Romance movies feed on a woman’s God given desire for a husband to lead in the bedroom and leave us disillusioned when our sex life doesn’t live up to our expectations. Creating an awesome sex life is hard work and our husband has the hardest job in the world. Learning to confidently lead a complicated, finicky woman that has a body and needs so different than their own is like trying to solve a rubics cube while blind folded. Husband’s spend years guarding their eyes, trying to be gentle, and putting our needs ahead of theirs and then all of a sudden we expect them to be a passionate lover that feasts their eyes on us and takes us against the wall the moment we get home from a hot date. YIKES!
Ladies, we had better step up and help with this one because we have been yanking our husband’s chain around for too long. If you want your husband to lead in the bedroom, you need to take ownership for all the ways you have discouraged him. Communicate your desire for him to lead and your resolve to do things different. Give him permission to go after what he wants rather than always putting you first. You have to own your finickiness and let him off the hook. And you have to affirm his God given qualities and assure him that you absolutely trust him.
Communication
Great sex is built on communication, and not just what isn’t working. Spend time outside of the bedroom sharing fun scenarios and ideas. Share what turns you on and why. During sex say things like
- I love it when you…
- It makes me hot when…
- You are so…
Not only do you need to communicate how your body works but you need to communicate what turns you on. What do you need to hear? What do you need to see? How do you need to be held?
Expand His Repertoire
Your husband needs a huge set of plays so that he can adjust to meet your needs in different situations. You have to show your husband different things that you might like. Manual sex can feel very different depending on whether you are Wrapped Up, Woven Together or Up Close and Personal. Help him expand his repertoire by showing him different positions to hold you, touch you, and connect with you. If you need some ideas check out the Positions Category on our blog.
Connect Sex to Emotions
Sex is not just for pleasure but is supposed to represent who we are at that moment in time. Begin helping your husband understand how to hold you when you feel insecure. Help him understand how sex plays out when you are confident. Show him how to love you when you are sad. Treat him to sex when you are feeling playful. Share where you are that night, and help your husband learn how to play out emotions during sex.
Take your Turn
One of the best ways to show your husband what it means to lead is to take the lead yourself. Surprise him like you would want to be surprised. Tease him like you would want to be teased. Take charge, have a plan, assure him that you’ve got this and then do it like you mean it.Spend time afterward talking through why it was so hot for you, and what you would love.
Give Him Ideas and Permission
If you have specific ideas of a sex scenario that you would like to have play out, you may need to have a conversation with your husband in advance. In fact you might need to have several conversations in order to communicate what you want and that you really want it. A loving husband that has spent his life being kind, considerate and gentle may take a little convincing that you really want what you want. If it turns you on to have your husband Take You to the Wall, or splay you out while holding your hands above your head, or ask you to watch, then you might have to communicate why. What does this represent to you? Why does it turn you on? Communicate your trust and your desire to be fully surrendered.
Let Him Off the Hook
Our bodies are finicky depending on the time of month, how our day went, how many kids slobbered on us, or our insecurity for the day. Our husband can start to feel more and more unsure of themselves which makes us feel even worse. Reassure your husband that he is not doing anything wrong, you’re just having trouble. Ask him to help you get back on board by not giving up on you and instead try a different path.
Affirm your Husband
Affirm your husband when he discovers something new about you. Praise him when he becomes bolder with his words. Affirm him when he holds you with steady, firm hands. Thank him when he notices something you don’t like and tries another path. Thank him when he tries something new. Affirm him as he becomes more confident and resilient in adapting to the situation. Affirm him when he doesn’t give up on you. Encourage him when you sense he is more present and connected to you. The best thing that you can do to influence growth in your husband is to encourage him in every small step he takes in the right direction.
My husband and I have grown tremendously in our sex life. It is hard work but it is so worth it. Don’t settle. God wants you to have an amazing sex life.
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I wish you were around 50 years ago when we were first married. We were raised very conservative Christians and were dumb as posts. We learned a little by experimentation, but we are not very creative. Sex does take a lot of work to learn and discover about the other. We have learned tons the last years and a half. From 25 years of a sexless marriage to sex every day, it is so much better. However, I read of the great amount of activities that we have not even thought of yet, and i regret the years we lost. I encourage young married now to be open and to have as much fun in their marriage bed as possible. For us, we are older, have arthritis, joints that don’t work, positions we cannot get into, taboos that are ingrained, Biblical interpretations that eliminate fun sex, etc. Now, we are growing in our sex life, but we don’t have enough time left to do all that I would like to do. Sad about that. Keep giving your counsel, and I hope the younger married will learn and grow by your messages.
This is definitely important: good communication. (And, that works both ways as husbands also need to communicate more to their wife as to their needs.) Letting her husband know what works well and what does not, what she likes/prefers, etc. certainly helps him.
When the wife takes the lead in the bedroom, that can be very gratifying to her husband as her sexual confidence is a psychological or emotional turn-on for him, Greater communication and confidence can lead to growth in the sexual relationship.
Thank you, Ruth, for your inspiring and blessed articles.
We look forward to every time that comes an article from you. God bless you and your family.