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Ruth Buezis

Why Share your Sexual Baggage

A profound change happens during week 3 of  Awaken-Love, as we take turns sharing baggage that has impacted our marriage. I ask the women to share whatever they like, large or small, but to focus on how the baggage has impacted them or their marriage bed.

We share our baggage for several reasons…

Sharing our stories helps us to realize we are not alone. Every woman in the room has something that has impacted her marriage bed. Stories of shame or pain are received with grace and love. Stories of bad messages are greeted with nods that know and understand.  Women recognize their own story in each other. Even though the details of our lives are different, we have much in common.

Healing comes from sharing hurts and sins with one another.

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Thirst

God created us to thirst. He gave us a drive that causes us to reach for something that will truly satisfy. When we reach for all kinds of other things that distract us, our thirst doesn’t go away. It continues to drive us toward what we really need, toward what God wants for us.

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Is Giving Oral Sex to Your Husband Arousing for You?

Men love oral sex but I think their enjoyment is amplified multiple times when we enjoy it too – and I don’t just mean because we like to give them oral sex. I mean we enjoy it – like it turns us on and it arouses us. When we can orgasm while giving them oral sex – well that might just be one of their ultimate enjoyments.  So how do we get to the place that we not only love giving oral sex, but that we find giving oral sex arousing?

If you want ideas on giving your husband oral sex, then please take a look at my articles How to Drive Your Man Crazy, How to Love Your Husband with Oral Sex and His Amazing Body.

This article is going to focus on how to get aroused while giving your husband oral sex.

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PORN – What’s a Parent to Do?

When I was in second grade, my best friend showed me her dad’s giant stash of Playboy magazines neatly stacked on the garage shelf. She gingerly pulled a couple of issues down to sneak into her bedroom for closer examination. We crawled onto her bed, giggling and laughing as we turned each page with Chuck Berry’s  My Ding-A-Ling playing in the background.

Forty years later, after discovering Christian sex blogs that opened my eyes, I went exploring for information about a specific response using my trusted friend GOOGLE. Several videos immediately popped up to answer my questions and offer multiple gateways into the world of porn. Each click enticed me to watch more, until I finally had to slam my laptop shut in a tangle of feelings.

The world has drastically changed in 40 years.

Actually, the world has drastically changed in 10 years.

Porn has changed from sleek posed photos,to live streaming video that changes at the click of a mouse, to a portable screen available every moment of the day. It is a common occurrence for kids to use their phone to view porn on their bus ride home, regardless of whether they attend secular or Christian schools.

Preventing our kids from viewing porn is no longer a realistic goal.

We must seek to minimize the damage resulting from porn exposure.

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Help Your Husband Lead in the Marriage Bed

Romance movies feed on a woman’s God given desire for a husband to lead in the bedroom and leave us disillusioned when our sex life doesn’t live up to our expectations. Creating an awesome sex life is hard work and our husband has the hardest job in the world. Learning to confidently lead a complicated, finicky woman that has a body and needs so different than their own is like trying to solve a rubics cube while blind folded. Husband’s spend years guarding their eyes, trying to be gentle, and putting our needs ahead of theirs and then all of a sudden we expect them to be a passionate lover that feasts their eyes on us and takes us against the wall the moment we get home from  a hot date. YIKES!

Ladies, we had better step up and help with this one because we have been yanking our husband’s chain around for too long. If you want your husband to lead in the bedroom, you need to take ownership for all the ways you have discouraged him. Communicate your desire for him to lead and your resolve to do things different. Give him permission to go after what he wants rather than always putting you first. You have to own your finickiness  and let him off the hook. And you have to  affirm his God given qualities  and assure him that you absolutely trust him.

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To Know Our Spouse – Our Deepest Desire

Do you think you can have sex without getting to know your spouse?

I think a couple could  figure out what works and then just stick with it. They could rely on mechanics and physical responsiveness for a while… But eventually, things aren’t so great, because they get bored – because they aren’t getting to know each other. And if they are like most couples, they don’t talk about sex, so they just adapt. The wife may begin to check out mentally and fantasize about whatever creates enough excitement for her body to work.  Or she may just decide she doesn’t like sex, so she puts it at the bottom a very long “to do” list.

Women are very intuitive about whether you are getting to know each other during sex.  Many women relate to the frustration of a husband going through his routine without any clue whether his wife is actually enjoying things. She is laying there thinking, “here we go again. Yep. Here we go again”. Because she knows every step that is next. And because the husband is more intent on getting her to the finish line, then discovering something new, he just keeps at it. He tries harder and harder, while she becomes more and more frustrated.  He is not paying attention to the signs of her body, and he is not getting to know her.

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How to Help Your Husband Lead Spiritually

Most Christian wives have a deep desire for their husband to lead spiritually. Many of us have this romantic idea that when we get married our husband will suddenly transform into the spiritual leader. Daily, he will gather the family around the table for an evening bible study to share deep insights.  He will intuitively sense when we are struggling and gently lay his hands on us to pray. He will energize the family to get to church when all we want to do is sleep.

But why would getting married suddenly change our husband into the spiritual leader?

My guess is that leading spiritually is another area that men feel they can never live up to their wife’s expectations. It was an area that I found myself critical. After I took a hard look at myself, I realized I was a big part of the issue.

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God Likes Marriage Steamy Hot

We are in a battle to save marriage

The way we save marriage is by making our marriage so good that our kids say,

“I want that! I want what mom and dad have!”

We save marriage by working on ourselves and learning to love each other like Christ loved the church – by putting our spouse’s needs before ours. We save marriage by committing to never consider divorce, even while working through gut wrenching pain. Rather than complaining about our spouse we take a hard look at ourselves and see what needs to change, and then pleading for God to make it so.  We save marriage by tapping into the gift of sex to make us into one, to find refreshment in each other, and to transform our marriage from lukewarm into steamy hot.

Revelation 3:16 says So, because you are lukewarm – neither hot or cold – I am about to spit you out of my mouth.

God hates it when Christians act lukewarm. When Christians honor him with their mouth, but their heart is far from Him. To them, God is an obligation, a box on their checklist, and a duty. Rather than making real sacrifices, they serve just enough to feel good about themselves. They have no desire to know God or spend time with him and do not understand the depths of His love for them. They take care of themselves and rely on God for nothing. Worship is simply a ritual, void of awe or heart or freedom.

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The Roles God Calls Us To – Lead and Submit

Ingrained in Christian marriage is the expectation of roles – that the husband will lead and the wife will submit.

Ephesians 5:21-23 –And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord.  For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church.

I have to admit that I still prickle at the verse. As a woman that grew up climbing trees, playing Little League baseball with the boys, and attending a male dominated engineering school, I have to remind myself that this verse is not about holding women back. The verse is about bringing order to human relationships and about loving each other by denying ourselves.  And even though the verse prickles me, deep down I want my husband to lead. In fact, it is a real turn on for my husband to lead, and I constantly hear other women say the same thing.

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Come to Me

God woos us. He calls us to come to Him. To lay down our burdens and our worries and to find Him with arms open wide. He doesn’t force us, he doesn’t manipulate us, he doesn’t barter with us. He just says “Come”.

  • Rev 3:20 – Here I am. I stand at the door and knock. If you hear my voice and open the door, I will come in, and we will share a meal together as friends.
  • Psalm 23:6 – Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life and I will live in the house of the Lord forever.
  • Matthew 11:28 – “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.

God loves us, even in our sin.  He loves us even if we ignore Him, or reject Him. He loves us though we forget him or get distracted. He loves us no matter what.

Romans 5:8 says, But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners.

God gives us free will to choose. He could have forced us to love him. He could have forced us to serve him. He could have commanded us to bow down in worship. He could have made us into robots to do his will – but He doesn’t. He wants us to choose Him. He wants us to Come to Him.

So, if we are supposed to love our spouse like Christ loved the church then…

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Buy the book

After years of buying into the same old messages about sex, Ruth went searching for God’s truth and discovered something radically different. By sharing her own journey to sexual freedom and the stories of the women she’s taught, you will come away with a new mindset about sex and a deep-seated belief that God designed each of us unique, special – and created for delights.

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Copyright © Ruth Buezis, Awaken-Love and Christian Sex Class, 2017. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s authors and/or owners is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Awaken-Love with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.