Recently I shared with a friend my frustrations of trying to move from great sex, to passionate sex. As she nodded her head in agreement, she replied, “I know exactly what you mean. I don’t know how to get there, but I know that I love sex with my husband after he’s had a shot of whiskey.”
I think most of us can relate. A glass of wine, a shot of whiskey, and we turn into a different person. We lose inhibitions and become freer. Rather than thinking about all the reasons we shouldn’t have sex – “the baby might wake”, “I have an early morning meeting”, “I haven’t shaved” – we fearlessly dive into our body’s desires. Instead of worrying about how much we are pleasing our spouse, or what we should do next, we enjoy the present. Though a decreased concern for someone else might sound unhealthy, in safe marriages, hunger for what we want, can fuel our spouse’s enjoyment as much as our own.
How Marriage Changes Passion
Passionate sex typically happens outside of marriage, not within marriage. One-night stands run on adrenaline that helps people let loose and show their deep desires. Without a permanent investment in the relationship, they don’t have to worry about what the other person will think of them the next morning. They just go for it.
But when we get married, everything changes. Lacking adrenaline to reduce our inhibitions, we fear rejection from the most important person in the world. So we shrink back, and have safe, mediocre, boring sex. We focus on serving our spouse and meeting their needs.
But, “What do you want?” or, “How do I fulfill your needs?”, doesn’t exactly get the heart racing. Starved for passion, we can settle for living vicariously through others. Steamy movies or romance novels provide the passion to satisfy our craving for excitement. We begin to believe the lie that passionate sex and marriage can’t coexist.
But what if God never intended sex in marriage to be boring.
Song of Songs portrays a steaminess dripping with myrrh and all the finest spices. She invites him for an early outdoor adventure in the vineyard. He arouses her with words and bids her, “Come my darling, come with me.” We witness a striptease where she freely shares her body to tease his eyes. God’s book on intimacy portrays anything but boring sex. God’s books oozes passion.
So How Do We Create Passion in Marriage?
Create Trust in Your Marriage
To show your innermost desires, the things that really get your heart beating, requires great trust in your marriage. You both must be able to handle sexually charged situations without using laughter or jokes to mask discomfort. Our spouse’s desire and ideas must drive our excitement as much as our own. Trust takes time to build, but it also requires that we put ourselves out there and fail a few times. If we always play it safe, how we will know that we can trust them. If we always play it safe, how will they learn to handle charged sexual energy.
We also have to trust that we are so bonded to our spouse, that when they listen to their body, it will benefit both of us. We must know that our spouse would never try to degrade us, use us or hurt us. Even when we might feel surprised, we must implicitly trust their heart, intentions and motivation. Can you trust that your spouse’s sexual desires were created by God and will benefit you too?
Trust Yourself
Sometimes we don’t allow ourselves to be passionate because we don’t trust ourselves. We wonder if we will go too far, or get too wild. Even when we understand that God wants us to enjoy sex, we can still hold shame when it comes to real freedom in the marriage bed. We feel like passionate sex might be this dark place that will suck us in and swallow us up. If God is with us, if we are creating intimacy with our spouse, then can we step into enjoying the freedom God intends? Can we move beyond operating in a way that our mind constantly checks our action, and trust even our own body?
Permission
Because of the ways that men have hurt women through sex, and the vulnerability of a woman opening herself up, most husbands face an uphill battle to build trust. Loving husbands will learn to focus more on her pleasure and making her feel safe. Constantly gauging her comfort level, hesitation or fear, they learn to rein themselves in. Their own desires become an afterthought.
As a wife gains confidence in her husband and in the bedroom, she may need to help him transition to thinking about himself for a change. Passionate sex runs on desire and he may have learned to ignore his needs long ago. Give him permission and encourage him to listen to his body. Take the lead and show him how to let desire fuel passion by enrapturing him. Be patient as he relearns how to listen to his body, and trust that you want what he wants.
Getting out of your Head and Into Your Body
We spend most of life, living in our head. In fact, many times we tune out our body to avoid feeling painful emotions like fear, loneliness or rejection. During sex we think about what we should do, monitor our spouse, or worry about performance. But in order to have passionate sex, you will need to learn to stop thinking, and start feeling. Your body, not your mind will drive your desires and create the passionate sex life you want.
Most of us aren’t used to spending time in our body and it will take practice outside of sex to get comfortable.
- Hone into your senses during meals and taste the flavors of each bite. Smell the aromas that stir your hunger. Discover the textures that create variety and contrasts.
- Learn to settle your mind during prayer. Don’t just listen to God but learn to experience His presence.
- Exchange sensuous massages and listen to your body. What does it enjoy? What is your body asking for? Feel your spouse and allow yourself to be felt.
During sex, quiet your mind and listen to your body. Trust that your spouse will communicate needs without asking. What feels good?. Is your body screaming for something? What do you want? Reach down to share your deepest desires. Trust your spouse, trust yourself, and set yourself loose – even without a shot of whiskey.
Final Thoughts
Having passionate sex doesn’t happen on your own. It requires two healthy, sexually confident people to show up and share themselves. Receiving your spouses desires requires great care and an openness to explore new territory.
I believe that God wants us to move beyond just meeting each other’s needs into the secret place of deep knowing. Can you learn to trust, listen to your body, and embrace that passion that God created?
How have you learned to create passion in your sex life?
The Author
WOW! You nailed it! I’m going to have to reread and ruminate on this one. Also, think of the spiritual implications. As the Bride of Christ, God wants our focus to be on Him with no distractions or inhibitions, carelessly and passionately responding to, and delighting in, His will. We can’t be double-minded, having two masters. His jealousy and commandments are for our benefit. David comes to mind.
My most intimate memories are when we got completely lost in the moment. Need to do that again, it’s been way too long.
I agree. There is so much to learn about our relationship with Christ when we move towards deeper intimacy in marriage. Thanks for commenting – and yes, keep ruminating.
WOW! Another great post. I learn so much by reading your blog. Thank you. My husband and I have been talking about and trying how to achieve passionate sex. I found this statement very profound, “we must implicitly trust their heart, intentions and motivation. Can you trust that your spouse’s sexual desires were created by God and will benefit you too?” I want him to experience this. I’ve been praying, we have been talking and trying but how can I help him to let go of his control and simply experience passion?
Sometimes it just takes time and trust. I think you could also talk through some super hot scenarios for you. It might help his mind open to new possibilities.
So happy that God has people like you in His body!!
So I’m the husband but I wanted to add to the following you wrote:
“ But, “What do you want?” or, “How do I fulfill your needs?”, doesn’t exactly get the heart racing. Starved for passion, we can settle for living vicariously through others. Steamy movies or romance novels provide the passion to satisfy our craving for excitement. We begin to believe the lie that passionate sex and marriage can’t coexist.”
My addition would be following and reading blogs like yours, Uncovering Intimacy, Sex Chat for Wives, To Love, Honor and Vacuum and Java with Juli to name a few. It makes me feel like we’re missing out on all God has to offer for our marriage bed. We have our 38th anniversary late next month and we’ve made progress but sometimes I feel I’ve failed in leading from the beginning. But honestly, we (I) were and still are pretty naive and admittedly I feel I was pretty selfish for years. But I have been trying to meet her needs for the last 10 years. You know “she comes first” both in and out of the marriage bed. My bride is slow to open up, so I give her space, time and have learned to be patient.
It’s a marathon and we’re sharing our life together. We’ve grown a lot and I’m confident will grow a great deal more.
I absolutely agree. Marriage is a marathon. Just keep going. Sounds like you’re doing great.
Ruth – though I get a lot out of everyone of your posts and look forward to them every week, this may be your best blog post ever. Powerful! So many implications. Thank you for your ministry and your heart.
Your Welcome
I think there are different ways. Sometimes we have conversations completely outside of the bedroom, where we share our desire to make sex amazing for both of us and we ask for ideas to make it better for our spouse. Hopefully, they will ask the same question of us and we will have an opportunity to share from our heart. You could also use a survey to open up conversations about what we want – this is part of the women’s class. But I also think that asking for what we want in the heat of the moment can be really vulnerable and exciting.
Be patient and enjoy what you have.
Honestly, I did a double-take on this one: “Passionate sex typically happens outside of marriage, not within marriage.” That is not at all my experience. Only within the trust bonds of marriage have I been able to fully express my sensuality and sexuality. And believe me, I had enough prior experience to know the difference.
Did the premarital sex feel good? Yeah, it did…and it probably looked passionate. But it was that kind of passion bred from desperation—from hoping this was enough to feel loved. I pray that we, as Christian spouses who believe God’s promises, pursue the deeper passion that you talk about regularly on this blog and in your classes. Thanks, Ruth!