Have you ever thought about what sex looked like in the Garden of Eden? I imagine the first time Adam saw Eve, he was instantly mesmerized. Someone finally like him! Yet her differences were what really caught his eye. The curves of her body, the softness of her skin, even the way that she walked and talked.
Adam must have had a hard time keeping his eyes off of Eve as her body magnetically drew him. When he gently reached to touch her, the curves of her body fit perfectly into his hands. Unafraid, Eve trusted him and immediately relaxed into his touch. Gently he explored and caressed listening for the purr of her satisfaction.
The more Adam touched her, the more Eve’s body woke up and became hungry for him. As his body covered her, the wetness drew him into her. Suddenly aware of becoming “one”, he laid still for a moment, in awe of what had happened. As she gently smiled at him and they looked into each other’s eyes, they slowly began to move together until eventually they fell into a puddle of each other.
Even though sex felt exciting and wonderful to Eve, she knew there was more to discover. Filled with playfulness, she anticipated her turn to explore. The way his penis grew, and sought her out reminded her of the small fury animals that loved to be pet behind the ears. She wanted to see it, touch it, stroke it and even to feel it against her lips…
I’d better stop, lest I cross some lines…
Adam and Eve enjoyed total freedom in the Garden of Eden – with their own body and their spouse’s body. With no preconceived idea of what sex looked like they simply craved intimacy and connection. Unafraid to be known they fearlessly expressed themselves through words, movement, or even the groans when words would not come. Void of all expectations, they didn’t worry about performance or what they looked like. Without past wounds, they didn’t recoil at touch, or wonder about intentions. They loved watching what happened and were amazed at God’s creation in each other. They simply enjoyed God’s goodness and reveled in new discoveries.
Living in a Broken World
Our world looks nothing like the Garden of Eden. Media has filled us with images of what sex is supposed to look like. These ideas stunt our own creativity and cause us to drive toward orgasm rather than exploration. Media and magazines cause wives to exchange their husbands’ compliments for insecurities or self-hatred. Pornography and Erotica dirty our ideas of sex, causing some to discard almost everything while others clamor to recreate scenes. We cannot even discern our ideas from something we saw or read. Performance anxiety plagues both men and women and steals the joy of sex. Silence from our families and churches leave us feeling stunted and awkward instead of open and free. Sex feels like anything but a blessing.
A Taste of Freedom
But what if God intended sex in marriage to be a taste of the freedom Adam and Eve experienced in the Garden of Eden?
- God’s original intent for us before sin entered the world.
- Before we started hiding and blaming each other.
- Before we began to covet and lust after what we cannot have
- When we had no wounds and no fear
How Do We Move Towards God’s Original Intent?
God cares about us and knows every detail and hurt – even involving our sexuality. He wants you to be free from the lies and deception that the world offers. If you are still immersed in lust than take the battle seriously. Be honest, get help and go after God. If you are hanging onto past sins, then receive God’s forgiveness and forgive yourself. If you are wounded then go after healing through counseling and prayer. Find your worth from Jesus and He will guide you.
Trusting God causes us to know that our past does not have power over us. Trusting God helps us to value honesty more than perfection in our spouse. Lustful images that tainted our minds can be replaced with beautiful memories that husband and wife make together. When God asks us to get naked, we can get naked, because we would rather be known then hide behind a leaf or blame our spouse.
Jesus paid the price for our sins, and He redeems us. He has torn the veil so that we can have face to face relation ship, not only with Him but with others. Every day He gives us a fresh start to get up and LIVE again.
Creating the Garden of Eden
Don’t try to create what the world defines as great sex, but what God intended. Let yourself be known by sharing all of yourself, even your insecurities or brokenness. Create a safe place for your spouse to be honest and known. Focus on connection instead of orgasm. Bring God into your marriage bed. Pray before sex and ask Him to bless your connection. Ask for His truth and discernment as you make choices together. Make your marriage bed a journey of discovering God’s goodness. Receive the freedom and gifts that God gives you.
Final Thoughts
Regardless of your past experiences, or your spouse’s past struggles, do you trust God with your sexuality? Will you seek His truth and desire for your marriage bed? Is God, all powerful, able, and good? Do you believe He can heal and give you a fresh start? Do you want a taste of the Garden of Eden?
If your spouse is unrepentant about sexual sin, and not actively seeking healing, then please set boundaries and seek help.
The Author
Beautiful! Key words in Genesis – NAKED and NOT ASHAMED! There was also no fear!
You are a very gifted and talented writer, Ruth!
Wow!
And I’m glad you stopped when you did. ?
There is so much amazing truth in your blog. It is hard for a man like me not to want to share it with my wife. But I know that it would not be received well if I did. I don’t know what it is but it seems like even my encouragements are being received as criticism. I would so love to live the life you describe here, the way God intended it. And I don’t necessarily even mean sexually. Just the freedom to be, to give and receive and not always have ones motives questioned. It is sooo discouraging!!
I pray that God would open doors for conversations and healing. The He would give you discernment in how to love your wife right where she is at. And that you would see His goodness through all of it.
Thank you! Yes, I wish I knew how to love her in a way that is life giving to her. It looks so different then what is life giving to me. She is such a wonderful woman and I love her sooo much and love seeing her happy and thriving, yet the things that make that happen seem like they have nothing to do with me. These are all just things that only God could do for her.
I asked her this morning: If there was one wish (miracle) that God could grant her that would turn our marriage into a positive direction, what would it be? She had about 7or 8 and not a single one had to do with me. It sounds great on the surface because I’m not really being blamed for anything, yet it makes me feel like I’m not part of any solution, not even really wanted in it.
Before I could even say what my one thing was, she already knew. ? Yes, a more free and engaging sexual relationship.
Your questions in your “Final thoughts” are so great! I’d like to think that she would agree to all of them, yet the subject of sexuality just doesn’t seem like it is of enough importance to spend much thought or energy on, even though she knows what’s missing for me. But there are so many more important goals and dreams in life to accomplish then this.
J, please know that there are many men (and women) in your situation who find wonderful blogs like Ruth’s or communities like ours and wish they could share with their spouse, but know that it’s not the right time. Yet, we can still rejoice in the fact that you found it, that there are others in your situation looking for answers, that there are others who understand that sexuality is a gift from God, that we can embrace it fully if we have the right mindset. Ruth and her site are such a blessing.
Yes she is! At least to those who have the mindset that she portrays here!
Wonderfully done! May we all strive to get back to being naked and unafraid in all areas of our lives with our spouses.
I’ll be the women to comment, as I see several men. This article is spot on to what was holding me back in my marriage bed. Because of your class I have forgiven myself, just has God has forgiven me. Thank you for the amazing reminders.
Thank you for sharing the importance of not only receiving God’s forgiveness, but of forgiving yourself.
The gentleman’s comments above ring very true to my own. I genuinely desire that kind of intimacy (spiritual, emotional, physical) for my marriage but it is not shared by my wife. She suffered trauma as an adult that has affected her and is unwilling to seek help. She avoids any talk about physical intimacy and we have not been so in 6 years and she even admitted that not once in our 20 year marriage has she been authentic when we have.
So Ruth. You very last paragraph talks about setting boundaries. What does that look like? What would healthy and appropriate boundaries be in my situation?
When I wrote this article and talked about setting boundaries, my mind probably always goes to the wife whose husband is entrapped in porn or lust. But just like we need to set boundaries with lust, there are times when we need to set boundaries to make our spouse understand the serious impact of a sexless marriage.
I would never presume to tell anyone what choices or boundaries that they should set. I think it takes some real soul searching, and hearing from God. While you need to focus on loving your wife like Christ loved the church, you also need to be true to yourself. If you hate having sex with someone that is just going through the motions, then don’t do it. If you don’t want to just settle for a sexless marriage, then don’t give up on looking for answers. If you can no longer handle sleeping in the same bed with a spouse that you love but won’t physically love you, then calmly move to a different bed. If your wife won’t go to counseling, then go to counseling yourself. Set your boundaries out of a calm steady place, that is not manipulative, but searching for answers when there is none.
Use counseling to understand yourself. Continue to vulnerably communicate with your spouse, not just about your needs, but your hopes and desire for your marriage and for your wife’s wholeness. Learn how to love a woman impacted by trauma by reading books, or insight from the counselor. Focus on rebuilding trust. Learn how your choices and words have impacted her, take responsibility and seek reconciliation. Work on your relationship with God. Share with your wife how God is changing you.
I pray that as your relationship with God strengthens, that He would give you a steadiness in both how you love your wife and in your resolve to create the intimate marriage that He wants for you.