Learning to Dance as One

“We danced last night”, were the first words that she whispered to her husband as she awoke.

In a way, it had seemed like a dream.

The movement of bodies, not in unison, but in symphony. Not one doing the other, but oneness.

In Genesis 2:24 it says “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.”

What if “become” is not a one time thing, but a lifetime thing. Maybe “become one flesh” is not just what happens when we get married or every time we have sex. What if “become one flesh” is this endless journey of being made into one by God.

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The Challenges of Enjoying Oral Sex

Oral sex can be one of the sweetest ways for your husband to pleasure you but it has it’s own challenges.

Song of Songs 4:16

Awake, north wind, and come south wind!

Blow on my garden that its fragrance may spread abroad.

Let my love come into his garden and taste its choice fruits

fruit

One of the most intimate ways you can allow your husband to “know you”, is through oral sex. Your husband will see, feel, and even taste you in ways that he has never experienced before.  If you surrender and allow yourself to just receive from you husband, you will experience some of the most delicious orgasms possible.

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A Window into Intimacy

 Intimacy is always about our relationship with God – it is a mirror

When I started really wrestling with what God wants for me and my marriage bed, this verse rocked my world.

Ephesians 5:31-32 –For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church.

Becoming One in marriage is a picture of intimacy with Christ.

Intimacy in Marriage

This verse gave me a frame work to start measuring what I believed about sex. I began comparing all of my ideas about sex, against my relationship with God, and it turned a lot of things up side down. I soon realized, just because something is our natural tendency, doesn’t mean that’s how God wants things to stay. He wants us to stretch and grow and that takes trusting him. I’ve written a bunch or articles based on this concept in the Mirror of Intimacy Category but a couple of ideas that immediately come to mind are…

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Sex – Much More Than Intercourse

Sex is much more than intercourse – it is seeing each other naked and unashamed, it is joining two into one and it is a holy communion with God

Song of Songs is filled with every delight imaginable. They connect through the smell of each other’s bodies. Words spoken create excitement and passion calling for release. Mouths taste sweetness that drip with honey and kisses taste sweeter than wine. Eyes enjoy the pleasure of God’s creation dancing for their delight. Arms hold and caress and summon, “Come with me”. This couple uses every sense that God gave them to enjoy their lover.

We need to open up our definition of what sex is beyond “Penis in Vagina” intercourse. God gave us amazing freedom to enjoy in marriage. Is it possible that when we are beyond physical exhaustion, just laying skin to skin, provides the refreshment we need? Are we missing out on what God has for us because we limit what we can enjoy? Even as we age and our bodies change, can we step into discovering something new that provides intimate connection?

But sex goes even beyond physical connection, because somehow intimacy with our spouse teaches us about God. Surrendering, trusting, letting go – isn’t that what God wants from us? Is there something Holy that happens when we surrender – even for a moment. Does sex glorify God as we step into intimacy? Do we somehow meet Him there?

Sex is more than intercourse. Most of us know it in our heads, but do you know it in our heart and our soul?

Marriage is Not Supposed to Get Boring

God wants us to experience so much more – marriage is not supposed to get boring.

It is a lie from Satan that marriage is supposed to get boring. He tricks us into settling and believing this just happens to marriage. We give up, get busy, stop intimately connecting and settle for boring or non-existent sex.

Proverbs 5:18 -19 says, Rejoice in the wife of your youth… Let her breasts satisfy you always. May you always be captivated be her love.

God gave us sex to keep marriage vibrant.

When my husband and I retreat together to our marriage bed, our world opens up to wonder. We experience deep intimacy that get sweeter and sweeter. Side by side we discover things about each other that no one else knows. Sometimes we laugh and play while other times my husband holds me in sweet embraces that feed my soul. Working on our sex life has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. It has required that I allow myself to feel and share from the core of my being, but it has been so worth it. Sex changed my marriage and it forced us to dig deep, become dependent on God, and discover more of His goodness.

A great marriage and sex life does not just happen.

Satan will do everything he can to divide your marriage and one of his most powerful weapons is to distort sex. If you want to have a great marriage, then do the hard work of figuring out what God wants for your sex life. Go after it, trusting God, giving your spouse the benefit of the doubt and taking small steps toward freedom. Be intentional to spend time together, create a safe environment to be known, save energy for each other, and bring God into your marriage bed.

 

Surrender to Pleasure

We’ve all talked about how we love variety, something just a little different than the same old, same old. Here’s something that you can do to create variety that is so simple and yet can create a very different vibe. On a night when my husband is taking the lead,  I love to lay back and stretch my arms up above my head, and gently clasp my hands together.

Sensitive Spots

Putting your arms up opens up all those delicious sensitive spots that don’t typically receive much touch. The curves where one body part meets another body part can be magical: insides of elbows, arms to torso, breast to chest. They are wonderful erogenous zones that deserve much more attention than they normally receive.

Tension

It also creates this wonderful tension through the stretching of our bodies. With our arms lifted up, our breath is felt in the gentle expansion of our rib cage as we breath in and out. You are suddenly aware of a whole new dimension of being alive.

Surrender

It is also a position of surrender. Surrender to our husbands touch, surrender to our bodies desires, surrender to whatever God would have us experience. It is putting into practice surrendering.

So this week,  Surrender to Pleasure. Put your arms up, and experience something new.

Originally Published as Put Your Arms Up on May 7, 2014

Sex Must Be Measured Against God’s Design

I’ve read a ton of books filled with different opinions about sex, but the only way I can tell what is good and right, is to measure everything against God’s design. God created sex to get to know each other, to comfort one another, to pleasure and refresh each other, and to make the two of you into one.

Getting to Know Each Other

Are you on a journey of getting to know each other – not just physically, but emotional and spiritually? Have you brought other things into your marriage bed, or is it just the two of you? Are you present during sex – mind, body and soul – or is your mind filled with worry, anxiety or pictures of others? Have you settled into a routine or are you still learning new things? Begin a journey of getting to know each other.

Comfort and Refreshment

Does sex comfort and refresh you or does it feel like one more thing to suck the life out of you? God never intended that sex become a duty. What lie have you believed about sex or about your spouse? Are you serving each other or is sex about what you can take for yourself. Sex is supposed to be this amazing gift that refreshes us and refreshes our spouse.

Pleasure

Is sex pleasurable for both or you? Women’s bodies are very different then men’s but they are capable of experiencing as much pleasure as a man. Educate yourself and discover what works for both of you. Become a lifelong learner that asks and wants to learn more. Communicate freely about your needs and allow yourself to enter into freedom.

God gave us sex to strengthen marriages but we need understand God’s design for sex and we need to live it.

Sex is a Powerful Gift from God – It is unexplainable

Sex is a powerful gift from God that connects us in ways that are unexplainable.

I don’t understand how it happens, but sex connects me to my husband in ways that are unexplainable.  When words don’t work and we can’t seem to get on the same page, sex softens us. When busyness takes over our life, sex reconnects us faster than anything else. After sex, I feel like I can hear my husband better and understand his heart. I can’t put words to what sex does, but it changes things.

When my husband and I had 4 young kids I would often shrug off his advances because I was so tired. Sometimes he would lovingly hold me as we drifted off to sleep. Other times, my husband would patiently bring me along by rubbing my back or gently tickling my skin. As I softened and my defenses weakened he would pleasure me and we would make love. I remember vividly thinking afterward, “I so needed that.”

Is it possible that when sex is totally off our radar, that is when we need sex the most? Is it possible when your husband reaches for you, he doesn’t just need a release, but he is tapping into God’s power to reconnect you through sex. Is it possible that that sex says things that words cannot.

God gave us the powerful gift of sex to connect us even when we don’t know how to reconnect on our own.

Learn to Trust

In order to experience the kind of freedom that leads to great sex, we must feel absolutely safe. Sex is this amazing journey of revealing the most intimate parts of our mind, body and soul. It can be terrifying and thrilling at the same time. We must trust ourselves enough to let our bodies lead us, and trust our spouse enough to let them see us.

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Are You Listening to Your Body?

Do you listen to your body when you are making love? Do you hear it telling you, “oh my gosh, that feels so good”, “I want more of that”, or “touch my ______”.  Staying connected to what our body enjoys and following it where it takes us is one of the ways that sex remains fresh and new every time. But a lot of things can get in the way.

Beware of Automatic

Sometimes we just begin to do life on automatic. We fail to notice or enjoy the small pleasures that God gives us. Kissing our husbands when we greet becomes an automatic response and we aren’t even present. We are thinking about the day ahead of us and our “to do” list. But if we disengage from life, and actually feel him, and smell him and awaken our bodies to what we love, we can make a connection. It doesn’t really take any more time, it is just a different mindset.

We can also get into the rut of making love on automatic. We get our routine down to a science, and figure out what works. We miss wonderful detours that our body is taking us on. Don’t be afraid to let your husband know what your body is asking for or what it is enjoying.  It is part of revealing who you are.  Sex stays fresh because it is a constant window into our spouse and ourselves. It is God’s design that we “know” each other thru sex.It is in revealing what our bodies love that we “know” each other.

Also, beware of becoming a spectator. Our mind can get distracted if we worry about whether he’s touching us right, or whether we will have an orgasm, or whether he will last long enough, or if he’s getting tired. It is like being a photographer at a family reunion, focusing on getting the right shot, and the lighting and the background. And when it is over, we realize that we really didn’t connect at all, we totally missed the reunion. Stop watching and start feeling.

So your mission this week is to listen to what your body loves, enjoy it, follow it, share it with your husband, and see where it takes you.

Originally published as What DO You Love on March 19, 2014