The other night my husband and I had an awesome time connecting. I had gotten him to open up about a fun scenario that he found particularly enticing, and so naturally my wheels started turning. Really it wasn’t anything that took much planning. It was just catching hold of the small nuances that would take him back to that place we talked about. You know things like lighting, sleepwear, positions, ATTITUDE…But he knew that I had heard him, and he knew exactly where I was taking him. It was a great night!
Feeling Naked
The next morning I woke up feeling absolutely naked – like the skin had been stripped off of me – naked. It was as if I had been in a show and poured myself out and there was nothing left. It was like when I started teaching my classes on sex, and shared so much of myself, that I felt absolutely vulnerable and attacked afterwards. I was raw.
My husband immediately could tell something was up. He has gotten so much better at moving toward me when I am hurting. It didn’t take very long to open in conversation to him.
Why Me
My head was spinning… why do we have to be the ones that dress up, how come men never have to? Why do we have to be the ones to explain what we need? How come he never plans things?
I am not sure our husbands realize just what a vulnerable thing it is to put on lingerie, share our bodies, or take them somewhere. I love doing it, and I enjoy every minute, but sometimes I feel so vulnerable afterward.
Importance of Stretching
Now you could think that Satan attacked me or that I am on a pity rant and that might be true. But truthfully, I do want my husband to put himself out there for me. I want him to stretch himself in areas that I desire even when it is uncomfortable and may not be who he naturally is. For example… words…sharing his words to arouse me may not come naturally. You know what? Wearing lingerie may not come naturally, but I do it because I love him and in the end, I enjoy it too.
You need to know that I am married to a wonderful man, and we have both grown so much in the last few years. But I don’t think we ever arrive. We stretch each other as we allow ourselves to be known more, and desire more intimacy.
So as we become one, I stretch and groan and get to experience new delights as I strive to love him well. And in return, I ask that he stretches and groans as he gets to experience some new delights. Marriage is a 2 way street. Sex is a 2 way street. We are in this together and it never gets boring.
Don’t give up because it sometimes gets hard. Pause a minute and thank God for the growth you and your spouse have experienced. Celebrate and encourage your spouse in the small steps they take. And don’t settle for anything less that God wants for you.
Originally Published as Two Way Street on Jan 11, 2015
The Author
Ruth, I just want to encourage you to keep up the GREAT work you are doing and to be reminded that if Satan does attack you it must mean he is worried about the work you are doing. I pray for you often, because I love your work and pray that someday God will work the same kind of miracle in my marriage.
Please if you like this blog – pray for Ruth for strength and wisdom. Drop her a word of encouragement!
Jeff, I couldn’t agree more. I was just thinking about Larry Norman’s song, “Why should the devil have all the good music?”. Well, why shouldn’t Christians have the best sex? Well done Ruth. Praying for you now. There is such purity, hope, life and energy in what you write. I’m just wondering as a man whether I should recommend your site to my daughter who’s about to get married. I can’t share it with my wife but Id love her and her fiance to get off to a better start than we did. There’s lots of trouble with sex on the web but the goodness and good advice found on this site and others is just wonderful to read. Thank you.
I would love to put myself out there for my wife (though I don’t think I’ll be putting on any lingerie 😉 ). She, however, has simply said that she doesn’t have any new ideas about our intimate life, she has no scenarios she’d want to play out or fantasies to talk about. Nothing.
At this point, I’m the one bringing everything to the table. She’s never mentally engaged in any form of intimacy unless we’re actually in the act (and even then she never actually expresses any particular desires). Sex has become incredibly boring, and I have very little desire to pursue it any more. And if I’m not pursing it in our relationship, that means no one is.
Not to mention she’s ultra-ticklish, making oral sex and manual stimulation off-limits. We both know where our sex life stands–we’ve talked about it at length with me telling her how important it is, and her acknowledging it and promising to make a change. We’ve also tried so many ways of becoming more engaged in it; scheduling sex, trading off initiating, but for each attempt at change, her reluctance kills the attempt (she asks for a rain check if we’ve scheduled sex often, or she waits and waits and waits to initiate if its her turn).
It’s been 6 weeks six we’ve been intimate. 10 weeks since we’ve had sex. I would love to stretch and put myself out there for her. But after all our frank discussions, after years of trying to change the status quo, I’m tired of trying to make it any better. The ball’s in her court now.
PB,
I am sorry that your enthusiasm for connection has not been reciprocated by your wife. I can only imagine how hard that is, but don’t give up. God created you to intimately connect with your wife and to love her no matter what. Look for other ways to create intimacy. Pray for her and continue to communicate what God desires for sex.
Praying that God reveals to you a new way to love your wife.
Blessings, Ruth