Before my awakening, I had no idea how much freedom God wanted me to experience in our marriage bed. Though we explored more than missionary position, I felt uneasy expressing myself. At times I reined myself in out of fear of going too far or losing control. Where were the guardrails? Could we enjoy what the world enjoys? What was okay and what was not? How much pleasure was too much pleasure?
There does seem to be this connection between overindulgence and sin. You can drink one glass of wine, but ten? Well, that’s a different matter. So, we hold ourselves back and only allow ourselves to enjoy sex this much or to be that free. We safeguard ourselves by disassociating with anything that has a connection to what the world does.
Is it possible that we are holding ourselves back from exactly what we need in marriage? Maybe the freedom that goes on outside of marriage is what God wants us to enjoy within marriage. God wants to give us a glimpse of His original intention of being naked and unashamed. Have we let the world’s corruption of sex keep us from receiving an amazing gift from Him? This gift is so powerful that it will literally transform our marriages.
Steps of Change
Change did not come overnight for me. As I recognized lies that I believed, I started trusting my husband. When I understood God’s design, I measured sex by whether we were getting to know each other. Dealing with my baggage released a newness in me. Stepping into freedom was both terrifying and exhilarating.
It was not about trying to compete with the world. I wanted to claim the freedom God intended for us. I cared far more about connecting with my husband than about creating a show.
When I wanted my husband to watch me during sex, it wasn’t an attempt to create a pornographic scene for him. I simply wanted to maintain connection through eye contact. I wanted him to know who I was rather than just enjoy stimulation. This was me opening myself up to him.
When I performed a strip tease for my husband, I was not trying to compete with strip clubs. I wanted to put a stake in the ground that said, “I want to be free”—to share my naked body, to entice, and to move sensually. This was me, no one else—gangly arms, big feet, droopy breasts, and a C-section scar. Though terrified, I wanted to give my husband permission to feast his eyes on me.
Most of us don’t immediately go from years of believing and behaving like sex is a duty to embracing all that God has to offer. You might even feel overwhelmed by the divide between who you are and who God wants you to be. It’s okay, sister. I am right there with you. Change happens one small step at a time. Stepping out into the water, grounded in truth, and steadied by our heavenly Father, we tiptoe in. As we get more and more comfortable, we wade in a little deeper.
But we have to take a step.
(Excerpt from Awaken Love: The Truth About Sex that will Transform Your Marriage)
Maybe your first step is picking up a copy of Awaken Love
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The Author
This is so true. Not until recently did I begin enjoying me on top for the feelings and sensation and not just to please. Before I was so worried about exposing myself and shame, that I didn’t allow myself the freedom. I truly enjoy your openness about God’s image for us in our marriage beds.
Praise God for steps of growth and freedom.
This is one of the most important posts you’ve ever made, Ruth. It really goes to what a lot of couples, even sexually active ones, never get to – which is real freedom and the ability to fully embrace their healthy sexual desires. Even the most basic expansions of the sexual repertoire can seem frightening at first, let alone more adventuresome ideas. From positions to talking “dirty” to stripteases like you described to other ideas, feeling free is really about embracing desires that are part of your sexual makeup – and not holding them back anymore.
For instance, one theme I’ve seen emerge within our community and other sites that have conducted polls, etc, is that women really like to be “taken” – vigorous sex. Yet, they’re not sure how to verbalize that – so they don’t. And their husbands might think they don’t want it, so they don’t initiate the idea either, so what could potentially be an amazing MUTUAL desire is never discovered.
So, you’re really on to something here. It’s very important.
Thanks.
BTW – I wrote about being taken and how to communicate about it to your husband.
Thank you, Ruth, I do think this is an area that not unlike oral sex, is of interest to many.