Why can’t I let him lead?

Can I let you in on a secret?


“I have a much easier time enjoying sex when I am leading”….

There, I said it. The cat is out of the bag.


“I like to decide when we are going to have sex and how we are going to have it.”

When I am leading, I enjoy all the plans as they unfold. I take my husband places, I change it up and surprise him. I tune into his body and his arousal – and it actually turns me on. Sometimes I like to turn up the heat, and sometimes I like to make it tantalizingly slow and delicious. And my husband doesn’t seem to have any issue with it. He is able to just go with the flow. Sometimes when I treat him, he just lays back and soaks it in.  Other times when it is more interactive, he hops right on board and doesn’t miss a beat. He can match my mood and my pace and I absolutely know that he is there with me. My body naturally responds, sex is great and I thoroughly enjoy it.

But I know that it is important for my husband to lead, too.

“It’s not that I don’t want my husband to lead.”

“I do.”

“I REALLY do.”

And honestly, maybe I want it too much. Maybe I have too many romantic ideas of what that looks like or unrealistic expectations.

“But I think that it is even worse than that… because my husband is no slouch.”

He has studied me well. He knows my body and how it works. He knows lots of ways that it works. He knows how to hold me different ways depending on my mood. He even uses his words once in a while. He changes things up and is constantly trying new things and sometimes things go great when he leads.

But other times, it is a nightmare. As he initiates and tries to take me somewhere, I am laying there analyzing every little move he does and picking it apart. It’s awful, really awful. Honestly, I don’t think it would matter what he did, I think I would still find something wrong with it. Other times, I am laying there worrying about what is coming next, or exactly what he is doing, or even trying to discern if there is a rough spot on his hand that I am feeling.

It is almost as if I am trying to sabotage our connection.

“Why can’t I just relax and enjoy it?”

“Why can’t I just go with the flow like he does?”

“How come I can’t just jump on board with what he has in mind?”

“Why do I have to control what we do?”

Sometimes I actually wonder if I have been possessed. I want him to lead, and then when he does, I pick it apart? That makes no sense.

I am embarrassed to say that many times I end up complaining about what my husband did or did not do. I find some microscopic issue with how he approached me or interacted –  UNTIL REALITY HITS – and I find myself once again apologizing for being so picky and complicated.

I am so glad my husband does not give up on me.

I remember one time when it happened that I actually started praying silently for God to help me get on board and I prayed for the critical spirit to stop. It actually worked. I need to do that again….

I doesn’t seem like this sex thing should be  so hard….But it is.

So don’t give up….

On each other

Or on yourself.

And while you are at it, thank your spouse for not giving up on you. 

Comments 3

  1. I don’t understand this. There is no lead/follow in my marriage bed. We pretty much do the same thing every time (hubby’s choice, not mine) and while I am in top, it isn’t like I am leading anything. I have my turn, then he has his. There isn’t usually any initiating. We pretty much agree upon our set times for sex.

    Maybe that is him leading because if I try to divert from any of the above, it is usually rejected by him.

    • mm

      It sounds like you are not totally happy with your current situation. Marriage is hard and sexual intimacy is the hardest. Continue to love your husband right where he is at, but if you dare, take some small steps yourself towards connection. Stay present, see your husband, feel him, smell him, and see if you can entice him to meet you there. I am praying for softness and for walls to be broken down.
      Blessings, Ruth

  2. Wow! It’s like I wrote that. Thank you fur sharing and being do vulnerable. Good even said to Adam and Eve we will struggle over being in control. This certainly is the case for me. TY for the easy and obvious encouragement to send up a prayer when getting in critical mode.

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