I never thought that I would reach for my husband when I felt sad, stressed or overwhelmed. Things have drastically changed. Finding comfort through sex has been one of the most surprising results of figuring out this thing called SEX.
In Awaken-Love classes we talk about all the reasons that God created sex. The book Intimate Issues shares that one of the reasons is for comfort. After David and Bathsheba lost their child in 2 Samuel 12:24 it says, “Then David comforted his wife Bathsheba, and he went to her and lay with her.”
In class, I often ask if any of the women can relate to sex as a comfort. Often I hear about women comforting a husband because of a bad day at work, a job loss, or even a death in the family. We tend to think about sex being a comfort for men. Remember, this was David comforting Bathsheba, not Bathsheba comforting David. God intended sex to comfort wives, too.
Comfort Through Sex
A few women do share examples of sex being a comfort. Usually after the loss of a child or a parent. They talk about an explainable experience of healing thru becoming one with their husband. Sex reaffirms their covenant that they are in this together. They share how their bodies wake to feel again after being numbed by unbearable pain. Really these are amazing God times that gently reminded them that God is good. There is hope and healing in time. But I think sex is supposed to be a comfort even in the small every day challenges.
I don’t think women naturally think of sex as a source of comfort. In fact, I would say that when women are stressed out, insecure, or struggling with feeling sad, sex is the last thing on our mind. I remember getting totally stressed out about work projects. I would literally stiff arm my husband because I couldn’t be distracted by one more thing. On days that I was sad or disappointed, I would withdraw and pout. If my husband approached me, I was appalled that he would think about sex when I was in such a bad spot.
My Journey
The first time I experienced sex as a comfort was a conscious decision between my husband and I. Every night after teaching Awaken-Love classes, I would wake in the middle of the night filled with insecurities. How could I teach about sex. I was scared I’d say the wrong thing, and second guessed everything. After a few nights of this, we decided that we needed to have sex on nights that I taught. It was a way for my husband to connect with me and say, “I’m in this with you.” It was a way to disconnect my head from replaying over and over what I should have done different in class. Sex with my husband was a comfort.
Understanding Our Husband
Sometimes women in class bring up the unbelievable bad timing of a husband approaching them for sex , like after a disagreement . But what if our husband is trying to say, “I am in this no matter what, I am one with you.
When we are stressed out, maybe our husband knows what we need better than we do. What if he is trying to say, “just forget about it for a while and let go, I’ve got you.
When we are grieving and there are no words to take away our pain maybe our husband simply wants to love us and envelope us?
What if our husband is not just looking for a physical release. Even though he cannot put it to words, maybe he intuitively understands the importance and the power of sex?
Women often think that men are the ones that don’t understand that sex is more than physical. But sometimes I think wives are the ones that think that sex is just physical. We don’t understand the power of connecting as one to find refreshment, oneness, comfort and to just affirm we are in this together. Confront the lies that you believe about sex and give your husband the benefit of the doubt. When he reaches out because you are in a bad place, don’t assume he is just looking for a release. He may be literally trying to love you and say without even using words –
- I am here with you.
- Let me love you.
- Let me comfort you.
- Come away with me.
Is sex a comfort for you? How have you experienced it?
The Author
My husband and I found ourselves in the unfortunate situation of losing our baby through miscarriage. It was maybe not even a week afterward but I was on my side crying silently in bed next to him, I just couldn’t stop the tears, my heart just hurt so badly and he woke up. He put his arm around me but even him reaching for me could not console me or ease the raw grief in my heart. He started tugging on me and I knew what he wanted so I covered my face with my hands and started sobbing. The idea of sex was so charged with a negative feeling: This was how the life that ended had begun, that I couldn’t separate the 2. He stopped and lay back on his side of the bed silent for a few moments and when he draped his arm over me and started falling asleep I pushed his arm away. I was so upset. I wanted his comfort but I was angry with him at the same time for attempting something I felt was based in lust and totally ignoring my hurt feelings, THEN he goes to sleep. He asked ‘Dont you want me?’. I didn’t answer but I felt terrible anxiety and he rolled over and pretty soon I could hear him start to cry too for the first time since I’d known him. I felt bad so I pulled on his arm and I told him I was sorry but that I was still sore inside and he was smushing me but that I did want him. I asked him why he was crying and he said he felt ‘hopeless and he didn’t want me to be angry with him because he felt partly to blame’. I tugged on him again to reassure him and he wiped his face and carefully climbed over me and I let him make love to me. Even his weight on me felt good and the conflicting feelings I had went away and we both took comfort in each other. I felt satisfied and quieted afterward and I fell asleep in his arms easily for the first time since my loss. It was sort of awkward in the morning but he told me he needed to connect with me and afterward our sex habits changed somewhat. Whereas we would initiate sex, upon going to bed, during that period we would fall asleep and then one of us would wake up and approach the other. I didn’t refuse him when he’d wake me because I felt it was important and I did in fact feel a deeper connection to him over that aspect. Conversely he never refused my advances either, he could tell that I needed him and he would comfort me that way so I could fall back asleep. I should mention that our love making took on a more tender quality, my husband was very concerned for my comfort and well being and he would hold me right afterward and stroke my hair and kiss my forehead. This was the silver lining in our loss and we bridged it in the act of love among other things and it really did help cement our bond during that terrible time.
Sandra,
Thank you for sharing your amazing testimony. I pray God’s continued comfort for your loss and that He would bless you.
Ruth
I got news yesterday that my father is ill and on life support. After tears and talking to family members, all I could think of was the fact I needed to be held and comforted. My husband (bless his heart )felt bad and didn’t want to touch me. Figuring that maybe I didn’t want it. I cried. I needed to feel wanted. I need the emotional connection. We were intimate and it was amazing. It’s a bond between two people and really not all physical .
So sorry for the bad news about your father. How amazing to receive comfort in your husband’s arms. I wish that everyone understood what a gift sex is.
I suppose it might work for some, but my libido is non existant when it comes to stress, illness and exhaustion. Cuddling and other forms of intimacy are welcome though.