It was another one of “those times” – when I wasn’t interested in a plan B – but instead found my disappointment pouring out like a raging river of sobs. Failing to orgasm during intercourse, I curled into a ball and all” those” reasons started pouring through my head.
If I would just relax more….
If I wasn’t so controlling….
If I wasn’t so focused on orgasm….
If I could just surrender….
As if deep down, I believed Freud’s theory that the only mature orgasm was a vaginal orgasm. Maybe I did have deep psychological hang ups that kept me from experiencing the pleasure of intercourse with my husband.
Why is it that when our bodies don’t respond, women immediately question why they can’t surrender? Why do we as Christian wives somehow translate the problem to not submitting? As if we just learned to follow our husband, our bodies would magically respond because God would bless us.
I have become more and more sensitive to Christian sex books suggesting if women would just relax, stop trying to control things, surrender and tilt our hips a certain direction, everything will fall into place.Is intercourse really God’s way of teaching us to surrender? Is it really our fault?
I don’t think husbands have any idea what kind of battle women face as they negotiate how to enjoy sex.
Should we move like we need to move?
Should we lead in what is exciting and arousing to us?
Should we control our husband’s movement?
OR
Should we try not to control things?
Should we just try to relax and somehow surrender?
Can we enter into what they like?
It seems like either way we lose. The first path may lead to a greater physical enjoyment, but leaves a burden of guilt for once again controlling things. The second path leads to inconsistency and frustration.
Can you imagine a man feeling guilty for moving like he needs to move to have an orgasm? Can you imagine a man questioning if he has a deep psychological hang up every time he ejaculates before is wife cums.
Sometimes I really begin grasping at straws and think to myself, “if my husband would just lead better, than I could follow and my body would powerfully respond.” Now, you need to know that I have the most wonderful, considerate, loving husband that would do absolutely anything I asked and he has taken huge strides in leading me both in and out of the bedroom. But somewhere deep inside of me I still hold onto a romanticized picture of a man that will take me up against a wall as my body explodes with passion. It is fantasy, it is not real, and those are not real people, but that is a place that I visit when I am left wondering why.
Sometimes I get mad at God. If intercourse is the ultimate way to become One, why didn’t He make it work for all women? Why do we have to try so hard to feel pleasure? Why doesn’t the movement that our husband enjoys also rock our world?
I know – it is craziness. I teach classes on sex, I know all the statistics and I know how our bodies work. I give women advice, and yet I still struggle with what is right. If I just surrendered would everything just fall into place? Or maybe I already am surrendered, but that is not what causes or prevents orgasm.
Sex is the hardest thing that I have ever done. I have shed more tears over sex than any other issue in my marriage. During sex, I am more naked and exposed than any other time, and honestly I don’t have the answers to my questions. All I know is that my husband and I are on an incredible journey of getting to know each other – sometimes it is through ecstasy and sometimes it is through tears. Working on our sex lives has taken us from a good marriage to an incredible marriage and every one of those tears has been worth it. I do want my husband sometimes to lead and I pray that I will learn to enter into what he finds enjoyable without always having a better idea.
I know it sounds corny, but the only conclusion I can come to is, Don’t give up. Walk through the disappointments and struggles with your husband and lead him to not just knowing your body, but your mind and soul.
This speaks to me today, as I recently had this same battle raging inside me, again. It’s good to know I’m not alone.
Thanks Chris. I’ve decided that is definitely one of the reasons we write – so women know they are not the only ones.
True! Our stories have power because they speak to the stories and struggles in others.
If God just handed us the keys to mutual or simultaneous orgasms through intercourse, where would the fun be in that? Where would the journey be? Where would the growth and bonding come from? I think the key element in the Scriptural references to what a husband and wife should be lies not in the noun, but in the verb. “and they two shall BECOME one flesh”. So often, we focus on the goal- one flesh unity – that we ignore our part in “becoming”.
To the more mechanical side of things, it wasn’t UNTIL my wife took complete control that- after years of being sexual together, and months of specific focus on her orgasm through intercourse- we were able to accomplish this “feat”. I think most husbands would agree that the bedroom is one place we LIKE for our wive’s to be in charge. Perhaps the guilt lies with us for not expressing that to our wives more often. All I know is that the journey of adding this experience to our “one flesh” arsenal has been one of the most fulfilling and bonding experiences my marriage has ever underwent.
William,
I totally agree with all that you say, and yet the doubts still creep in at times. I am mostly trying to describe the internal battle that women face, that I am not sure men can relate to. I often wonder how men would handle it if they shoe were on the other foot.
Ruth
Well, in a sense, the shoe can be on the other foot. I suspect the same feelings that wives battle regarding not being able to “accomplish”, husbands battle by being unable to “endure”. I spent the last many years feeling like I would never be able to satisfy my wife through intercourse. In my mind (and hers), it had become something we did primarily for me, then we would take care of her after, in other ways. I did not believe I was “man enough” to hold back long enough for her to build up. So the feelings of inadequacy and brokenness can very easily be felt by a husband in this same set of circumstances. The mind games are very real in either spouse’s position.
Thanks for helping me to see that it is not always greener on the other side of the fence.
Ruth