Working on my sex life has been one of the hardest things I have ever done. Creating real intimacy, where I let my husband really know me, has caused me to depend on God.
I remember one night in particular about 6 years ago, when I felt frustrated with our lack of connection. As my husband snored, I lay awake tossing and turning, and finally dragged myself out of bed. I slipped on my coat, pulled my boots up, and went out to shovel the foot of fluffy white snow blanketing our driveway. As I blew off steam, my head replayed over and over the events that evening. Shoveling brought release, and the beauty of the snow softened my heart until I suddenly realized I was singing worship songs. And in an instant, a light bulb went off in my head.
My husband could never make me happy or meet all of my needs. Only God could fill the empty hole in my soul. As hard as he tried, my poor husband didn’t have a chance. He wasn’t able. Only God was able. I needed to depend on God.
Working On Your Sex Life
Working on your sex life will require you to get naked over, and over, and over again. It will require you to open up the deepest parts of your soul and let someone see you–all your faults, insecurities, wild crazy ideas, and what makes you feel sexy. And your spouse will let you down. No matter how much your husband loves you or how hard he tries, he will let you down. He will react the wrong way, say the wrong thing, and even look at you the wrong way– not because he wants to hurt you, but because he is human.
Your gut reaction will be to jerk back into hiding. If you want to keep creating intimacy, then you better hang onto God.
Get Your Worth From God
Christians often use the phrase, “Get your worth from God.” Sex will put it to the test. If you depend on your husband’s reaction during sex, then you may just give up. In order to vulnerably share yourself during sex, you have to have a steadiness that comes from knowing who God created you to be. Regardless of whether your spouse reacts the right ways, regardless of whether they expose themselves as much as you do, and regardless of whether they understand, we get naked because God calls us to be known.
I used to be afraid of letting anyone know me because I had a reputation to uphold. I was the good girl, the responsible one, the steady one. The more I realized just how broken I was and incapable of doing anything on my own, the more I realized I have nothing to lose. If I accomplish anything, it is because of God not me. There is a freedom that comes from understanding our own depravity. When we don’t have to try to be perfect, we can let ourselves b fully known– to God, to our husbands, and even to friends. When we stop hiding, we start living.
The best thing you can do to improve your sex life is to work on your relationship with Christ. To develop a love relationship and a dependency on Him. When our worth comes from God then we can open up to our very imperfect spouse.
The Author
I LOVE THIS!!!!! Such a well written piece, Ruth!!
Thank you Ruth for another insightful and encouraging post. While your comment is directed toward wives, I can attest that this is equally true for me as a husband.
For many years, I sought my validation as a man from my wife. Somehow I believed that if she would validate my masculinity by having sex with me that I would be or at least feel like a real man. I now know that this was impossible and hurtful to both of us.
I am now a man, a real man, because the Lord says I am. Sometimes I have to ask him to remind me of that truth frequently. He never fails me.
Thank you again and please keep up the good work!
Thank you for your comment, brother. As a husband, it’s encouraging.
Well written. Love the article and I feel it came just when I needed to read it. Thank you Ruth
Your Welcome. Glad it was helpful
Love this!! Love your blog. Thank you!
I relate to your story so much as a husband. Thank you Ruth
Thanks for this post .I loved it