My husband and I figured out the importance of taking turns initiating sex, but it hasn’t always been this way.
Last week I shared a post written several years ago, Different Sex Drives, about when we struggled because I became the higher drive spouse. All of a sudden, I had a new understanding of what my husband had dealt with for years. I wanted to feel desired and wanted. When I always ended up reaching for him before he reached for me, it caused me to question my husband’s love. Initiation makes us feel wanted.
Trained
When I think about it, my husband hadn’t truly initiated sex for years. Yes, he had reached for me, but only after I had given him some subtle single that the gate was open. For years I had controlled when we had sex. I trained him not to initiate. I trained him not to lead and left him constantly trying to discern if now was the right time.
Women share all the time what a turn on it would be if there husband led. We want them to lead spiritually. We want them to lead the family and I think we want them to lead in the bedroom. But do we let them lead? Should our husband have the right to initiate sex if he feels disconnected? Can our husband reach out to us when they want to love us, or when they want to feel loved?
Our past problems with different drives resulted from my inability to trust my husband and my need to control my life. I had trained my husband to wait for my signal. Somehow we needed to learn new habits and patterns instead of just going thru the same crazy cycle. So my husband and I made an agreement.
The Agreement
We agreed to take turns initiating within a certain time period. For example, I had 48 hours to initiate. Once I had initiated, he would have 48 hours to initiate. Then it would be my turn again.
We trusted each other and knew we would be sensitive to each others needs. We agreed that we could initiate whenever we wanted and the other would do their best to get on board. We no longer had to figure out when the other person wanted to have sex, we could reach when we desired or wanted the other.
Knowing when it was our turn to initiate allowed us to dream about what we wanted to plan. We had fun trying to out do each other. I got better at letting go of control andI learned things about my husband by how he initiated and what he planned.
Freedom
Now you might think that our agreement was controlling, but my husband shared he found it freeing. No longer was he treading on pins and needles trying to decipher if it was a good time for sex. He could instead put his energy into dreaming about what he wanted to do.
After a few short weeks, we had both gained enough confidence in ourselves and each other that the agreement was no longer necessary. We initiated when we wanted each other, when we felt disconnected, or we just needed to feel loved. Our agreement about initiation was one of the best things we have done for our sex life. I love that my husband now has the confidence to lead in our marriage bed. I love stepping into what he dreams up and being there for him. I love having the freedom to initiate when I desire connection and love with my husband.
Sharing initiation communicates trust and it will take your relationship to a whole new level.
The Author
