In class last year, I witnessed what I would call a miracle. I’ve watched profound transformation during Awaken Love classes before, so I don’t know that I felt surprised. But when Lisa shared her God story, it felt awe inspiring, bigger than life, a miracle that only God can orchestrate. You see in the world that we live, we like to think that we control more than we do. But when I witness miracles, it reminds me of how small I am and who is really in control. The situation that felt hopeless, and chaotic – in a moment – it changed , a miracle happened, and only God can do that.
Lisa Joins Awaken Love
Lisa was a late addition to my Awaken Love class. Emailing just days before my already full class started, I added her to the roster, trusting that God had a plan. She came with her friend, expectant yet wounded. And with each week you could see the pain increase.
You see, Lisa was part of the 1/3 of the class who would love to engage in sex, while her husband showed little interest. Hearing and reading about all the reasons to have sex just made her angry. If only her husband would…!!! But even when she felt discouraged, and it didn’t seem like God’s word applied, Lisa stuck with it.
On week 3, baggage night, Lisa watched and listened, as the women shared and prayed over each other and asked for the healing, growth and transformation they wanted. Quiet in her thoughts, she finally took her turn and out burst a tornado of feelings, disappointments and grievances about her husband. Seven years! That’s how long it had been since they connected sexually. My heart broke for her, but I also noticed the way that she continued to focus on her husband. Blinded by her wounds, she could not see her part in their mess. And so, she knelt, and she prayed for him to change, while I quietly prayed for her eyes to open.
Meeting One on One
That night I could not get Lisa out of my mind. Ignoring what I had seen would not help her. I had to find the courage to follow up and share my honest, but hard thoughts.
Two days later we sat in my living room and I patiently waited as Lisa once again tearfully relayed all of the ways that her husband had let her down. Through tears of disappointment, I learned about their story. Years of counseling… Three years in separate bedrooms … so resentful and hurt that she could no longer look him in the eyes…
And yet, Lisa also told me, that on baggage night, as she knelt before God, she clearly heard Him ask, “Do YOU want to get well?” And THAT gave me hope.
So I mustered up my courage, took a deep breath, and asked, “would it be ok, if I share a few things that I’ve noticed?”
The Path Towards Change
You see, we only have power over ourselves. When we spend all of our time lamenting about the ways that our spouse let us down, we waste our time, and energy. We become more and more frantic and unhappy as we try to control somebody that we cannot control. The road to freedom and transformation requires that we let go of what we cannot control and focus on what we can, ourselves.
Another principle that we must understand, but can feel really hard to stomach, is that in every marriage, equal unhealth exists. A husband and wife may be unhealthy in very different ways, but we are equally unhealthy. The encouraging corollary is that when one person chooses to work on themselves and get healthier, it pressures their spouse to grow. We have the power to change ourselves. To become stronger, more loving people, that can make better choices in the future – regardless of what our spouse does. And that is good news!
Telling the truth felt scary, and I really had no idea how Lisa would receive the messages that I offered. But with an open heart and a new sense of calm, Lisa began to see herself more clearly and own her own part in their dynamics.
Faith Put Into Action Creates Miracles
Before Lisa left, she shared that the first thing she planned to do was apologize to her husband. She had spent years blaming their struggles on him, and she now realized that she had things to work on. Rather than using counseling sessions to prove her husband’s guilt, she planned to ask for tools for the changes she wanted in herself. And she began to think through how she might complete the first weeks homework assignment of giving her husband a sensuous massage. With years of physical separation, she treaded lightly, “Maybe I could give him a sensuous massage on his wrist.”
My time with Lisa took courage and faith – for both of us. I had to share honestly what I saw, and it felt scary. Lisa could have stayed in her comfortable place of blame and felt completely offended by my ideas. But she chose to hear because she heard God ask, “Do YOU want to get well?” Taking Awaken Love was not about changing her husband, but about becoming the person that God wants Lisa to be.
Miracles Happen
A few days later, when Lisa showed up for class, she looked different. Her face was softer, her step was lighter. As we checked in, she joined us in celebrating others progress until a space opened for her to share. “Last week I apologized to my husband for blaming him for our issues. We had a really good talk up at our cabin. And afterward….. We had SEX.”
Just like that! A Miracle! 6 years of loneliness, separation, resentment, blame and bitterness, erased for a moment of sweet oneness, confirmation, commitment, openness, and hope. We celebrated a miracle in class that week and I watched in delight as the other women recognized how powerful our God is. He did what none of us dreamed possible. He did a miracle.
I have since checked in with Lisa, and their relationship continues to improve. Lisa and her husband still have plenty of work to do, but they now have hope. As they continue to work on their own part of their dynamics, they will gain tools to keep them from slipping into the same old patterns. Reigniting their physical intimacy will help to sustain and unite them when things get hard. But more than anything, they now have hope. They know that transformation can happen. Because God can do the impossible. He is the God of miracles.
Upcoming Classes
I am excited to launch several classes this Fall, including a both a daytime and an evening class over zoom. Check out my schedule and join me for an amazing six weeks of discovering and going after what God wants for you. Sing up now by emailing me.
The Author
