled to let their husband lead, or if it is becoming a more common problem. Is it possible that as opportunities have become more available to women and we have become more confident, that we have contributed to our husbands losing their confidence?
Remembering Our Roles
It is so tricky. Because I don’t think that women are supposed to shrink back simply so that men will step up. I think we both need to take ownership as we adjust to a culture and society that is moving towards equality for men and women.
Men need to rediscover their power and strength. To understand the importance of a job well done. They need to make their needs known in gentle but strong confidence. To protect their families and women. Men must turn off porn and start pursuing their wife. Even in the bedroom they need to reclaim their strength and their power for loving their wife physically.
Women need to rediscover how to be soft and to let go of control. To let their husband take care of them. Wives must encourage husbands in the small ways that they care and provide. Wives need to feel the strength of their husband in bed and revel at their difference. Stop ordering him around, stop nagging him, stop reminding him and mothering him. Learn to slow down and be soft. To quiver at his touch, or melt at his gaze. It is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign of courage.
Final Thoughts
Our core desires and the way that God created men and women have not changed. Women still desire strong husbands that will confidently lead – even in the marriage bed. Wives still struggle with insecurities of whether their husband really loves them. Husbands still want to know that their wives needs them. They wants to be there for her, to rescue her and be her hero. Though we have the privilege to experience more equality in the work place and even in the marriage bed, don’t deny the differences God created. Sometimes the strength of a man, should make a woman weak in the knees.
The Author
Amazing as always Ruth. This is very helpful for us at the moment, giving me confidence (permission maybe?) to be the man God made me to be.
Thank you x
We (Evangelicals? Christians in general? Western culture?) have made a mess for ourselves in my opinion with our focus on defined “roles” for men and women. I really like what you have said in this post. You blur our traditional roles while holding on to our inherent differences between male and female.
In the work I have been doing these last several years, I have come to the conclusion that hierarchical relationships are by definition not intimate relationships. Unless my wife and I stand shoulder to shoulder, belly to belly, as equals, we cannot sustain intimacy. I am not saying we are identical, I am saying we are equals. We can collaborate together as equals. If we’re not equals, we end up complicit in a power struggle. Yes, I think these dynamics apply to our bedrooms as well. In fact, they are most easily seen in our bedrooms.
Are you familiar with Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife? I suspect you are. We subscribe to her Room For Two podcast which is totally worth the price. She comes from a highly hierarchical system, Latter Day Saints, and defies their traditional roles. She is adamant that we can have a role based marriage or an intimacy based marriage but not both.
As usual, I think these ideas have application to our intimacy with Jesus but that is a little harder to see. For another day…
I am a big fan of Dr Jennifer Finlayson Fife, though I just started following her a year ago. And I love her Room for Two Podcast. Thanks for sharing.