I recently heard an interview on Sexy Marriage Radio about a woman whose story sounded similar to mine. A married engineer that spent years devaluing sex in marriage knew something needed change. While looking for answers, she discovered how much just talking to other women about sex encouraged her. This wife has since quit her job and devoted herself to helping women embrace their sexuality. Though on the surface our stories have an uncanny resemblance, our lives and mission differ drastically. God defines who I am, and what I do – not my sexuality.
Awaken
As I read her blog from the beginning, I related to many of her posts as her sexuality began to awaken. She wrote about learning to breathe until she felt it all the way “down there”. Rather than letting life pass by, she slowed down to savor small things like tasting the juiciness of a ripe strawberry. Communication opened up in her marriage, she realized lies about sex that impacted her, and she sought to understand her body. She even started a monthly meeting with 4 friends to help process how their past impacted their present and to spur each other on in growth. But what this woman did not have was God’s good boundaries to guide and protect her as she embraced her sexuality.
Sex is powerful. Tastes of freedom can feel like standing up in a convertible with our arms open wide, the wind in our hair and rejoicing at the top of our lungs. It feels so good, to finally be known, to not fear, that we go chasing after more.
In Song of Songs 5:1 God says, Eat, friends, and drink; drink your fill of love.
God doesn’t want us to hold back, but to freely enjoy our love together in marriage.
But what happen when we lose sight of God?
What happens when sexuality becomes our God?
On my journey to embrace my sexuality, I have had crossroads where I had to choose God, and trust His boundaries of one man and one woman. I have to constantly resist the urge to look where my eyes should not go, in the name of education. Rather than allow an open discussion on the blog that gradually grows more explicit and tantalizing, I have to heavily moderate comments. When my body doesn’t cooperate like I hope it does or I feel bored, I have to resist the temptation to bend the rules to create a little more excitement. I constantly guard my sexual thoughts and if something lands outside of God’s boundaries, then I to chose to stop dwelling on it, and refocus my attention on my husband. I must trust God, not my sexuality.
Don’t fall for chasing after the greatest orgasm by ignoring boundaries to get an adrenaline rush. Seek greater intimacy through vulnerability, honesty and spiritual connection with your spouse. Instead of proclaiming if “I feel it, then it must be okay”, seek to glorify God with your body, sexual intimacy in marriage, and everything that you do. God is God, and we are not.
The Fall
What started out as a beautiful story of this woman embracing her sexuality has resulted in her decision to have an open marriage and embrace bisexuality. It both makes me sad and it makes me pause. Because without God, that might have been me… Without God’s boundaries, she has chased after whatever feels good, fuels her mind with excitement, and provides the next adrenaline rush. She has opened herself up to anyone’s ideas about sex without a way to measure truth. God’s good gift of sex to create intimacy in marriage has been discarded and may lead to a never-ending path to pain and destruction.
Keep Guard
On your journey of sexual discovery and freedom, I urge you to constantly ask yourself, “
- Do I trust God with my sexuality?
- Am I bending God’s boundaries in the name of more sexual fulfillment?
- Can I imagine God smiling over us as we connect sexually?
Filter advice or information about sex through God’s truth. Pray and involve Him in your daily decisions and choices about sex. Embrace the freedom that He wants for you. Guard His design of one man and one woman -with your eyes, what you read, your thoughts, and activities. Don’t talk about sex in a way that will tantalize others or allow them to picture your marriage bed. Value intimacy and connection more than the largest orgasm.
Worship God, not His creation of sex.
The Author
I agree with you. God is first than sex. When God is in life sex become awesome…
Thank you Ruth for another insightful post. Patrick Carnes has written extensively about sexual addiction and states that one of the four core beliefs of a sex addict is “Sex is my most important need.” For many years I confused my desire for intimacy with my desire for sex. I thought I wanted sex but what I really wanted was intimacy. Now I find sex to be a very beautiful and important part of intimacy. Your encouragement to, “Seek greater intimacy through vulnerability, honesty and spiritual connection with your spouse.” is absolutely right on. It is the path to meaningful connection. When sex is vulnerable, honest, and accompanied by a spiritual connection, it leads to intimacy and meaning and purpose and fulfillment.
My wife and I are trying to grow in this type of intimacy. It is hard work. It is not a straight line. And it is worth it.
Amen
Hallelujah, Ruth:)
Great and very important post, Ruth.
I heard that podcast too and Correy and Pam got a fair bit of push back on that show later.
I am a bit like you in that I get curious and do “research” and have to be careful not to go places that are not helpful. However, I did listen to another podcast (not a Christian one) where this same lady and her husband shared very openly their journey.
Disclaimer here: I am by no means saying that the info you gave about her isn’t true, (I don’t know enough about her and her marriage) and I am not endorsing any of her advice, but I didn’t hear anywhere that they had an “open marriage” that would involve other partners.
I am a devout follower of Jesus and want to please him and be effective and fruitful in my Christian walk. However, when it comes to sexuality, where is that line we all are looking for?
Many bloggers and commenters on christian marriage blogs talk about what act or behavior is a greater or lesser sin (fill in the blanks). Is that truly what it’s about?
If we engage in things that hinder us from being most effective for Christ, is that a sin? Most of us would say “yes”. According to the Apostle Paul getting married then would be a sin because it burdens us with responsibilities and distractions. But at the same time he said: All things are permissible but not all are beneficial. Where is the line for that? Is “permissible” a relative term and how relative is it? And if something that generally would be seen as “not permissible” in our Christian society and culture ended up being “greatly beneficial”?
I can assure you that some of your writings and also comments on your blog are quite past my DW’s permissible line and she won’t read your blog because of it, even though she would see herself as VERY sex possitive. But she also doesn’t read allot of other blogs either. Yet she’s suggested things that most would say are not “permissible” and I’d say they were quite “beneficial”
When I look at the the lady you speak of and her relationship with her husband 10 years after she started her sexual journey of awakening, I don’t think there would be a single husband here that wouldn’t welcome a relationship like that. They sounded genuinely happy, open and honest with each other, solid, accepted and greatly supported by each other. Whatever “permissible” thing that she ventured into seemed to have been beneficial for them. It had brought back a confidence and acceptance of his sexuality and sex drive in her husband, which had vanished over their 20 year marriage due to her lack of interest and enjoyment and which had created a fear of being seen as a creep or pervert that many if not most (christian) husband deal with and why they stop initiating.
Please don’t take my comment as criticism of you personally! Not at all! I love what you do!
I just find so often that the line of “permissible” and “not beneficial” can be so far apart between different people and we have a tendency to push our view and understanding of these things on others.
Even this concept of making sex our God. While I think your ministry is amazing, many wonderful Christians see it as sex and sexuality having become so important in our lives that it has taken an importance higher then God.
But I have no doubt that He called you to it and encourage you to keep going!
While many choices and decisions about sexuality require discernment and an overall theme of loving each other, God very clearly states that marriage is between one man and woman. A choice to chase after more exciting sexual experiences by having an open marriage and exploring bisexuality is not a matter of permissible or beneficial. God’s boundaries are meant for our protection.
I totally agree and and never said that such activity was still inside of Gods boundaries or in any way permissible or beneficial.
God set very clear boundaries of ”between one man and one woman” and that’s all I heard in their story but I’m not saying there wasn’t more that wouldn’t fall under His boundaries. I don’t know all of their story and don’t share all of their values.
But “one man and one woman” may not always look the same to all people and that was part of my point. It’s not always as clear of a line as we wished it would be.
Case in point: A comenter here has a website attached to their name that is in large part about sharing intimate stories and experiences out of their marriage/bedroom and encouraging others to do the same, all in the name of Christian marriage. Some may say: great! I can learn from that kind of sharing. (Beneficial)
Others say that’s not “one man and one woman”.
Another line that isn’t so clear is, in pursuing sexual freedom and awakening our sexuality in or there to live life giving and satisfying marriages, when does this beautiful gift become a god for us?
Sorry to take so long to approve this. I was out of town for a while. Thanks for commenting and for pointing out that things are not always as clear as we may wish.
Jay – I read your comment with interest. I’m curious, you say you want to please God. I believe you are sincere and that it is coming from a good place in you. But is that what he’s asking for from you? What if he is not asking you to please him, rather, what if he’s asking you to trust him? Better yet, Oswald Chambers said, “Prayer is perfect and complete oneness with God.” Paul said, “But whoever is united with the Lord is one with him in spirit.” What if he is asking you to be one with him? What if he gave us sexuality so that we might understand a little about what that means?
Yes, I am sincere.
Yes, he’s asking me to trust him, and I do!
Yes, he’s asking me to have faith, because without it, it is impossible to please God (Heb 11:6) (So yes, I do want to please him!)
And yes, he desires for me to be one with him. And he uses rather unconventional ways to achieve that in my life. Many of which were not part of my very Christian upbringing, many of which do not fit into a good Christian box. And if sex symbolizes that oneness, (WHich I’m not denying) as you say, maybe we shouldn’t be throwing out everything that someone has to say on the subject because some of it doesn’t fit our Christian box.
It seems that those who make sex and sexual pleasure into a false god or idol often go further astray over time. God intended sex withing marriage (its proper place) to lead to greater connection between the spouses as it is more than just physical pleasure. Great post Ruth, and one that needs to be widely read.
I know God designed sex for marriage and it is a marvellous thing. I have been married for 30 years and I have never really understood the spiritual side to it. I love my husband, feel connected to him, but just don’t get the deep spirit filled, wonder everyone talks about on these blogs. Even the best orgasm I’ve ever had didn’t make me see it.