Recently I read a great book on marriage by a well respected author and of course there was a chapter on sex buried near the end of the book. Since I have been teaching women about sex, I have this habit of filtering whatever I read thru the lens of what a Christian wife would hear.
What I remember from the sex chapters in most Christian books is 2 things…
- Women – your husband needs sex. It is a biological need driven by hormones. If he doesn’t have it, he gets cranky, has a hard time talking to you, and may fall into temptation.
- Men – you need to love your wife outside of the bedroom. Serve her, help with the kids, talk to her, hold her hand, and romance her. My guess is that most men believe if they follow the advice, they will have more sex. Because that is what the chapter is about – sex.
Now let me be clear. I don’t believe this information is wrong.
The problem is if these 2 points are all that we hear – the only assumption we can make is that women don’t need sex. We just need our husband to love us outside of the bedroom. And of course once we feel loved, we will help him out with his primary need – Sex.
The other problem is that it is the same message we always hear. We have heard it over and over and over and eventually we just stop listening.
So I have been thinking about what I would say if I was going to write a chapter on sex in a well respected Christian marriage book. Here are my main points…
Sex is important for both husband and wife
Based on Song of Songs and the equal roles that the husband and wife play in initiating, expressing themselves, and being creative, sex is important for both husband and wife. Considering the cultural role women had in society back then, God is trying to say something loud and clear. Husband and wife are supposed to be equals in the marriage bed.
It is not that we are the same. In fact we are very different when it comes to sex. But just like our husbands should not allow the drive of their hormones to control them, wives should not allow their lack of hormonal drive to control them. God created sex as a way to glue us together, to find refreshment and to comfort each other. Sex is not just physical and we need to stop treating it like it is. If you don’t believe sex is important to you, you need to ask yourself why. What lies have you believed about sex, or men or women?
Sex is about getting to know each other –
If you think that you have sex figured out because you can get your spouse from point A to point B, you are missing out. There is so much more to explore and enjoy.
Guys, your wife knows if you are just going thru your routine again or if you are trying to see what you can discover. They know if you are just rubbing them to make sparks fly, or if you are actually feeling them, exploring them, sensing what they enjoy and leading them somewhere new.
Wives, you are missing out if you are just getting it done. You have the amazing privilege of showing your husband things that he never even imagined existed. Take him for a ride he will never forget as you tune into his body and sense when to put on the brakes, when to coast, or when to stomp on the gas.
God created sex so that we would know each other and it is supposed to be this life long journey that never gets boring. In order for that to happen we must be there – physically, mentally, spiritually. That means staying in contact with your spouse through words, eyes, smells – anything that pulls you back to enjoying what is going on, rather than worrying about what is next.
God designed sex to be a lifetime of getting to know each other – and when you do that – sex never gets boring.
Sex is for refreshment –
Women don’t typically relate to sex being refreshment. For many of us, sex feels like another responsibility or thing on our to do list. Sex feels like it drains us and takes energy from us – it does not fill us up. But God created sex as a way to fill us up, to relax us, to make life a little easier.
In Song of Songs 1:2, She says to him…
Kiss me and kiss me again, for your love is sweeter than wine.
Think about what wine does after a long hard day… You finally get the kids in bed, clean up the dishes, fold the last of the laundry, and slump down on the couch…A deep breathe….feet up…a sip from your glass of wine. Ahhh, finally you can relax. Wine kind of just takes the edge off, doesn’t it?
That is what connection with our spouse is supposed to do. Whether it is a kiss, hugging, or sex, our spouse is supposed to relax us. They are supposed to take the edge off of life. They are supposed to be refreshment.
So why does sex feel like an obligation rather than a gift?
Women, we need to do the hard work of figuring out why we feel that way, because that is not God’s intent or design. What lies have you believed about sex, men or women? What baggage from your past are you carrying around and allowing to impact your present? God is a God that can heal ANYTHING. There is nothing too big. Maybe you need to get some help and talk to a counselor. You could take an Awaken-Love class with a group of friends. Maybe you just need to wrestle with God. But don’t stay stuck where you are. Life is hard and we need sex to glue us together to our spouse and make us into one so we go through things together.
The last piece of advice I would give is, Bring God into your Marriage Bed. God created sex, He ordained it, and it should be a holy experience that celebrates who He is and who He wants us to be. We go to bed at night and lock the door with God on the other side, and settle for so much less than God intended. What does bringing God into your marriage bed look like? You tell me…
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I think the hardest idea you suggested is “bringing God into the bedroom (during sex).” I can pray to God before sex, and after sex, but imagining Jesus with us in bed is just too much. I cannot imagine Him watching us have sex, and I cannot imagine a threesome with Jesus. We need privacy in order to have good sex, having Jesus there does not give us the privacy needed. My wife freaks out at the thought.
Maybe you can give some practical examples or advice as to how to do that.
Mike,
Bringing God into our marriage bed is definitely not a natural place that most most of us go. I suspect an entire post written on this is in order. Maybe I will try to get it ready for Monday.
Ruth
Two words:
THANK YOU!
Thanks Paul.
I absolutely hate being me. I am a married woman, and I like sex with my husband. I have a much higher sex drive than my husband. We average about once a week, but that’s because he tries to make me happy, he could easily go two weeks or more. I’d prefer to have sex every other day. I am abnormal, and I know it.
This also messes with my self esteem, and my worth as a woman. I have concluded that I must be very unattractive to my husband (although he would claim otherwise) because he does not want sex with me the way normal men do with their wives. I’ve lamented, complained, questioned, read, and finally concluded it just is what it is. It is my lot in life. I am a very sex positive woman, and yet I married a wonderful man who does not see me as a worthy sexual partner. He has sex with me out of love, pity, and obligation. I do not believe he does it because he wants to. I know this because I have initiated over 95% of our sexual encounters from the beginning of our marriage.
So while this article is great, and necessary for most normal couples, I see it as just more proof that I have never been and will never be good enough. I obviously do not possess the attractive wife or the desireable wife qualities that almost every other woman has. It stinks, but I’m getting better at accepting that this is what my life was meant to be.
Jeanbeca,
I don’t think you are abnormal at all. It is an awesome thing that you are sex positive and love connecting with your husband on a regular basis. If you have been on the blogs at all, you must realize that there are many women in the same boat as you, and some much worse. In 25-30% of marriages the wife has the higher drive.
I understand the desire to feel wanted. Somehow when we are the higher drive, it seems like we are always the one initiating and it can easily feel like our spouse has no interest at all. I want to share just a couple of things.
First, I think women may have an unrealistic expectation of men. We think that every other husband is romancing, pursuing or sweeping their wife off their feet. In reality a lot of men are just showing up in bed and say, ” so, you want to?”
Second, don’t think for a second that your husband cannot change. He can – God changes people. Now here’s the deal. It sounds like you have a husband that loves you and wants to do things because he loves you. What an awesome thing. Don’t negate what he is doing. Encourage every small step that he takes towards what you desire. Make sex awesome for the two of you instead of him feeling like he has failed one more time. Help him understand what sex means to you beyond just a physical connection. Talk about what a thrill it is when he initiates and encourage him by sharing specific ways that would thrill you. Remember baby steps, followed by lots of encouragement.
Blessings to you on this journey of becoming one.
Ruth
“Bringing God into your marriage bed” to me, means keeping in the front of my mind that sex is one of the ways we “become one.” It means asking God to show me how to please my husband, thanking him for giving me the gift of my husband and the desire to give myself to him. It means recognizing that God has joined us as partners in life and that it is a privilege that God has blessed me with such a wonderful man.
I want more than a Like button up there. I want a Love button. This is wonderful! Preach it, sister. 😉
Thanks Julie.
We found that bringing God into our marriage bed means realizing that having sex with each other is one of the deeply spiritual things we do. We used to think of sex as a rather fleshly unspiritual activity. Now we both feel more spiritually aware after making love.
In Chariots of Fire, Eric Liddel says, “God made me fast, and when I run I feel His pleasure.” God made us sexual, and when my wife and I connect sexually, we feel His pleasure.
Bobthemusicguy,
I love that. Thanks for sharing!
heck yes we do. He is so very pleased 🙂