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christian sex

Talk about SEX?

CFC-talking-about-online-part3I don’t think great sex just happens. Real life is not like the movies where the guy confidently takes you in his arms, you melt at his touch as desire inflames your body, and intercourse simultaneously takes both of you to the moon and back.

Great sex happens because you are brave enough to talk about your needs and desires, and courageous enough to hear and honor your spouse’s needs and desires.

In order to work towards having an orgasm during intercourse, you must talk about sex. You must talk about where you are at, what you would like to try, let him know how he can help, and come up with a plan B.

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His and Her Kegels

If you want to experience an orgasm during intercourse, there is no better place to start than for both you and your husband to become more aware of your own bodies, and to have more control over them. So today I will outline for both of you the reasons to do kegels, how to do them, and to how make it a part of your day.

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9 Things I’d say about sex if I had no filter

sex sign
I am joining the bandwagon of Christian Sex Bloggers  with  9 Things I would say about sex if I had no filter. Kudos to Julie Sibert at Intimacy in Marriage for getting us started.

1. We are in a battle to save marriage – rather than pointing our fingers at others we ought to be looking at ourselves. Does our marriage look different because we are enjoying the intimacy and freedom that God intended for us? Do our kids look at our marriage and think to themselves, “that is what I want.” Great sex is part of a great marriage.

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The Big Question – How Do I Have an Orgasm During Intercourse

big-questionIt is the question women most often ask about sex,

“How do I have an orgasm during intercourse?”

I have to be honest, when I got married 25 years ago and had questions about sex I bought a secular book, “For Yourself” by Lonnie Barbach. Typical of most secular books, it clearly communicated that the chances of women having an orgasm during intercourse were pretty slim, so just concentrate on what did work, and enjoy it.

So that’s what we did. We basically subscribed to the “she comes first” mantra, then afterward my husband would enjoy finishing inside of me.

But the last few years I have read a ton of books on sex, both secular and Christian, and there is a huge divide in what they teach. Even though the Christian books may teach manual techniques for a woman to figure out how to have an orgasm, they all progress to how to have an orgasm during intercourse. Whether it is the perfectly timed transition from foreplay to intercourse, or the strategic tilt of her hips, it can make you feel like everything should just fall into place if you follow the magic formula. It seems like there ought to be a middle ground.

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Let your fingers do the walking

main8467If you got a chance to read about “The amusement park of orgasms” in Hot, Holy and Humorous, then you know that the first orgasm she describes is “The Roller Coaster Dip”. It is that mind blowing orgasm that swooshes down a free fall as it releases every ounce of sexual tension in your body. It can leave you feeling like a blob of putty that cannot move, speak or think.  It is the orgasm that results from stimulation of the clitoris by hands,  mouth, or whatever.

Direct stimulation of the clitoris is the most reliable way for women to orgasm. Many times it is the most defined orgasm especially if intercourse is not taking place at the same time. With clitoral stimulation , there is a clarity of where the sensations are coming and a radiating out from that point to the ends of our finger tips and toes and the top of our head.

For women that have never had an orgasm, giving yourself the freedom to do some self-exploration may be the best thing you ever do for your marriage. A book I read recently that worked with pre-orgasmic women, suggested spending an hour every day for 2-5 weeks to figure out what works for you. That sounds like an enormous amount of time. but why not. When we learn how to play an instrument or a sport, we commit to practice on a regular basis for years. So why not commit to learning your body, so that you can teach your husband?

Even for women that orgasm on a regular basis, it is not unusual for orgasms resulting from self stimulation to physically feel the strongest, and we might wonder how this can be.

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Do you love yourself?

Cymbidium orchid flower, close-upGirls and boys have such different experiences discovering their bodies.

By the time boys are potty training, they are forming a very hands on relationship with their penis. It is part of everyday life to touch and hold their penis, and it can quickly become a best friend. They know what it looks like, what it feels like, and how it changes with temperature, and there is really nothing dirty about their penis. It is simply part of who they are.

Girls on the other hand, are physically created very differently. Our parts are tucked inside and may never be touched, besides the occasional wiping with a piece of toilet paper. If you wanted to actually see what was down there, you’d have to either bend like a pretzel, or dare to pull out a mirror. Even  in a mirror, our bodies are distantly removed when we view them through a reflection. Girls grow up not knowing that they have 3 holes, all they know is that dirty stuff comes out down there, and you better wash your hands with soap and water afterwards.

I ask the question, “Do you love yourself?” because I am not sure many of us really do.

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Are you willing to fight for it?

Sea-Anemone

Yesterday I was supposed to write a blog and I just could not bring myself to do it. My husband and I were still in the middle of working through something that had popped out of nowhere in our marriage bed the night before, and I was still too raw.

It amazes me how vulnerable I am in my marriage bed. I like to say, I am like a sea anemone. I gradually open up, until my tentacles are freely flowing in the current, enjoying being tossed about with the movement of the tide, receptive to new experiences and comfortable receiving whatever comes my way. But when I am totally opened up, my most sensitive spot is also exposed. My deepest, most personal, most private self is laid out for my husband. He knows me like no one else, but it is not easy, because all it takes is one little prick to that most sensitive spot, and I immediately close to protect myself.

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