One of the questions I ask when I teach Awaken-Love is “How did you first learn about sex? Not just how babies are made, but sex?”
Some of the more common answers I hear are:
- On the bus
- From friends
- From romance movies, books or magazines
- My mom handed me a book
- My parents sat me down for an awkward talk
But every once in a while – a woman shares that even though she doesn’t remember a specific talk, she knew that her parents thoroughly enjoyed sex and it was a great part of their marriage. Conversation about bodies and sex were open. Nothing felt embarrassing, dirty, or secretive. There was no talk, just conversation.
These same women were confident enough to remain pure, even though many of them dated their future husband for years. And these same women, easily transitioned to figuring out sex and thoroughly enjoying it within marriage.
Talking to our kids about sex is important . But more importantly we must figure out sex for ourselves. We cannot talk to our kids about how awesome sex is within marriage, if it is not awesome for us.
Figure it out yourself
We all have lies about men, women, or sex, that we have bought into from the culture. You have to look to God’s word to know His intention and truth. For example, don’t assume that sex is not important to women because we constantly hear how important it is to men. What does God’s word say?
We also carry lots of baggage – especially women. Don’t use your baggage as an excuse for not changing. God can and will heal you from anything, but will you receive it? God wants you to live in freedom, but it is up to you.
Take the time to figure sex out. Read some good Christian books on sex. Read Song of Songs, or do an Awaken-Love study and ask God for answers. You, your marriage and your kids are worth it. The first step to communicate to your kids about sex is pursuing God’s best for your marriage.
Start talking to your spouse
If you cannot talk to your spouse about sex, how the heck can you talk to your kids? Can you talk to your spouse about your past, your desires, or your body? Do you feel embarrassed, uncomfortable or defensive? Can you say medical terms and slang terms for sexual anatomy and for different sex acts without sounding embarrassed? We need to get to the point where talking about sex sounds like everyday conversation. In fact, we need to enjoy talking about sex. Because it is amazing and it is a gift from God.
Equal Opportunity
Both mom and dad need to get involved in the conversation. Daughters need to hear from their dad how beautiful they are and that they are worth the wait. Sons need to hear from their mom how much it means to them when their dad keeps his eyes pure. Daughters need to hear from moms about their own experiences of having their heart broken. She can communicate the importance of depending on God, not a boy for their worth. Boys need to hear from their dads the challenges of a changing body. He can share that real men protect women. Share the privilege of speaking God’s truth to your kids and insight into how great God’s design is for our lives.
Embrace every opportunity
When our kids are curious and comfortable talking about sex, we think they are too young. By the time we think we should talk to them about sex, they feel embarrassed. Do we teach our kids to be embarrassed about sex or do we just miss an opportunity? We need to embrace every opportunity to talk about sex. From the time they are young and curious about how babies are made or the difference between boys and girls bodies, have conversation in age appropriate ways using real terminology and names. It is never too early to talk to your kids. Make it a natural conversation that is as ordinary as talking about why some people have red hair and some have black.
One of the books my mom read to me and that I read to my kids was “How Babies are Made” by Andry and Schepp. It is a story book written in 1968 that uses cutout pictures with proper anatomical terms to describe how babies are made – from making a flower, to a chick, to a puppy to a baby. I remember reading the book to my kids at bedtime when they were just toddlers and they were mesmerized. There was no discomfort or awkwardness; we were just reading another story about life.
Look for opportunities to speak God’s truth to your kids about sex at every age, whether it is discussing the latest news, what they see on TV, or the struggles of a single person living in a sex filled world. The world is screaming lies to your kids about sex and we have to speak the truth with love and compassion.
Wednesday I will share some tips with your kids about sex….
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Josh & Dottie McDowell’s book “Straight Talk with your Kids about Sex” is another great resource.
Thanks for this post. This is so vitally important! Parents still have much influence with their children, peer pressure notwithstanding. Parents have to make the effort to instruct their children on sex and marriage.
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The issue of sex is everywhere and it’s only going to happen. They’re going to find out about it somehow and might I add the methods they’re going to often find out isn’t going to be appropriate. It’s also not a bad idea that it’s better to have such an awkward discussion somewhere private, discrete and safe. I’ll acknowledge I never really had the sex talk when I was young or not to a big degree anyway. The only sex education one gets in the class room is more about how babies are made the issue of wet dreams and STD’S. So often there’s a level of confusion as everyone has their own views about what’s okay and what’s not okay. As is often true, body language and facial expression as well as eye contact are important things. In my theory it’s better for girls to talk the talk with their mother, auntie or a female adult friend or relative where as boys often have the talk with their father or a male role model. But my views here are probably my own and everybody’s different and will believe differently.
It is easy to think that the conversation should come from the same sex parent, but it is important to get both parents involved. In fact, I just talked to someone recently that did have great conversations with their daughters, and the father took a very active role. Thanks for your comment.
Yes! Both parents ought to be involved with the conversations about sex. Fathers can be very helpful to their daughters in this area. When both parents take an active interest in discussing sex with their children, it shows their children they are both interested and both committed to instructing and helping their children. Then, when a child has a concern, problem, issue, etc., he or she feels free to seek either parent for help. Every family is different. For some boys, they are more comfortable and less afraid to talk with their mother. For some girls, they are more willing to open up to and listen to their fathers.
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