Men and women hunger for a new perspective about sex. After years of silence from our families or the church, we know things need to change. Couples need to understand God’s intent for sex, have a safe place to seek help or healing and receive compassion for their struggle. This year I had the privilege to speak to over a dozen different groups about sex and it was an amazing experience. I love to watch the defenses fall away as men and women realize I do not offer the same old messages. Invite me to speak about sex and you will hear a new perspective.
For instance, you will never hear me say to wives, “Your husband needs sex”. I won’t even encourage husbands to, “help your wife more around the house”. We’ve already heard those messages plenty of times. In a world that has completely distorted sex, we don’t just need a band aid. We need a new mindset.
We are all sexually broken. Our attitudes about sex have been impacted by the world. Satan loves nothing more than to drive us into shame and hiding. Great sex does not happen naturally like the movies promise. When I speak on sex, I won’t pretend I have all the answers, but I will offer compassion. I have been where you are. I am a simple ordinary wife that understands the hurt, confusion and frustrations associated with God’s gift. But I also know the importance of great sex for marriages.
Compassion
Creating an amazing sex life in marriage that lasts a life time takes hard work. We all have sexual brokenness whether it is the baggage of seeing porn, promiscuity before marriage or purity messages that made us feel like sex is dirty. We all buy into lies like “men only want sex”, “a woman that likes sex is a slut”, or “intercourse will satisfy every woman”. Many of us don’t really understand how our bodies work, how our spouse works or how to intimately connect during sex. Sex takes work and we need God’s help.
Many of us divide God from sexuality. We might know He created it, but surely, He doesn’t want to know about my sexual struggles. We somehow think that sexual sin is the unforgivable sin. Even after we ask forgiveness from God, we continue to punish ourselves. God cares about your sexuality. He wants you to be whole, and to experience freedom. He wants us to learn to create an intimate connection during sex. It models the intimacy God wants to have with us.
Over and over when I speak about sex, I have watched the walls fall down and the light bulbs turn. The best thing we do for our sex life is to involve God and to see His will. When we begin to believe that He cares and that He wants us to experience healing and freedom, people’s lives change. When we receive each other with love and grace then we act as the hands and feet of Jesus.
God’s Intent for Sex
The world has made sex into a God and twisted and distorted in until it is hardly recognizable. When you use God’s word as your guide you discover truth and freedom that will blow your mind. Song of Songs portrays sizzling connection brought to life by using all of the senses. At a time when women were anything but equals, Solomon’s bride expresses herself, asks for what she wants, day dreams about his body and plans an outdoor adventure for the two of them.
One of the most profound ways to discern God’s truth about sex comes from Eph 5:31-32. We learn oneness in marriage is a picture of intimacy with Christ. This concept will rock your world and dispel any lies you’ve believed about sex. Every assertion I hear about sex, I measure against intimacy with Christ.
One of the most shocking truths about sex comes from 2 Sam 12:24. After David and Bathsheba have lost their child, it says, “then David comforted his wife Bathsheba, and he went to her and made love to her.” Rather than wives feeling used through sex, God intended that we receive comfort from our husband.
God’s word even gives us insight into how we should have sex. Gen 4:1 Kjv says, “And Adam knew Eve his wife; and she conceived, and bare Cain.” God intended that we get to know each other through sex. This is the key to making sex exciting and meaningful for both husbands and wives. Sex is not just about getting to the finish line. God wants us to intimately connect during sex. That takes learning to be present, using our senses and focusing on the journey more than the destination. We have much to learn about God’s design for sex in marriage.
We must understand and embrace God’s radical truths about sex.
Equip
When I speak about sex, I don’t want to just teach. I want to equip and empower. Sexuality cannot be boiled down to a bunch of rules. We all come from our own backgrounds and baggage. We are constantly evolving and changing and so is our marriage. Together with God and our spouse we must learn to discern what is beneficial for us. I don’t have all the answers for you but God does.
Equipping means helping you move beyond just understanding sex with your mind, to putting things into practice. Much of sexuality feels hard to put into words. Song of Songs doesn’t instruct, it helps you visualize or feel. Rather than just communicate with words, I try to incorporate experiential exercises to bring concepts to life.
People can learn to enjoy the journey through mindfulness exercises that help them stay present. Rubbing versus feeling can help them understand how to get to know each other. Couples start to understand the dynamics of leading and following through hands on couples exercises. Group or couple mixer questions model how to open up the conversations that lead to great sex.
The most important long-term skill to create a great sex life is learning to talk about sex. Modeling open, healthy conversations about sex give us permission to talk not only to our spouse but to our kids, and even as a way to encourage friends. If we want change the culture of sex, then we must start have open conversations and equip others to do the same.
Final Thoughts
One of the reasons I love talking about sex is because it provides a wake-up call for change. When we feel stuck with no one to talk too, we give up and think, “this is just the way it is going to be.” God never intended for sex to be boring! It is supposed to get sweeter and sweeter with each year of marriage.
Things can change. They can be better. They can be amazing. But we need to believe it is possible and go after more. Quite often men or women that hear me speak follow up by taking an Awaken Love class. Over the course of 6 weeks, while supported by a community of people going after the same goal, real lasting transformation happens.
If you want to offer a new perspective on sex, invite me to come and speak to your group.
Open up the conversation of sex and see what God does.
The Author
Thanks. Praying that something works out.
Ruth