Letting Our Husband Lead

Let me say up front, I have not read the book “Fifty Shades of Grey”.

I have read enough about the book to get the general idea of the plot and the characters, and I have a theory about why women are so attracted to its pages.

We want our husbands to lead.  We want them to lead in bed, and sometimes we even want them to lead strongly.

Not in the twisted way that this character from “Fifty Shades of Grey” does, but with a selfless love of a husband that knows his wife.

We want our husbands tuned into our needs and our bodies so they know exactly what we want… maybe even before we know. We want them to hold us with a gentle firmness that says “I’ve got you.” We want them to explore us with the attention that they are utterly enthralled by our bodies, even when we feel insecure. We want them to take us down a path so confidently, that we can trust them, and stop worrying whether or not we will respond.  We want our husbands to lead.

The problem is…. we are awful at letting our husbands lead.

Our heads spin with ideas that we think are better than our husbands. We decide in advance that we can only respond to a certain touch that we determine. We can’t just enjoy the moment, but we worry about what is coming next and how we are going to get to point B. We hang on tight to the reins, in constant fear that we might experience something that would truly make us lose control. Face it ladies, we are awful at letting our husbands lead.

So how do we let go of control – and how do we get our husbands to lead.


Letting go of control is one of the hardest things we will ever do, and without God, we don’t stand a chance. Pray specifically for God to help you surrender and enjoy where ever your husband chooses to take you.

Just like when you are driving somewhere, several different paths may work. If you allow your husband to take you on his path, you may enjoy something completely different than if you always take your path.

(I am not saying that you should not communicate your likes and dislikes, I am just saying don’t miss out on something new because you always have to take your path)

Stop your head from spinning

We are so full of worrying about the “shoulds” and “coulds” that we miss out on the present. It is as if we are the photographer at a wedding. We are constantly thinking about the next shot, the lighting, and the background,  that we don’t experience the wedding at all.

One of the best ways that I have found to get out of my head and just be present, is to intentionally focus on one of my 5 senses. For example, I might focus on the sense of smell and intentionally tune into the smells in my marriage bed.

Stop focusing on point B and focus on the connection

Sex is about knowing each other. It is about seeing each other. It is about connecting. You can have an earth shattering orgasm, but if you are not connecting with your spouse, you will soon become unsatisfied. Make sex about connecting and constantly learning about each other, and you will never get bored.

Expand his playbook

Your husband needs your help in getting to know you. Teach him lots of plays and variations until he is comfortable, and soon he will start creating his own plays and variations.

It is like when you learn to dance. You learn the basic steps to the foxtrot and get really comfortable with it. Then you add some variations, like traveling, or a spin. As you become more comfortable, eventually you make up your own variations.

Turn the reins over to your husband

I think there are moments when we really need our husband to lead. Maybe you are feeling insecure, or vulnerable, and you  really need him to hold you tight. We need to let our husbands know, by maybe saying something like, “I need you to love me from your strength.” Or maybe you just want to let him know he is in charge and you are game for wherever he wants to take you by saying, “take me somewhere tonight. I will go wherever you want”. Develop phrases that he understands in order to communicate how you would like to be lead.

Encourage, encourage, encourage

There is no better way to get your husband to lead, than to encourage him. Catch every little way that he begins to lead. Encourage him as he reads your body. Encourage him as he becomes more present and connected. Encourage him when he holds you strongly. Encourage him when he tries something new. Encourage, encourage, encourage.

So, how do you let go of the control – and how do you encourage your husband to lead?

Originally Published as Take me somewhere… on December 1, 2014


Comments 4

  1. As a husband, I appreciate what you are saying a lot.
    But even more than that, I relate to what you are saying because I am, we are, the bride of Christ. Everything you have said, everything, is true when applied to my relationship with Jesus. The struggles that you describe also describe my struggles in relating to Jesus in an intimate way. I think I know where he should take me, how he should lead me, and I’m easily distracted. Further, surrender is the answer between me and Jesus, just like you describe. The only difference is this: Jesus is the perfect bridegroom while I am perfectly imperfect as my wife’s bridegroom. I’m thankful for the grace given by both Jesus and my dear wife!

    • mm

      Thanks for sharing your insight. It always amazes me how many parallels our sex life has to having an intimate relationship with Christ.
      Blessings, Ruth

  2. Really the thanks go to you for sharing YOUR insight, twice a week no less! I appreciate you and your work. But thanks for thanking me.

  3. “Sex is about connecting . .” Yes, the connection that can be achieved is worth working for. By focusing too much on orgasm, a person can fail to appreciate and savor the connection with one’s spouse.

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