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marriage

Do We Only Show the Presentable Parts or All of Me?

Sometimes in the church, we think in order to commune with God we need to have our life put together. It seems like nobody struggles in their marriage, with depression, with pornography or rebellious kids. If they do, they sure as heck don’t talk about it. Pretty soon we begin to believe that God only wants to know the presentable parts. When we struggle, we go into hiding and say, “God, when I have this figured out, then…” As a college kid that drank too much, church was the last place I wanted to go. I did not want to see God, talk to Him or hear from Him. I thought I needed to fix myself first, and honestly that might never have happened.

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A Great Sex Life – Not all Rocket Science

Having a great sex life is not all rocket science. The small everyday things that we do make a huge difference. They set the stage and are the meat and potatoes of our relationship that great sex rolls out of. So, I thought I would share some of the small practical everyday things that make a difference to my husband and me.

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Is Your Marriage Your First Priority?

Anything and everything will get in the way of your marriage and your sex life.

  • Kids
  • Work
  • Social Media
  • Staying fit
  • Ministry
  • Keeping up with the Jones
  • Serving
  • Screen time
  • Chores
  • Insecurities
  • Expectations

In the same way, anything and everything will get in the way of your relationship with God.

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Mismatched Sex Drive

“Why don’t I have a drive like my husband?”

This wasn’t the first time I had heard this question. It is easy as a lower drive spouse to feel like something is wrong with us because we don’t have a drive. It must be awesome to want sex all the time – it would make life so much easier.

When it comes to sex, I don’t really think there is an easy road. We just have different challenges to navigate.

Honestly, I think part of our problem is giving our drives way too much power. As Christians, we say that sex is not just physical, but do we really believe it and do we live it? If we believed sex was a gift from God to strengthen marriage, wouldn’t we be having sex regardless of whether our physical body was screaming for it.

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Intercourse Insight

Intercourse is God’s design to make what seems like an impossibility, an opportunity for growth.

 Over the course of my marriage, intercourse has changed drastically from

  • something that I just endured
  • to something that frustrated the heck out of me
  • to something that I crave- regardless of whether I reach orgasm.

Intercourse, more than any other sexual act has stretched my husband and I to talk about really hard stuff. It has forced us to not just focus on mechanics but on connection. We have thrown out every preconceived idea of what intercourse looks like and instead created something that works for us. And we have grown enormously because of it, individually and as a couple.

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Do it for You

I will never forget the woman, tears streaming down her cheeks, her gentle husband just a step behind. She came to talk during intermission at one of my couples seminars on sex. “I am sorry”, she said, “I have to leave. This is just too painful. You see I was abused as a child… I want to do this for my husband… really, I just can’t right now.”

As I listened to her story, I was struck by the common thread that holds so many Christian wives.

Do it for your husband

It is a thread that weaves throughout our sexuality impacting us so profoundly and yet many of us may not even know it exists.  This message of “Do it for your husband” sounds so Christian, putting someone ahead of yourself, and yet in many ways it slowly strangles our sexuality until it all just feels like a chore. This subtle thread insinuates that sex is not important to wives. It implies that God did not create sex as a gift for women and that, IS A LIE.

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