Giving Up on the Good Girl
Disclaimer: This article is not for men to give to their wives in hopes that they will let go of the “good girl” attitude. Our blog primarily exists for women to find information on how to be free in their affections towards their husband, and while husbands may very well find the information here helpful, please use this to simply understand what your wife might be dealing with and pray that God would make you sensitive to her wounded or deceived heart. This article is for women like myself who love how God made them as sexual partners for their husbands and have battled with giving up the good girl that they were raised to be.
I grew up believing that until I was married, my sexuality was a bad thing. I didn’t have a good example in my parents of a loving relationship so although I began hearing messages in high school like “sex is worth waiting for” I had no grid to apply that to. I was a compliant child so I readily accepted all the teaching I heard about sex that I viewed as being from God. I was a good girl, and good girls weren’t naughty about sex. Good girls would save themselves for marriage and then have good sex once they were married. Problem — I had no idea what good sex was and I had a web of false beliefs about sex that has made it very hard to fully embrace my sexuality until more recent years. And yet still, this good girl mentality sometimes rises up to try to rob me of my joy and freedom. I’d like to share some of the things that I have learned that have been helping me in my journey.
To begin with, it is important to repent for accepting and believing wrong thinking about sex. Whether or not it was intentional, we still need to repent of taking and holding on to those lies. Then we need to ask the Lord to replace each lie with His truth. Be specific. Do you know in your head that certain acts are OK, but you just feel bad doing them? Do you have memories of specific things you were told, that you now know to be untrue? Did you get negative teaching from your parents? Friends? Church? Ask God to reveal the lies and then deal with each thing He brings to you. Ask Him to give you His perspective on your sexuality. Ask Him to seal His truth in your heart and to continue setting you free.
A short while back I wrote an article entitled The Importance of Thinking Sex. This has been another important factor in letting go of the good girl. Your brain is an important sex organ. It was in your brain that you began hanging onto the lie that good girls don’t, and it is in your brain that you will learn to embrace the truth that good girls do. Good girls grow into wives who possess incredible power to give and receive sexual pleasure. So use your brain to your advantage. Write erotic stories about you and your husband. Fantasize about sexual scenarios between you and your husband. Plan out ways to seduce your husband. Use your imagination to your advantage in your desire to let go of the belief that you can not be both a worshiper of God and a woman who enjoys sex. It may be especially helpful if you use some of the acts that cause this good girl thing to rise up in your fantasies about your husband.
There comes a point where you find yourself being challenged to continue acting in accordance with the previous mindset. Often you are so used to living from those lies that it feels strange to live from the truth you have received. Sometimes you will need to step out and try things that haven’t seemed natural. This isn’t likely to be a smooth continuous movement towards perfection. It’s far more common for it to be like two steps forward, one step back. You are going to try things and some of them will feel great and some with feel strange. Throughout this process, continue praying and try to take a relaxed attitude. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself.
Another factor in all of this is that you need to be able to communicate well with your husband. Between the two of you there needs to be a willingness to be honest and encouraging. What do you need from your husband? What does he need from you? What are your emotional needs? What are your physical needs, sexually and otherwise? What can your husband do to show you love? What can your husband do to show you that he accepts you? Being respectfully honest with one another will allow you to feel safe as you embrace your sexuality. Your husband may be overwhelmed by your growing eagerness for sex, or he may be overly zealous in the excitement of you beginning to show signs of enjoying sex. In either case, communication is very important in helping the two of you transition through this time.
Why is it important to let go of the good girl? Well, for our husbands, we are the only legitimate sexual release they have. Personally, I want to be the best I can be. I want him to feel blessed to have a wife who loves having sex with him. I want him to have the confidence that comes from being sexually satisfied. For you, you are going to find a lot more security in your marriage if you embrace intimacy and pleasure. The more you and your husband are connected in your hearts, the more safe you will feel and that is part of what sex does for us. The good girl mentality usually keeps us from trying new things and enjoying our sexuality.
So enjoy and embrace who God has made you. Have fun with your husband and don’t let wrong thinking rob you of anything God has for you.