Wives commonly use freebies to serve their husbands. When we aren’t physically available because of our period, pregnancy or a physical challenge we offer manual or oral stimulation. Some wives give freebies because they think it will be fun to focus their full attention on their husbands. Void of the distractions of worrying about their own orgasm or performance we lavish our husband with love. Giving our husbands freebies might even become a regular way to navigate a difference in drives. When we think of giving a freebie, most people think in terms of a wife giving her husband oral, manual sex, or maybe even intercourse, with no expectation in return.
Switching Roles
But how many husbands give their wife freebies? Besides older men, few husbands have even considered the idea. Younger couples can think it impossible or pointless. Even when the wife has the higher drive, you don’t typically hear about a husband treating his wife to a freebie.
But exchanging roles can help us learn so much about our spouse and what sex feels like for them. So, what can we learn from a husband giving his wife a freebie?
Previously I wrote an article titled Freebie for Her that talks about why a husband should try giving his wife a freebie. Some of the reasons include focusing all of his attention on her without getting distracted. Or going without an orgasm can also help a husband to understand how frustrated she can feel when she is left hanging. A husband might also realize how enjoyable and connecting sex can feel even without a climax. Giving her a freebie will teach husbands many things about sex.
What Wives Can Learn
But giving a freebie to your wife will also help her understand and believe important things. When you give your wife a freebie, you show her with your actions that her enjoyment is as important as your own. Your wife starts actually believing that God created sex for her as much as for you, and then her entire mindset changes.
When I wrote the original article Freebie for Her, a couple of men pushed back saying that maybe an older husband might give his wife a freebie, but surely not a young man with a higher drive. Why torture the young dad, that already isn’t getting much sex? Why shouldn’t a husband finish, when it is no extra work for his wife?
Real Life Experience
Recently I had a young mom share about her experience of receiving a freebie. Without her knowledge, her young husband had decided to take on the challenge and treat his wife to a freebie. Afterwards she felt terrible for him, riddled with guilt for his discomfort and sacrificial love.
As we processed together, I hoped this young wife learned some things about her husband. He chose to give her a freebie because he loved her sacrificially and was willing to try something different. He cared as much about her pleasure as his own, even to the point of being a little uncomfortable. How many times have wives experienced a little discomfort in order to let their husband enjoy sex? Why do we think our husbands incapable of the same?
Hopefully when this young husband gave his wife a freebie, she learned that he won’t explode if gets an erection and doesn’t finish. When wives believe that our husband needs a release every time he gets an erection, then we start avoiding all the things that create connection. We avoid kissing, cuddling and letting him visually enjoy us for fear of leading him on. When we understand erections don’t have to lead to sex than we remove expectations and pressure and that can lead to more connection.
The Importance of Joining In
As I pondered how much it bothered this young woman to receive a freebie, I wondered what husbands feel like when they constantly receive freebies from their wife. How many times do their wives serve them, when what they really want is for them to join in? Do we understand how lonely freebies can feel as we refuse to let our husband pleasure us?
Many women would rather serve their husband then receive? Isn’t it important that we learn to do both? Shouldn’t your husband also experience the joy of giving.
If you have never taken on the challenge of giving your wife a freebie, I challenge you to try it and see what you can learn
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Agreed 1000%
I have it so drilled into my head that it is cruel to leave a guy hanging like that. Especially when it takes me so long and only takes him a few minutes. But I would love this so much.
Ruth,
I really appreciated the thought and message behind this article. I know as a wife I struggle with receiving. Oh sure, I can give – that part is easy for me. I give to my husband emotionally, physically, intimately. I give to my children through being a good mother to them. I give to my friends, co-workers, and even strangers sometimes. But rarely, am I truly able to recieve without feeling the need to immediately reciprocate. In sex, the urge is just as strong, and I don’t blame my husband for not doing this. I am the one who really has to stop giving/taking charge/being in control/mothering/giving and just STOP and receive what he wants to share with me.
I remember one time a few months ago, he did just what you mentioned. No, he didn’t explode or fall apart, but as we cuddled afterwards my heart grew a few sizes (LOL, kind of like the Grinch after Who’sville is saved). It made me appreciate his love so much more that I wanted to be in his presence. Not in a “I have to take care of him mode”, but simply enjoying the bliss of the moment.
Thank you for this beautiful reminder! Johanna
Thanks for sharing about your experience.
Ruth
Ruth,
Great article! Why is this pretty much unheard of, but oral for him unreciprocated is considered the norm?
Thanks for your thoughts!
My wife’s cycles came back and we dont want pregnancy yet, so she can heal up more. However, I finally understood that abstaining actually only applies to me. As I expected, my wife was initially against the idea of ‘lovemaking’ that was only about her. Plus the experience of making love to my wife while keeping my shorts securely fastened, and lovingly declining all temptations or ‘requests’ to traditionally participate was… well, like an awakening.
We discussed it afterwards, especially the part where we had been incorrectly taught that it was bad or sinful not to finish ‘traditionally’ right after. The whole experience was eye opening. Shaking off ridiculous notions of ‘proper lovemaking’ and trusting God to lead us. Intending to deny myself, and honestly, going into it solely for her sake was a very sacred experience. I didn’t expect it to end so satisfying, for me anyway. I stupidly thought I’d only get pleasure from my overblown pride of being soooo selfless and sacrificial, really still making it about me. None of that happened though. I went to bed feeling like I gained more than I deserved from the whole thing, and having my wife still explaining how badly she wanted to attack my shorts made for a completely new experience. To be craved like that, to hear and see her desire me almost uncontrollably, and to experience that solely by making her the full and single focus of my attention, was almost heart wrenching. 13 years I have never allowed it to be only and entirely about her.
Final thoughts:
“I’m a broken man, and avoiding anything I’ve seen in porn in my marriage leaves… well, nothing. Instead I think we are transforming marital intimacy into something porn and past experiences can’t touch, something new and sacred.
I see only two options. You either avoid it, or you participate in something entirely different
Its like a previous rape victim getting married and truly being a virgin bride for her spouse. It can happen for us who have made mistakes, it has to happen. There is no real healing otherwise.”
I am very grateful to you Ruth, and beg all who read this article, Husband or Wife, to heed the words lovingly. You really dont know what you dont know, until you are willing to learn…
Thank you for sharing about your experience so beautifully.