I often write about the importance of connecting during sex, yet for most of us connection does not come easily or naturally. Though God intended we “know” each other through sex, many of us have no idea how to connect. We go through the motions, do what we can to make sex orgasmic and settle for a small taste of what God wants for us. The first step towards change is an awareness of what’s impacting our life that makes it hard to connect. Let me share four possible reasons why people don’t connect during sex to help you discover how to grow.
Cruise Control
If you’ve ever read a book on how to become orgasmic, many experts suggest a method called Sensate Focus developed by Masters and Johnson. Basically, while you receive pleasure, you relax, block out everything else and just focus on what your body feels. As you tune into your own pleasure, and shift into cruise control, you also tune out any distractions, including your spouse.
Though Sensate Focus might help a person learn to orgasm, it totally misses out on the power of connection. Rather than tuning out your spouse, can your awareness of them loving you, watching you or getting turned on by you add to your arousal instead of create distraction?
Men get used to shifting into cruise control when they masturbate. Taking the most direct route they learn to chase after their own pleasure with laser focus. Instead of learning to discover, linger, or feel someone’s energy, they slide into cruise control on the road to nirvana. Slowing down enough so that your spouse can join you on that road will require growth. Every once in a while stop and ask yourself, where is my spouse? Try keeping your eyes open during sex or kissing.
Carrying the Load
You might feel responsible for making sex wonderful for your spouse. Or maybe you worry about how you look, or sound. When you spend all your time evaluating what you should do next, worrying about your performance, or concerned for your spouse’s enjoyment, you act a spectator. Instead of enjoying the moment, you anxiously watch, critique and evaluate. Rather that feeling your spouse’s touch, your mind plans your next move, or worries about how you look.
Great sex happens when two confident people show up, have the courage to communicate what they desire and share that experience with their spouse. Adding pressure and carrying the load for someone else is a recipe for disaster and leads to spectatoring.
If you want to connect during sex, then remove pressure and expectations from yourself and learn how to “be” instead of “do”. Get out of your head and experience your spouse with your senses. When was the last time you smelled your spouse during sex? Have you noticed how their breathing changes when they relax, or when arousal ramps up?
You cannot carry the load and be present during sex. Let your self off the hook and show up.
Shifting Gears
During A-L Men’s Edition one of the men said, “I have a hard time even relating sex to intimacy. They are two separate things. Before I was married, I bought into the world’s view of sex. My goal was to get as much sex as I could.” After treating sex simply as a physical commodity, how could he attach love and intimacy without facing his past. Until he faced the fact that he spent years using women, and discarding them for his own pleasure, he could not attach sex to intimacy.
Women that have experienced sexually abuse often disassociate during sex. How can this thing that caused them great pain also communicate love from their husband?
If we want to connect during sex, then we have to face our past. If we have been abused we have to seek healing and render how something so hurtful could be loving with our spouse. If we have used others, then we will have to face our own brokenness. Until we feel the depth of hurt we have caused we cannot experience the depth of connection during sex. We must repent and ask forgiven for what we have done. Rather than just receive God’s forgiveness, we must forgive ourselves, so that we can allow ourselves to feel during sex.
Facing our past takes courage, but God offers grace and healing and forgiveness. He wants you to experience sex as this amazing connection with your spouse. Don’t settle for less. Seek counseling and healing.
Out of Touch
Some people just seem stiff as a board, stoic, unemotional, and with clubs for hands. Raised not to cry, they are trained to keep a stiff upper lip, and work hard. Their arms don’t know how to wrap you up in warmth, because they are too busy trying to fix you.
Though God created each one of us unique, I believe He created us in His image. God is a God that is passionate, loves dancing, and holds our tears. We can learn new things, and we can unlearn what our past taught us. We can learn to slow down and savor our meal rather than just scarf it down. We can learn to relax and spend time “smelling the roses.” We might even take a dance class to loosen up our hips. You can learn to feel.
Sometimes we know how to feel and move, but we are afraid to express ourselves. Purity messages might have limited your sensuality or freedom. The shame of promiscuity before marriage might have caused you to leave passion and freedom in the past. Struggling to contain fantasies of what you want. you secretly stew, hoping a kind gentle spouse will wake up and rescue you from the monotony. Not matter your situation, God wants you toe enjoy freedom in your marriage bed.
God created you and gave you an amazing body to move and moan and grasp and even scream. Unlock the power of your God given sensuality. Come out of hiding and show yourself.
Final Thoughts
Sex has dramatically changed since my husband and I have shifted the focus from mechanics to connection. We linger, explore, look into each others eyes and call each other back towards connection with our words. We are less anxious, more fluid and more in touch with our senses. Not only has connecting made sex better, but it has helped us understand how to connect with God. No matter what challenge you face in connecting with your spouse, God has the answer and He has something for you to learn.
The Author
This is a nice article and very good point! I would sum it up by saying leave the tools in the garage and “paint a picture together…” And a very good reminder to focus on each other.
Love it! Thanks for the wrap up!
Yet again, beautiful. There really is hope for us all. Thank you so much, Ruth, for sharing from your heart. You make so much sense especially when you contrast connection with the mechanics of sex. My wife has described sex as weird and I feel I can use some of these words to try to adjust her thinking. Crazy after nearly 3 decades of marriage. You’d think we would ‘get it’ by now. God bless you.
I love what you said about sensuality and freedom being limited by purity messages. In my own marriage, I often felt that way , but we are breaking through! A good example is that I really like ” aggressive” sex, and we are starting to incorporate that- perhaps that’s even a specific topic you could address!
Praying that you continue to experience freedom and break through.
Excited to read about others breaking through. We are not to that point yet, but hope to be soon. I think true freedom to explore desires is essential. Praying for you Bella!
An excellent article. I cannot tell you how refreshing it is to read an article that proudly proclaims the Divine Name as well as treats sex with the respect it deserves. Your point about sexual abuse victims and promiscuity was particularly powerful.