Intercourse is God’s design to make what seems like an impossibility, an opportunity for growth.
Over the course of my marriage, intercourse has changed drastically from
- something that I just endured
- to something that frustrated the heck out of me
- to something that I crave- regardless of whether I reach orgasm.
Intercourse, more than any other sexual act has stretched my husband and I to talk about really hard stuff. It has forced us to not just focus on mechanics but on connection. We have thrown out every preconceived idea of what intercourse looks like and instead created something that works for us. And we have grown enormously because of it, individually and as a couple.
Many of the changes have taken place because my husband was willing to let me figure out what works for me. The surprising thing is how much my husband has enjoyed it – and not just because I am enjoying it. Somehow, we are much more relaxed and connected during intercourse and he senses it too.
So, ask your husband to let you take charge for a while, (woman on top is probably the best position) and along the way, you might just show him a whole new world.
I want to share some specific things that have made a difference for me….
Slow Down
Intercourse used to be a blur of motion, and honestly, I couldn’t feel a thing. The best advice a friend shared was to just slow down. She said, start by getting him inside of you and just be still. Allow your body to wake up and let him acclimate to a wonderful warm place and just settle in. If you have not read Rub vs Feel – read it and do the exercise using your wrist. Think about feeling your husband instead of just rubbing him. In order to do that you have to move slow – I mean really slow. You have to meld your body to his, not just penis to vagina, but every part that wants to meet. Once you start moving, you have to pay attention to your body and figure out what feels good. Slowly, intentionally find ways to rub your clitoris on him, or stimulate your vagina using his penis. The outer third of the vagina has the most nerve endings so that might mean really shallow thrusting. Positions and Movement will help you understand.
Simplify
Sometime more is not necessarily better. Yes, you can stimulate the clitoris, and the breast, and the vagina, and the lips at the same time. But every once in a while, take a step back and just focus on one area or one sensation at a time. Breath deep, relax and take it in. Be patient and allow your body to wake up, and then slowly begin leaning into what feels good. See what you can discover and how far you can ride it.
Get Medical Help
I went years with intercourse causing my vagina to burn afterwards. Not one doctor at my yearly visits ever asked how sex was going and I was too embarrassed to bring it up. Years later when I was dealing with issues due to menopause I brought up the issue and when my doctor asked how long it had been going I thought to myself, “Oh my gosh, forever!”. If intercourse is painful ask your doctor about it and keep asking until you get some answers.
Engage your Mind and all of your Senses
There are other ways to create arousal besides mechanics. When we feel connected with our spouse – that is a turn on. When we watch the way that our bodies fit together and are amazed at God’s design – that is a turn on. When we speak to each other or hear each other’s breath ramp up – that is a turn on. When we kiss like we can’t get enough – that is a turn on. When we pause and smile at each other, or communicate that we need a minute to catch up – that is a turn on. If your husband holds you with strength and looks into your eyes – that is a turn on. You see arousal is dependent on a lot more than friction
Begin to Associate his Penis with Pleasure
Take a step toward believing that intercourse can be pleasurable by using your husband’s penis to create pleasure other ways. Straddle your husband, lube yourself up and use his penis to stimulate your clitoris. Push the head all over and enjoy the sensations. Create a tunnel between your hand and your vulva for his penis to slowly pass thru. Have your husband lay on top of you with the head of his penis pressed into your clitoris. As you feel him press into you, slowly push your pelvis against him, breathe deeply, feel his body cover yours and see how aroused you can get.
Get your Body in Shape
The older I get the more I understand how important it is to keep my body in shape. Stronger Kegels mean stronger orgasms and increased chance of orgasm during intercourse. A strong body, abs, legs, butt, or back will help you move like you want to move for as long as you want. Don’t just lay there during intercourse but get involved. Move in circles, side to side, or whatever feels good.
Have a Plan B
Take the pressure off of both you during intercourse by coming up with an easy way for you to finish afterwards. If you’ve never had this conversation with your spouse, you might want to read Talk about What to get some ideas. Enjoy what you discover during intercourse instead of worrying about whether you orgasm. There are plenty of other ways to finish afterward that do not require his penis.
Pray about It
I distinctly remember one frustrating night of trying so hard to make things work during intercourse that was a turning point. In tears, I told my husband, “I can’t do this anymore,” and he held me while I prayed. I told God that I was done trying to make things work and I just gave it to Him. Whatever He had for me, I was going to enjoy. Somehow thru releasing my expectations, it freed me up to discover new things each and every time we connected. Our sex life is not something that most of us pray about, but we probably should.
My husband and I are not even close to having everything figured out, and once in a while I still struggle with expectations or frustrations. But even though it did not start out this way, intercourse is now something I thoroughly look forward to. When we come together, I feel like our thoughts meld as one even above our own pleasure. My hope and desire is that someday we might be so in tune to each other, that we don’t even know who is leading and who is following. So don’t give up, and think that because you don’t enjoy intercourse today, you won’t enjoy it down the road. Consider the challenges of intercourse an opportunity for growth and just another way that God makes you into ONE.
What have you learned that has made intercourse more enjoyable?
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Great points. I know that I love it when my love “takes” charge. I get pleasure in watching her find her rhythm and enjoying our love making. Taking it slow as our bodies meld together is intoxicating for both of us. We start out this way almost every time. Men truly need to try being slow and watch as their love reacts.
Thanks for sharing.
That my wife is truly a willing participant and very actively there in the heat of the moment and want to please me.
Wish my wife would do some of the internal thinking required–which you have evidently done–to understand how sex impacts her life, as well as mine. We’ve never gotten past the idea that I become unhappy after no sex for a long time. Then she feels guilty and acquiesces. Sex is not something she would ever think about, or consider as important to her. She does have pain, after sex goes on more than about five minutes. (Yes, we use very expensive lube–“Yes” oil based.) And no, she would never talk to her doctor.
I’d encourage those who are willing to pay attention to the above post. It’s too late for us.
Praying that God works a miracle in your wife and in your marriage.
Great post, Ruth. I see a lot of things telling women intercourse is just for men or even based in patriarchy. In truth most women want intercourse even if they never expect to climax from it. Science is starting to find some reasons for this – things that happen during intercourse that don’t happen or don’t happen as strongly during other sex acts, but the reality is this is how God made us.
Thanks Paul.
Dear Ruth, nice points. Two for me to work on are “Learn to associate her body with pleasure” and “Pray about it”. I shall have to gather my thoughts. For now I just wanted to say thank you. David
David,
Glad the article was helpful.
Ruth
I struggle with expectations and frustrations often. I used to initiate sex most of the time. My husband didn’t seem to mind. But once I started reading marriage blogs, I learned this is not how things are supposed to be. I was so embarrassed. Once I learned that the husband (at least ones that love and are attracted to their wives) do the initiating and pursuing, and wives are supposed to initiate once in a while as an exciting treat, I stopped being so pushy. We did start having less sex because my husband still isn’t a big initiator. I’ve really struggled with being woken up to the fact that he must not find me attractive enough to initiate sex more often. It hurts him that this hurts me, which is weird, because why would he care? Or if he really does care, why doesn’t he let the stress go and initiate more often?
Anyway, on a brighter note, I’ve tried getting past this, swallowing my pride and disappointments, and going back to being my previous sexual self. However, I like being on top sometimes. My husband acts like he likes it very much – but I feel like a failure. I can hardly ever bring him to climax this way. My assumption is he must not like the “view”. I’ve even tried doing lots of things he seems to like at the same time, saying sexy things to him, etc. – but still – no big finish! I’m just not good enough. He doesn’t like me to feel disappointed, but what woman can’t bring her own husband to climax? I thought men loved to just lay back and enjoy. But I’m a failure at this. So I’m thinking im either turning him off because he can see my body more fully, or I’m just really, really bad at this position. But I feel hugely disappointed in myself. No wonder he doesn’t initiate much. Im starting to think I’m being punished for desiring sex with my husband too much. Maybe not punished, but being put in my place – reminded that maybe I don’t deserve good sex with my husband as much as a better woman does.
B,
I don’t know what marriage blogs you’ve been reading but maybe you need to stop. It is a lie that a husband is supposed to initiate all the time and many men don’t. If they do, it is showing up in bed saying, “do you want to?”.I don’t know if you have read Song of Songs lately, but she is very much an equal participant in the marriage bed. She initiates, expresses herself, and creates things that she would enjoy. Good for you for enjoying sex and for having the confidence to initiate when you want to, or the two of you need to connect. In you email, you don’t mention talking to your husband about any of this. If it is important for your husband to share initiation responsibilities so that you feel wanted than you might need to set up a plan – for instance taking turns initiating within a predetermined time.
As far as Woman on Top position, if your husband acts like he likes it very much, than he does. Just because he cannot cum does not mean he does not like it or thoroughly enjoy the view. The stimulation on the man’s penis is typically not near a strong in woman on top. You might try squeezing your Kegel muscles on the outstroke to increase stimulation. Another reason he might not finish is some men need to engage their pelvis to finish, or maybe he is just trying to be a gentlemen and make sure you finish. Whatever the case, do not take it personally. It is like our husband getting his feelings hurt because we don’t cum in their favorite position even though we don’t get great stimulation. Hang onto what you enjoy and let your husband enjoy it too without any added pressure or expectations.
Hi Ruth, thank you for the reply. The blogs I read are great, and Christian, and if I comment the authors will usually say something like “well this is true in most marriages, but not in every marriage”. I get what they are saying, but it’s the “different” that bothers me. I mean, if MOST men desire sex, are attracted to their wives, and do most of the initiating, then I have to wonder, what is it about our marriage that makes it different?
I have talked with my husband about his lack of initiation. At first I may have approached it wrong, because I really wanted to know what it was about me that made him not want sex, what is it about me that he finds so ugly, so repulsive, so unworthy of pursuing romantically? He would insist and insist that he loved me so much, and he did want sex, and he did find me attractive. But I never believed him because of the almost complete lack of initiation. He’s never really given me a reason, except sometimes he’ll say something like “I really do want you, but life gets in the way.” (He’s referring to things like work, or my in laws and their issues, etc.) I feel like we should be able to push that aside for a half hour to reconnect. Anyhow, if I talk about it too much he starts to get angry. So I try not to talk too much, and I waste a lot of time reading marriage blogs, lamenting why my husband doesn’t show love the way almost every other man does, and googling ways to kill my sex drive. I’ve tried praying for God to remove the sexual desires I have towards my husband, but so far His answer has been “no”.
Things have actually gotten somewhat better. My husband is making an effort to relax more and stress less, and that has helped. But if he really loved me and found me attractive enough to be attracted to, would he really have to “try?” I kinda hate being a wife the husband has to “try” to want to be with. It is incredibly hurtful.
My husband is also very introverted. I am very extroverted. On that personality test with the four letters, we are EXACT opposites. On the rare occasions that we interact with other people as a couple (which is rare because outside of work he is not big on interacting with others, so because I like to be with my husband, I get extremely bored and lonely because we don’t really have friends and growing up I had like a thousand friends – we never get invited anywhere, ever – we live a very “at home” life, just like he did as a child – because what he wants and likes is far more important to him than what I might like.) but on those rare occasions, I get the impression he is extremely embarrassed of me. We were at a work function he HAD to attend, and a coworker said to him “you have a beautiful wife.” My husband didn’t say anything in reply. Just stared at the man and looked like he wanted to crawl into a hole in the floor. It broke my heart, seeing how humiliated and embarrased he is to have me for a wife. And he wonders why I don’t believe him when he says things to me like “you’re so beautiful.” Anybody can say that, but his reactions in public say far more than his words ever could. Anyway, I digress…
We do have a great marriage, for the most part. We work together well, handle most things as a team. I do think he loves me. I just don’t think he’s very attracted to me, sexually. And that is a HUGE part of marriage. I thought as a married couple, with that freedom and gift from God, that we’d be enjoying it far more often than once a week, and that my husband would be a lot more of the driving force behind our connections in that way.
It’s just hard having these expectations, reading all the comments from men who talk about how much they love their wives, how much they love sex with their wives, how attracted they are to their beautiful wives, and knowing my husband doesn’t feel the same way. Really, what woman wants to be “different” in that way?? And it frustrates me reading about all the women who complain that their husbands pursue them “too much”. Can’t they see how much he loves them, how blessed they are, how beautiful and worthy of love they must be?
So yeah, my expectations have made things harder for me. I guess I expected to be a normal wife with a husband who loved and desires her. I struggle with the fact that his lack of initiation = lack of desire = lack of love. He loves to say “I love you”, and honestly, sometimes it gets on my nerves, because I feel it’s just words. His lack of interest cuts like a knife. Again, he will have sex and seems kinda into it, if I initiate, but he doesn’t like it enough or desire it enough to initiate it himself. And that hurts. Because I feel like he is “giving in” or “fulfilling some marital duty” rather than loving and desiring his wife.
Oh and I can’t talk to him too much about it because then he starts to act sad. Like he’s not satisfying me. Which irritates me so much because he can totally satisfy me – I just wish he wanted to!!! I don’t think he realizes how important it is for me to feel like he is attracted to me and not “giving in” to me. But if I have to explain that to him over and over, then he’s not actually pursuing me because he loves and desires me, he’d be just doing it either because I asked, or because he’s trying to shut me up, and then it’s not real so it wouldn’t really be love and desire anyway.
B,
I don’t think there is any “normal” in sex. We are all unique as individuals and couples and we need to figure what works for the 2 of us without worrying about anyone else. I don’t think you should pray for your sex drive to change, I think you should ask God to show you how you can love your husband better. It sounds like you have a husband that loves you and hates disappointing you.
I really think it is a misnomer that every man is constantly clammering after sex. Some are, but a lot are not. But I do understand the need to feel “wanted”. My husband and I actually went through this. I ended up striking a deal with him where we agreed to take turns initiating within a certain amount of time. I was worried my husband would find it controlling, but he actually found it freeing because he know longer had to wonder if I wanted sex. As part of the deal we vowed to not turn each other down. After a while the deal was no longer necessary because we just both got comfortable initiating.Hope this helps.
Ruth
I absolutely love when my wife is on top! The view is amazing and it is reassuring to me that she is engaged in lovemaking, not just lying in a passive position. However, it is more difficult to finish in that position, which is okay, because the thrusting, angles and rhythms are not the same as typical missionary position. Both positions are incredible in their own ways. Don’t give up. You are not a failure, and you absolutely deserve good sex with your husband. There are no qualifications in Scripture as to who deserves good sex with her husband and who does not. True repentance at the cross of Jesus removes all sin, shame and guilt. The enemy tells us otherwise. Praying that you will embrace God’s design for you, free of shame; and for your husband that he will awaken to the gift you are to him and learn how to love and cherish you in and out of the bedrooom.
Bryan, thanks for taking the time to reply and share a man’s point of view.
And thanks for the prayer. I’ll admit I have a very hard time accepting, let alone embracing, God’s design for me. I know God doesn’t make mistakes, so my feelings make me feel like a rotten Christian. I should probably spend a lot more time in prayer.
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