Vibrators is a topic that raises red flags in church and yet the Bible does not specifically address them. They are another gray area, where we are called to discern with our spouse whether it is something good for our marriage bed. It boils down to the question.
“Will using a vibrator create intimacy in our marriage?”
Vibrators are certainly becoming more and more mainstream. They are available on drugstore shelves next to the condoms or in an even greater variety on websites. Simply put, women buy vibrators because they work. Vibrators produce a strong physical stimulation that makes the likelihood of orgasm for women higher. Which can be a great thing.
However, we need to be a little careful about always using vibrators just because they work. Sex is not just physical. Sex is about emotional connection, communication, using our words to create arousal, and tapping into creativity to express ourselves and turn each other on. We need to ask ourselves, “Are we missing out on stretching in other ways of knowing each other?” Defaulting to an easy route to the finish line can short change us and our spouse.
I am not against vibrators. There are many cases where a vibrator can be an amazing tool. But we need to constantly ask ourselves,
“Are we creating intimacy?”
So I am going to share some examples where a vibrator might create intimacy or might not create intimacy.
Discovering Orgasm
I will never forget reading the story of a wife that had faithfully served her husband for over 10 years without enjoying the pleasure of an orgasm. On her birthday, she was given a vibrator as a gag gift from a friend which she promptly stashed away. One day, she pulled it out because she was curious. Low and behold, she discovered what she had been missing out on all those years.
Because of the strong physical stimulation, a vibrator can help women figure out how to have an orgasm. The wife can then share that experience with her husband and make it part of their lovemaking. Learning how to orgasm with a vibrator may translate into learning to experience orgasm from manual or oral stimulation, or she might always use a vibrator to orgasm.
If a vibrator helps a wife to enjoy sex with her husband and they are both actively engaged, doesn’t it create intimacy? I do think we are supposed to continue to discover new things about each other. There may be times when we put the vibrator aside and try to learn something new. Is it possible that if your husband always reached for the easiest route, you would feel short changed? Don’t we want our husbands to continue to discover something new?
Not surprisingly, vibrators are becoming a common gift at bachelorette parties. Based on…
Deuteronomy 24:5 – If a man has recently married, he must not be sent to war or have any other duty laid on him. For one year he is to be free to stay at home and bring happiness to the wife he has married.
I suggest that young couples spend at least a year with just the two of them – in other words, no vibrator – getting to know each other. It takes time, hard communication, trust and focused discovery to figure out what works. Simplify life, spend time together and see what you can learn one on one, skin to skin.
Orgasm During Intercourse
For the majority of women, orgasm does not come easily during intercourse. Yet we have a deep desire to experience our bodies letting go while intertwined with our husband. A vibrator used during intercourse can provide the additional clitoral stimulation that is needed to finish during intercourse. And along the way provide pleasurable vibrations for our man.
If a wife is working toward enjoying intercourse more, she can use a vibrator as an easy Plan B. Both husband and wife can just enjoy what happens during intercourse. If she doesn’t reach orgasm before he does, then the vibrator can help her finish.
The vibrator can be a tool to help both spouses enjoy intercourse more. Will there be times when you might want to simplify and focus on what else you can feel without the vibrations? You bet! Keep communication open, discern when God has more for you and make no hard and fast rules.
Day Off or Quickie
I have a husband that has always been thoughtful about making things enjoyable for me. Buthonestly, sometimes I think I am a lot of work. Wouldn’t it be fun if sometimes our husband could just enjoy things and not worry about his wife so much? Maybe on the Sabbath, you treat your husband with use of a vibrator. Or maybe sometimes we get to enjoy a quickie too by breaking out the vibrator.
I think sex ought to be about all kinds of experiences together – including effortless sex and quickies for two. They are new ways of getting to know each other. Could a vibrator create intimacy by tapping into a wider range of experiences? Would it create intimacy if you did it this way every time?
Aging or Physical Challenges – for both women and men
I have had perfect eyesight my entire life. A few years ago, reading started becoming – shall we say – problematic. Honestly, for a while I avoided going down to my wood shop because I couldn’t see the numbers on the tape measure. But I was missing out on something that I loved. I finally hauled myself to the eye doctor to find out my options. It took some getting used to, and I still wish I had my young eyes. But I am adjusting to bi-focals and I am enjoying life again.
Vibrators can be a huge help to both men and women as their bodies become less responsive due to age, medication or some other physical challenge. It may take some getting used to the idea and you may grieve the loss of what you had. But for many people, using a vibrator can help them enjoy their sex life again.
Do vibrators create intimacy if they allow a husband and wife to enjoy their sex life together – even when their bodies do not cooperate?
Final Thoughts
One of the common concerns about vibrators is, “Will my body become less responsive to my husband?”
The fact of the matter is, our bodies are trainable. If you always use a vibrator, then your body will learn to respond to a vibrator. If you continue to have sex different ways, than your body will continue to respond to different experiences. If you have always used a vibrator and you want your body to respond in new ways, it will take time for your body to learn new things.
Asking the question, “Are we creating intimacy?” is not a one time deal. We need to constantly ask and we need to discern areas that we can stretch in experiencing each other. God created sex as a way to get to know each other. If you have never used a vibrator, then it could be a very intimate way to let your spouse know you. If you always use a vibrator, then there might be other ways to grow in connection that would more than compensate for less physical stimulation. Be discerning, are you getting to know each other?
Would you be willing to share examples of how toys have created intimacy, or times when you decided they did not and why so that others might learn from your experiences?
Christian online resources to explore options include Married Dance and Covenant Spice
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I am in my 70’s. Without a vibrator I would never have an orgasm. My wife stimulates me sometimes for an hour. It feels great, but I cannot finish. It is rather frustrating. So, a vibrator gives me that enjoyable and intimate finish that makes our relationship so wonderful. I wish my wife would let me use a vibrator on her. So far she refuses.
My wife and I both use a vibrator.
She on her clitorus and me on my penis head. It’s wonderful.
The other day we both climaxed at the same time during intercourse. Talk about intimate!
Currently I’m just using a plain butt plug. But I’m looking for a vibrating one to try.
Thanks for your blog and detailed discussions.
“Vibrators can be a huge help to both men and women as their bodies become less responsive due to age, medication or some other physical challenge.”
The lack of responsiveness can be quite challenging. I believe women are more aware of the changes since so many areas of their body are adversely affected by hormonal changes. They feel the change in so many different ways that it cannot be ignored or mistaken. Which brings me to Mike’s comment.
Because husbands have historically been steady ready Freddy in the past, wives feel that if he doesn’t have ED and can still achieve an erection all is good and nothing has changed. This can be particularly problematic if the wife presses for nothing less than intercourse. As the nervous system loses sensitivity ( I believe the figure is 60% by age 60) the penis is less sensitive to mild friction and requires almost constant simulation to stay erect. And almost constant means exactly that. If you notice your husband going soft when you stop manual or oral stimulation (which may even be only momentarily to switch hands) it may have nothing to do with a lack of desire for sex with you or the desire to have sexual pleasure in general. He just needed that stimulation to stay constant. It could be compared to him manually stimulating you. You are soooo close…and then he changes to doing it differently. BAM. You find yourself almost back at the beginning of foreplay. And, like you, that little stop may be enough that he cannot regain enough stimulation and stamina to achieve orgasm. This is where the vibrator may be his only option but only if it does not numb too much with its intensity.
If you suspect you husband is having this problem, it may be time to suggest buying a vibrator “for you” and in the course of using it tell him “Oh honey, you have to feel how good these vibrations feel,” and hold the vibrator in place for him so he doesn’t do it. Your sharing avoids him asking and suggesting he needs the help and he will like seeing the enjoyment on your face as you pleasure him.
You no doubt notice I suggested manual and oral earlier. To speak frankly ladies, as we men age the vagina becomes less stimulating physically. It still has a strong emotional and erotic draw, but the lack of strong friction compared to the hand of mouth makes maintaining an erection more difficult. Some of you wives may have noticed with passing time the small window of opportunity to achieve penetration before becoming just a bit too soft to go in or stay in. We still love intercourse, but is seems to love us less as a vehicle for satisfying sex and orgasm. That is why I suggested manual, oral or a mix of both as what may become the only effective option with age that doesn’t involve a device.
Thanks for the reminder that vibrators can be helpful for both women and men.
Ruth