While figuring out how to have a better sex life with my husband, I found God—or should I say He found me. I’ve been a Christian my entire life. Besides a short stint of rebellion during college, I have always been connected to a church body. Still, my relationship with God was more intellectual then relational. I knew God with my mind, but not so much with my heart.
Going after intimacy with my husband helped me discover a deep intimacy with God. In the midst of insecurities, I’ve crawled up into God’s lap. As tears rolled down my cheeks from frustrations of growth, I’ve felt the steadiness and comfort of a Father that knows and understands me better than I know myself.I have fallen head over heels in love with Jesus. He has captured my heart, and the more I understand sex, the more I know who God is.
Sexuality and Spirituality
It might sound strange to talk about a connection between our sexuality and our spirituality. In fact, it might even feel wrong or sacrilegious. God and sex in the same sentence? How can that be?
Most of us have created a huge divide between our sex life and our faith. The world’s corruption of sex through pornography or media has caused us to disconnect great sex from faith. We safely stay inside the confines of being a “good girl,” or we reduce sex to procreation. If we do enjoy sex, we separate it from God. We pretend like God can’t see so we can play. Most of us cannot imagine that God would look upon us thoroughly enjoying freedom in our marriage bed and smile. But He does.
Sex Helps Us Understand God
God created sex not just to strengthen marriages but because it embodies who He is. God is a God of relationship– Father, Son, and the Holy Spirit–the same, yet unique. Man and woman were created the same– human, yet uniquely male and female. We were created as sexual beings and designed to yearn for relationship with God and with others.
Relationship with God does not necessarily come easily. We cannot physically touch God, smell Him, or hear Him speak to us . . . or can we? Is it possible that as we learn to let go of ourselves and enter into holy communion during sex, we learn what it means to let go of ourselves and enter into holy communion with God? Maybe one of the reasons God gave us sex was to help us understand how to connect with Him.
When I first studied Song of Songs as an allegory of God’s love for me, I remember thinking, “So when I have an orgasm, that point in time when I am thinking about nothing else–not how I look or what I sound like–but I’m just face to face with my husband and nothing else exists, that is what God wants with me.”
Surrendering to orgasm mirrors what it means to surrender ourselves to God. I stop worrying about what I look like or sound like. Instead of trying to accomplish a task, I just desire to meet with God. Time does not matter. I let go of control and expectations and open myself up to experience something new. Understanding what it takes to orgasm has helped me learn how to worship and simply commune with God.
God created sex to not only unite husband and wife but also to provide amazing pleasure through orgasm for both husband and wife. Orgasm helps us understand God’s character. He is not a stingy God. He is extravagant beyond our wildest imagination. In Song of Songs 5:1, God says, “Eat, friends, and drink; drink your fill of love.” In other words, get drunk on each other, and don’t hold back. In marriage, He offers wide open pastures to play. Within His boundaries of marriage, when we enjoy the pleasures He offers, we better understand His extravagant love. As we step into the freedom He desires for our marriage bed, we understand the freedom He wants to give us from or our own brokenness. When we understand His unconditional love, we begin to live out of a fullness and abundance of God’s blessings rather than a desperate attempt to measure up.
Sex with my husband also taught me the difference between checking God off the “to do” list and pursuing a heart connection. My husband has never wanted me to have sex for the sake of fulfilling my duties. If I just went through the motions, sex felt empty to him. My husband cared more about where my heart was than he did about having a sexual release.
Jesus made it clear to the Pharisees in Mathew 23 that God cares more about our hearts than our actions. For years, I felt guilty when I did not have my quiet time, read my Bible, or pray. God really just wanted me to fall in love with Him. He wanted to hear about my day when I struggled or help celebrate His blessings. God doesn’t want me to read my Bible just to check it off my list. He wants to speak to me through His Word and teach me who He is. God doesn’t care if I have quiet time at 7 am every day. He cares that I desire Him.
As I have fallen more in love with Jesus, prayer has changed from something I do to check off my list to having a constant conversation. I talk to God all day. When I need answers, encouragement, or truth, I read His word. When I feel empty, I worship Him. He restores my soul. God does not want to be part of your “to do” list. He wants you to fall hopelessly in love with Him.
Sex teaches us about intimacy with God. Think about the most intimate connection you have ever had with your spouse and imagine that God wants to love you that intimately. Pretty amazing.
The Author
Pretty amazing indeed. So many connections, so many parallels. Seems as though a lifetime can be spent discovering them; each driving us deeper into a greater understanding of who God is and what he desires of us. Is this the greater purpose of marriage (better understanding who God is and what he wants of us – an intimate relationship)? I think so. This is the difference between God’s design for sex and the world’s use of it. God’s purpose to know and be known by him (a never ending always growing purpose) vs. using and being used which leads only to a desire for greater and greater self gratification and farther away from God’s design.
amen
This is a truth I’ve shared with my children since they were 12,13 – just when peer pressure creeps in, and everything is unsettled. I still remind them even though they are grown, married, parents of my grandbabies. And those grandbabies will hear the same, if the Lord wills. God is not a task master. The bible is not a book of rules. It’s a story of love and grace and mercy. And more than anything else you can do or be God wants you to need Him! God wants you to adore Him! If you can wrap your mind around that, well, you’ll look at your life differently. What a story!
And, yes, I understood this better after being married 10 years.
God indeed wants us to connect to him always as husband and wife do un there daily living.. Sexual intimacy between two married persons is wonderful.
Before I discovered your blog, I had started using the word ‘communion’ to define sexual intimacy between my wife and I. Using the definition I found on Google, I couldn’t think of a better description of what sex with my wife is like: ‘the sharing or exchanging of intimate thoughts and feelings, especially when the exchange is on a mental or spiritual level.’ Those are powerful words befitting a powerful experience shared within spouses, and between them and God. I’m warmed in your use of the same word.
This is a great post, Ruth.
Thanks. I agree completely. This is actually part of a short excerpt from my book that is coming out this Fall.
Eager to learn more about the book!