Awaken Love Sex Classes in Kenya

Last Saturday morning at 6:00 AM I woke to teach Awaken Love.

Whoah!! That’s a little early to talk about sex, isn’t it??!!

Not if the women live in Kenya, where the time was 3 pm in the afternoon.

Lily started leading the Awaken Love class in Kenya 5 weeks ago and she had asked if I would zoom in for one of their sessions .  In the class were 8 women – some friends of Lilies, others new acquaintances – all on a mission to learn about sex and create more intimate marriages.

Lily found me last June when she read a review of my book  Awaken Love on Gary Thomas’ website. She runs an online book club in Kenya to encourage women to read books to strengthen themselves and their relationships. She is a true pioneer that is unafraid to dream big and ask with great expectation that God will move!

After leading her book club through Awaken Love, Lily became convinced that she needed to lead a 6 week Awaken Love class that would allow for a deeper dive. I was happy to set up access for Lily to study the video classes and encouraged her to adapt the curriculum as needed. Friends of mine delivered copies of Awaken Love to Nairobi on their way to their mission trip and the pieces slowly came together as Lily and her team continued to pray and trust God in the details.

Along the way I received email messages from Lily …

Oct

I have been struggling with setting up the class. Suddenly I feel so inadequate for the task. I feel too small for what is ahead of me. Pray with us even as we set the date to be mid November. May God give me courage and strength to accomplish what he so desires in his people. Have a blessed day.

Nov

We have pushed the date to January.

I saw the location which we shall use for the classes last week and it is quite a serene place, tucked away somewhere private and accessible. I am assured, the plans are still underway. Pray. Pray for our first participants. We have started recruitment. Sending posters out and trusting God that we will get the numbers. (Not many – even 10 will do.)

Jan

If I had wings to fly, I would have flied to where you are now, just to give you a warm hug to express my joy and gratitude for what your words are doing to women and their marriages.

God gave me strength to start the classes. We had an introductory class and women shared what made them enroll.

We are 8 ladies, 3 will join us virtually while the rest will be meeting physically.

These are the reasons why they chose the class

  1. Feeling of stagnation in their marriages 
  2. Lack of connection in their marriages
  3. The idea that sex should be done for the man
  4. Keeping to self and denying the husband intimacy (i bet this is a direct translation from swahili)
  5. Being forbidden while young then joins the Marriage union with high expectations then feels its a let down, one withdraws, and sex grows cold.

Lily is right. The reasons that marriages struggle with sex are universal.

So at 6 AM  Saturday morning, I dragged myself out of bed, tiptoed into my office and waited for the flickering screen of zoom to let me into the call in Kenya. Though excited, as a middle class white American, I couldn’t help but wonder how the Awaken Love class would translate to women in Kenya.

Just Like Us

But as the women shared their stories, I soon realized they struggled with many of the same things that we do. Some feel like sex is a duty, others wish their husband wanted more sex. Many struggled to see their genitals as beautiful, or something to appreciate and understand. Some questioned whether oral sex is a loving way to connect, or a sin. They all understand the challenges that come from lack of privacy. Some needed help understanding the intricacies of different erogenous zones and how to engage them to create pleasure. They all had very busy lives filled with work, homemaking, and raising kids – yet they chose to devote 6 weeks to understanding sex and improving their marriages. Ladies, we are in this together. If we have the courage, we can claim the freedom that God wants for us.

Regardless of where we live, our social economic background or how old we are, God has a design for sex, that will challenge us, grow us, and can create deep connection . We are all impacted by things that make sex challenging. Awaken Love classes are a powerful resource to begin moving towards the intimacy God wants for us. If you are ready to make a difference for struggling marriages, email me and we can pray and talk about the possibilities. Don’t be afraid to dream big. Our God is powerful.

Future Plans for Awaken Love in Nairobi

Lily is already planning to offer another Awaken Love class in Kenya in March, and that is just the beginning. If you know of a woman in Nairobi that might benefit from Awaken Love, please email bookclublily@gmail.com to find out more information about upcoming classes. Pray for my friend Lily and the women in Nairobi as they claim God’s design for sex.

Awaken Love Class Opportunities

With Ruth

For Wives Starting April 6, Wednesdays at 12 central time meeting over Zoom for 6 weeks

For Wives Starting April 4, Monday Nights at 7 pm meeting in Plymouth, MN for 6 weeks

Email Ruth.awakenlove@gmail.com for more information or to sign up!

With Stacey

For Wives over Zoom Starting March 7th, Mondays at 6:30 – 9 pm central time

Email slwelman@gmail.com for more information or to sign up!

With Lily

For Wives  in Kenya

Email bookclublily@gmail.com for more information or to sign up!

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by Ruth Buezis February 28, 2022
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Struggles Create Opportunities for Growth

First, I need to apologize for not following up on my last post sooner. I wrote this a while ago, forgot to post it, and have struggled to face it again. Please forgive me.

My Herpes diagnosis last May created additional struggles in our marriage, but they weren’t really new issues.
My diagnosis just amplified the dynamics that our relationship had always operated under. The added stress of going through the crises brought to light my insecurities, bitterness and anger that raged deep inside and that have been simmering for years. Dealing with herpes is a total bummer, but our struggles have created an opportunity for growth. Rather than just finding a new normal, I am choosing to go after deep healing that will have a much greater impact then my diagnosis.

Realities of Herpes

During a Herpes outbreak, virus levels soar and the chance of spreading the virus increases. Any contact with saliva can pass along the virus. So, in May when I had my outbreak, Jim and I immediately made what some might call drastic changes.

I stopped helping with food prep or even setting the table. Hand washing happened often, with towels designated for my use alone. Jim and I stopped sharing food, drinks or even tooth paste. Helping in the kitchen consisted of me clearing dirty dishes.

As far as physical intimacy, the choices felt even harder. I wanted Jim to decide what he felt comfortable with. After all, I was the one with herpes and he was not. My husband catching herpes would only complicate things. Kissing stopped, all forms of sex stopped and even hand holding stopped. Even though these choices made me feel very alone, I also understood them. During my initial outbreak and my mouth wracked with pain, sex wasn’t exactly the first thing on my mind.

Loneliness Set In

Several weeks later as my body began to heal, the loneliness began to grow. I had given Jim all power of choice in order to help him feel safe and yet I could hardly stand it. I felt untouchable, unlovable and in many ways abandoned. Night after night, I would lay in my husband arms, he would gently kiss the top of my head good night and then I would quietly cry myself to sleep.

How long were we going to remain like this? Was he ever going to bring up a conversation about sex? Couldn’t we at least creatively connect through things like mutual masturbation? I could feel my blood begin to boil and disdain grow at his silence.

Now to be fair, my husband and I were traveling at the time and had just hosted his mom’s memorial service. Jim had a lot going on, and my herpes diagnosis had come out of the blue and shocked both of us. Jim longs for nothing more than to make me happy, and yet he couldn’t cure my herpes. I can imagine how painful it felt for him to hear me grieve. He must have felt overwhelmed.

But with each day my feelings of abandonment and anger about the lack of communication and connection continued to grow. When I tried to help Jim understand how desperate I felt for some kind of conversation that would instill hope, he listened but nothing changed.

A week later I lost it.  With adrenaline pulsing through my veins, I looked my husband squarely in the eyes and calmly told him something I never imagined I would say, “I hate you!” And then with the expletives flying. I let him have it.

Our Dynamics

My husband and I have this unhealthy dynamic in our marriage. We get along great for a while. Then I start thinking that he should lead more or talk more so I kind of hang back hoping that he will step up. Eventually I get impatient and upset and bring up my complaints. He apologizes and says he’ll try harder and then we go back to the beginning.

What played out because of my herpes diagnosis wasn’t any different than our usual dynamic, it was just amplified about 1000 times.  And as I repeatedly entered into this desperate, crazy, angry attempt at waking my husband up to care for me, all I could think was, “This is not who I am! And this is not who I want to be!”

What I Want

My husband may never change, but I do not want to be an angry, bitter wife that can never see the good things about her husband. I want to honor my husband and respect the journey that he is on. Rather than letting things build, I want to communicate my needs clearly in a loving way. But I also want to be ok, when Jim doesn’t meet those needs. I want to have compassion for Jim and inspire him to greater strength to be the man that God created him to be. I love my husband and I want to live that out.

Now I don’t need to tell you all the messy details of what happened as we worked through my diagnosis of herpes, our lack of intimacy, my husband’s passivity, and my anger, but I will tell you that we are in a much better place. In fact, it would be easy to just write off my episodes of rage and chalk them up to the stress of the situation.

But I don’t want to just forget what we went through or how I acted. Because even though this crisis has passed, I know that we will face hard times again. I believe that how I acted during my herpes diagnosis was a window into the brokenness inside of me. I have things to work on and my struggles are an opportunity for growth.

Opportunity for Growth

Last Fall I started seeing a counselor and I have realized just how hard I am on myself. In the past I might have said, “I had to see a counselor”, because I am so pathetic. Today because of the work I am doing, I say, “I get to see a counselor”. You see, it does not serve me or anyone else to beat myself up. I had a choice, and I chose to seize this opportunity for growth. Seeing a counselor comes from a place of strength, courage and health, not from weakness, fear or brokenness.

In order to love others well, I must learn to love myself well. When I learn to take an honest look at myself and extend compassion, then I can see others honestly and extend compassion to them. I want to love my husband, my kids, my friends, my family, and the people that I minister to with a deeper more profound love.

My struggles created an opportunity for growth. I get to see a counselor to help me become a more loving person. And it is super hard work, but in the long run, I know that it will be worth it. I am seizing the opportunity.

Announcements – I am super excited to teach Awaken Love in April with limited spots available.

For Wives Starting April 6, Wednesdays at 12 central time meeting over Zoom for 6 weeks

For Wives Starting April 4, Monday Nights at 7 pm meeting in Plymouth, MN for 6 weeks

Email Ruth.awakenlove@gmail.com for more information or to sign up!

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by Ruth Buezis January 27, 2022
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When Life Turns Upside Down

In May, I woke up excited to spend the day playing with my 5-month-old grandson. At lunch I felt a little achy, and by the afternoon I resorted to laying on the couch. That evening, my fever finally confirmed that I was sick. But it wasn’t until a couple of days later that my life turned upside down.

The next morning, I woke up feeling like I’d been hit by a Mack truck. Gingerly I walked down stairs, feverish and achy. When my husband came to great me with a hug, I forcefully exclaimed, “DON’T TOUCH ME!” I felt awful. Yes, I had normal flu like symptoms, but over riding any normal discomfort, my mouth was a nightmare. I had sores on my tongue, my lips, the roof of my mouth, my throat and my gums felt like they were on fire. The pain in my mouth felt excruciating.

For 2 days I laid on the couch, trying to rest and let my body heal. Everything hurt. Getting sustenance involved swallowing a few bites of bland soft food followed by a desperate rinse of water to calm the pain. With my lymph glands swollen and no end in sight, I finally dragged myself to urgent care to find some answers.

After hearing my symptoms and taking a look in my mouth, I am guessing that the doctor immediately new my diagnosis, but I was not in the least bit prepared.

Herpes

As my mind raced, she gently explained, “we’ll test you to make sure, but you most likely are having a herpes outbreak. The first outbreak, you can get pretty sick with flu like symptoms and sores in your mouth. If you have more outbreaks, they won’t be near as severe, just the typical symptom of an open sore around the outside of your lips or nose….”

HERPES.

How is that possible? I’ve been married to the same man for 34 years.

HERPES!

Incurable. What I learned about in health class. Using condoms. I will always have it. I could pass it to my husband, my kids, my grandson. Herpes. What the HECK!

In that moment, my life turned upside down. I felt like I had just been given a diagnosis of Leprosy, I became the untouchable. With my body currently filled with high levels of the virus, life changed in an instant. No more sharing beverages, or tasting someone else’s desert. My husband stepped in to cook and serve our meals, while I quietly took care of the dirty dishes. Afraid that I might kiss my grandson by accident, I chose not to hold him for a while and watch him from afar.

My official diagnosis was Type 1 Herpes – the type typically spread by kissing, or sharing a tooth brush, or utensil, and resulting in sores around the mouth.  But these days, with sexual practices like oral sex, type 1 Herpes can also spread to the genitals.

I retreated from physical touch with my husband to empower him to make choices about his exposure to the virus. Hand holding stopped. Kissing became non-existent. Sex stopped. We had things to consider. Instead of the freedom we had enjoyed, sex might now require careful protection to prevent spreading the virus.  He felt angry, guilty and afraid. I felt dirty and abandoned. It was a dark time.

The Basics

I have no idea where I picked up Herpes.  Two thirds of the world’s population carry Herpes -1 and most of them were exposed during childhood. I might have had herpes all along and something triggered an outbreak. Or maybe I picked it up from a server at a restaurant. Regardless of how I got herpes, I now have it, and the question becomes how do I continue to live while protecting my family from this highly contagious virus.

Now I am going to pause right here, and acknowledge that many, many people have herpes – whether type 1 or type 2. For you, herpes might be a huge struggle, or, herpes might not be a big deal because it has always just been part of your life. I don’t want to judge your journey, or make you feel like it is a bigger deal than it is. I just want to share my story and acknowledge that for many of us herpes is a part of our life.

Whether we struggle constantly with outbreaks, or we never have another one, Herpes does not go away. We can reduce the risk of passing on the virus, but we cannot guarantee that we will not spread it to the people we love. Online information about living with herpes recommends things like always using a condom during sex or oral sex.

Yes, life goes on after a diagnosis, but life does not remain the same. In an instant, life changes and we are forced to have hard conversations, make adjustments, and to grieve the life we left behind.

Final Thoughts

You may not face a herpes diagnosis, but most of us will face at time when it feels like  your life just turned upside down. You might face a diagnosis of breast cancer, arthritis, diabetes, heart disease or some other health issue. Or maybe you finally wake up to the fact that you must battle an alcohol, porn or drug addiction in your marriage. A job change, moving to a new home, or a car accident can send you spinning. Even caring for a prodigal child, special needs child or elderly parents can add huge challenges to intimacy in marriage. Many things can test our commitment to intimacy and a great sex life in marriage.

One of my husband’s favorite verses is James 1:2-3 which says,   When troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. 

Even thought my diagnosis of herpes feels like my life turned upside down, I am not giving up. I know that God is going to grow my husband and me through the hard. Life will be different but God has a plan and He is good.

I just want you to know that you are not alone.

(This is first of a 3 part series)

 

Married Sex Online Conference

It is not too late to sign up for the online Married Sex Conference.  Over 25 Christian leaders are joining forces to speak life into your marriage and your sex life. You can listen the talks at your convenience for an entire year, and you will receive a free hard copy of Gary Thomas’s and Debra Fileta’s new book Married Sex. Use code: MARRIEDSEX10 at checkout, to get 10% off the regular admission price

Sign up Now

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by Ruth Buezis September 30, 2021
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Equipping Pastors to Talk About SEX

During my years of teaching men and women about sex, I’ve often thought, I would love the opportunity to speak to pastors about what I’ve learned in classes. Most pastors want to help marriages, but many of them may not understand the impact of their silence, awkwardness, or messages. Many of the resources that they’ve looked to for direction in the area of sexuality are skewed towards men and ignorant about the needs of women. So, when the opportunity to record classes that address the topic of sexuality in order to equip pastors came up this summer, I jumped at it.

Mini Courses

I’ve been preparing for a couple of months now and have outlined 3 Mini Courses. Each course has 9 separate topics and I will create a 12-15 minute video for each topic – a total of 27 topics.  Filming takes place this week on Thursday, Friday and Saturday I will teach 2 course live to a group.  Though I am super excited, I know that I have a lot on my plate.

My 3 Courses are

  • Understanding God’s Design for Sex
  • Opening Up the Conversation of Sex in the Church
  • 9 Messages the Church Needs to Hear About Sex.

Here’s a small preview of one of the courses…

9 Messages the Church Needs to Hear About Sex – both corporately and individually.

  1. Our Sexuality Should Always Lead Back to God
  2. God Created Sex for Wives as Much as Husbands
  3. God Wants to Provide Healing – Even in the Area of Sexuality
  4. Simple Answers About Sexuality Don’t Always Exist – Equip and Challenge God’s Involvement
  5. We all Need to Acknowledge Our Own Challenges Addressing Sex
  6. God Never Intended Sex to Become a Duty
  7. Creating an Amazing Sex Life that Lasts a Lifetime Does Not Just Happen – It Takes Hard Work
  8. Porn is a Huge Problem That Must Be Faced Head On – We Battle Porn with Intimacy
  9. We Need to Stop Pointing Fingers at Others – Is Your Marriage Something that Others Want to Emulate?

Eventually I hope to spend time breaking down some of the topics in blogs. But the Mini Course videos will also be available to equip pastors and lay people at Christian Leaders Institute  for Free.

Equipping and teaching pastors is both a huge privilege and a giant responsibility. I am praying that God would give me energy and passion and that the stories I share will communicate God’s truth .

Will you please pray for me as I encourage pastors to step into speaking truth about sex. Will you pray for soft hearts to hear the message and courage to take up the torch?

Wives

Join me for 6 weeks of transformation by signing up for an Awaken Love Class. Check out my schedule for zoom and in person classes.

Married Sex Conference

Don’t forget to sign up for the online Married Sex Conference. They have an AMAZING line up of Christian speakers that you can listen to for an entire year, and you will receive a free  hard copy of Gary Thomas’s and Debra Fileta’s new book Married Sex.

Use code: MARRIEDSEX10 at checkout, to get 10% off the regular admission price

Sign up Now

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by Ruth Buezis September 8, 2021
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Here I Am Again

It always feels awkward to start writing after being absent for so long.

I could blame it all on Covid, but honestly, I was about at the breaking point anyway. I needed to just breath a bit – to have the freedom to struggle in my own marriage and sex life without feeling like I needed to write about it, or glean some deep understanding to share. Truthfully, I am just like you. A broken person that sometimes struggles with sex and marriage: that becomes self-righteous, critical, demanding, and darn right nasty.

This Spring I really scared myself. I got so angry at my husband that I suddenly didn’t know who I was. With tears streaming down my face I remember thinking afterward, “that is not who I am, and not who I want to be!” How in the world did I get here?

You don’t need to know the details. What you need to know is that I am reaching out for help. Because what boiled out of me in those moments of anger was not just about my husband. I have wounds deep in my soul that need healing and I will not miss this opportunity. So I am diving into some really hard work and I have no doubt that God is going to meet me in the middle of my mess.

Awaken Love Ministry

As far as Awaken Love, I have been wrestling with what God wants. Marriage ministry can feel overwhelming. Sometimes I feel completely inadequate, other times I feel so sure of God’s calling in my life. Keeping my heart soft to hear peoples hard stories while not carrying their burden requires constant surrender to God. Though I know that Awaken Love is important ministry, I cannot and will not continue without God’s blessing and protection.

A couple of months ago, I wasn’t sure I would ever write about sex again, and now here I am. Though I won’t make any promises about how often I will blog, or what I will write about, it does feel good to put my thoughts… my feelings…. my life… to pen.

What God gives me and breathes into me, I share with you. And so even though it feels a little terrifying, here I am again.

Now for Some Exciting Awaken Love News!

I am so excited to be part of the AMAZING line up of Christian Speakers, Authors, and Pastors  for the ONLINE conference Married Sex.

Check out some of the topics you’ll hear covered at the conference:

  • How to Prioritize Sex in Busy Seasons — Levi and Jennie Lusko
  • How to WOW Your Spouse: Sexual techniques, tips, and tricks — Ruth Buezis
  • Awesome Sex For a Lifetime! — Dr. Kim Kimberling
  • Dealing with a High Drive vs. Low Drive Spouse — Dr. Corey Allan
  • How Porn Impacts Marriage — Dave & Ashley Willis
  • A Great Sex Life in the Stage of Raising Young Kids! — Cait & Cole Zick
  • How Your Past Bagagge Impacts Your Sex Life, and How to Break Free- Lisa & John Bevere
  • Why God Says Sex is Good – Christine Caine
  • The Five Senses of Sex – Gary Thomas
  • Your Sex Problem Might Be a Relationship Problem IF… – Debra Fileta
  • AND SO MUCH MORE
Sign Up use code: MARRIEDSEX10 at checkout, to get 10% off the regular admission price
Full of comprehensive, practical, and helpful resources we want to help you create the sex life you want. Access the material for an entire year on your own schedule, and walk away with a solid understanding and renewed appreciation for married sex – God’s way!
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by Ruth Buezis September 2, 2021
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Zoom Awaken Love Classes Offered Soon!

Zoom Classes with Ruth Coming in January

If you have always wished you could take an Awaken Love class, now is your chance. This January, I am hosting classes over zoom so that anyone in the world can join.  Classes will be kept to a maximum size of 12 participants so don’t wait to sign up.

Learn God’s truth, strengthen your marriage and transform the culture of sex in the church starting from the ground up.

 

Awaken Love for Wives

Tuesday Lunch Time meeting Jan 5, 12, 19, 26, Feb 2, 9 from 12:30 – 2:00 pm US central time.

Or

Wednesday Night meeting Jan 6, 13, 20, 27, Feb 3, 10 from 7:00 0 8:30 pm US central time.

Cost of 6 classes is $20, plus buy your own copy of Awaken Love on Amazon. Email Ruth at ruth.awakenlove@gmail.com to sign up and get the special registration link,

To learn more about classes go to Awaken Love for Wives.

 

Men’s Edition

Wednesday nights meeting Feb 17, 24, March 3, 10, 17, 24 from 7:00-8:30 US central time

Cost of class is $20. Email Ruth at ruth.awakenlove@gmail.com to sign up.

To learn more about classes go to Men’s Edition

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by Ruth Buezis December 7, 2020
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Zoom – Taking Awaken Love Classes Online

Recently I offered my first Awaken Love class for wives on Zoom. To be honest, I wasn’t super excited about it, because I love teaching in person. I had a hard time imagining how we could create the same safe environment to share, encourage and pray for one another over a computer screen. But I was pleasantly surprised. Using Zoom for class created a terrific way to connect personally while maintaining a certain degree of anonymity. Class was fun, rewarding, and trans formative for the women. More importantly, using zoom will make Awaken Love available to more women around the world.

Already I am planning to start another 6 week Awaken Love Zoom class on Wednesday May 27th. So if you are interested check out the details and send me an email to sign up. I am looking forward to meeting wives from all over the world that want to create an amazing sex life with their husband.

If you want to know more about how a Zoom class works, then read on…

Zoom Class

The first night of Zoom class, introductions quickly disclosed a fun diversity to our Minnesota core of women – Alabama, Texas, Carolina and even Australia joined in. In our group of 11, marriages ranged from a few months to over 30 years.  Some women wanted a fresh start, others were in the middle of rebuilding, some struggled to hang on, and others were finally ready to work on their sex life after ignoring it for years.

How it Worked

To maximize class time, we focused on discussion to help create community. I asked the women to watch the Awaken Love videos before each class to get the bulk of the teaching. During class we talked our way through Song of Songs, each shared our answers to the mixer questions, and checked in on our progress.

Teaching focused on the main content and deeper insights. I tried to leave time and space for questions beyond the scope of the curriculum. Every one participated and the women quickly became more comfortable sharing about their own situations while searching for answers. For these women, talking with other Christian women with a degree of anonymity over Zoom helped bring freedom.

The most rewarding part of class has been hearing and seeing how God is working. I am always shocked at the overall transformation of the group after just a few weeks. One wife started class critical of her husband but gradually softened. She now chooses to affirm the small ways her husband is trying. Another wife with past sexual abuse is experiencing increased intimacy with her husband during sex. A woman that carried years of shame recognizes she needs to forgive herself for her lost innocence. The changes in the women are visible and though some might not notice, I see their transformation both individually and as a community of women in Christ. They talk easier, linger longer, and their hope is evident. Small step of change that happen when we intentionally take a step can spur on radical transformation.

Moving Forward

With only one week left, already the women are asking about next steps to continue the journey. Many great resources exist to help, Christian sex blogs like Hot Holy and Humorous, The Forgiven Wife, Intimacy in Marriage, Oysterbed7 or Podcasts like Java with Juli, Sexy Marriage Radio or One Extraordinary Marriage. But women also need to cultivate a supportive community, and thus the importance of facilitating an Awaken Love video class with friends.

I constantly hear testimonies of how Awaken Love has impacted women because a friend dared to facilitate a video class. Around the Twin Cities, many women have heard about Awaken Love and hosting classes. In other a areas, a few dedicated women constantly host classes because they have witnessed the transformation.

If you have never taken a class and want to know what Awaken Love is like in a group, join me for a Zoom class. You will not regret the time you invest in your marriage because we all have things to learn and areas to grow. Catch the vision and don’t miss out. Only 12 seats available!

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by Ruth Buezis May 12, 2020
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Understanding Connection During Sex

Recently a friend asked how to make sex better. She said, “We both know how to enjoy sex, but sometimes it feels like we are worlds apart. How do we actually connect during sex?” I’ve written a lot about connection during sex, because I believe that is ultimately what we want, and what God intended. But step by step instructions don’t really work for something like connection. In fact, step by step instructions might make matters worse. Nobody can teach you how to connect. You have to feel your way there. But finding parallels can provide understanding and open us up to new avenues. Your relationship with God provides the most powerful road map to the sex life that you want.

Just think about your prayer life…

Self-Focused

When we learn to pray, we spend most of our time talking. Letting God know our needs, what we are struggling with, asking Him for help, or praying for people that we care about. The conversation is self-focused because life revolves around us. Even the act of prayer happens out of our desire to be righteous. We pray because we should and because we have been taught it is good for us.

Beginning to Listen

Eventually we begin to understand that the world doesn’t just revolve around us. We begin to listen to God as much as talk to Him. God has things to speak into our lives, to encourage us, to challenge us, and even to convict us. Prayer is not just an important thing to do to be a good person. Prayer is a life line that fills us up, comforts us and teaches us. We begin to understand that prayer is not just good for us. Prayer changes us.

Connection

As we pursue Christ, we eventually move from talking and listening, to just being. We sit in the presence of God and marvel in His glory. We feast in His goodness. Freed from having to do something, ask questions, or learn, we can simply be with Him. Though we might not talk, and he might not say a word, a gentle, indescribable knowing happens. He knows you, He delights in you, and that brings joy.

What About Sex?

The progression of sex happens in much the same way.

We start by worrying about ourselves or our performance. We want sex to be great both for ourselves and our partner so our thoughts of what we should or shouldn’t do over ride our connection. We are on the quest for the perfect technique, the best orgasm,  and the magic formula – all the while missing out on the simple pleasures of the moment. In the midst of such busyness, do we even see or feel our lover?

Eventually we wake up and learn to listen to our spouse. The myth of us naturally knowing what to do shattered, we seek answers from the source. Communication increases, both verbal and non-verbal and we tune into each others clues for direction. We must re-acclimate to the tug and pull of listening to our spouse and still hearing our own desires. Neither one more important, but both valued.

Eventually we move beyond just fulfilling each other’s needs to find thrill and excitement from just being with each other. Connection creates as much excitement as mechanics. To suddenly realize that your spouse sees into the deepest crevice of  your soul both terrifies and thrills. It is not just the orgasm that produces such pleasure, but the knowing of the one you share it with.

Final Thoughts

Connection requires trust, self-knowledge, the ability to hear from each other, learn from one other, and vulnerability. But connection does not happen when you are still wrapped up in getting to the finish line, or providing the most magical experience for your spouse. Connection happens when you dare to be still together, courageously open yourself, see each other, and go somewhere together.

How have you discovered connection during sex?

I have a zoom Men’s Edition 6 week class that starts tomorrow. We meet Thursdays from 7:30- 9:00 pm Central time. If anyone would like to join us, just email me at ruth.awakenlove@gmail.com for more details.

This entry was published on and was updated on / Ruth Buezis. Posted in Mirror of Intimacy, The Sex You Want. Bookmark the permalink.
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by Ruth Buezis April 8, 2020
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Does Sex Restore Your Soul

It has been a strange couple of weeks filled with highs, lows and acclimating to a new reality. The Coronavirus has changed the way we live and directly impacted thousands of lives. If you are going through really hard things, I pray that God will meet you in the midst and that you will experience a comfort that only comes from Him.  Though my life has not been directly impacted, life in general has felt like a bit of a roller coaster.

Highs

Just three short weeks ago I was coming off of an amazing weekend of sharing about Awaken Love. I had been invited to teach a break out session at a large women’s conference called Set Apart. The conference theme Rest for your Soul inspired the title of my session, “Does Sex Restore Your Soul”.

Women packed my sessions, from wise gray-haired grandmothers to young singles. They came looking for God’s truth and real conversations about sex. After sharing my story, we tackled 6 of the most common lies that make sex feel like a duty – rather than something that restores our soul.

Lies like…

  • Sex is for Men
  • It is all about the destination
  • Sex will magically fall into place
  • We need to protect ourselves from our husband
  • Sex is just physical
  • God may have created sex, but He doesn’t really bless it or want to be involved

These common lies seep into our thinking without us even noticing. They warp what we believe about sex and fool us into missing out on a powerful gift that can transform our marriage from surviving to thriving. When we recognize the lies and understand God’s truth then we can begin to step into a new way of living. You can listen to a recording of the talk below.

In between the session women stopped by my table to grab a copy of my book Awaken Love and to encourage me. Many thanked me for a much needed message in the church. If we are going to get marriage right, then we must start talking about sex.

A New World

Three short weeks later, the world has changed. The coronavirus has shut down all but the essential activities. Many are working from home without church, sports, or dinners out. Our worlds have become smaller as our home and our immediate family fill our nights and days.

We all handle life differently. When the quarantine kicked into gear, I immediately looked for some projects to pour my energy into. When I keep my hands busy, my mind rests easier. Already I am halfway through building a nightstand out of walnut. Next on the docket, building a bigger closet in my bedroom. A classic introvert, as long as my girls are good and my husband is by my side, I can handle anything.

Comfort

During this time, sex has been a comfort, an escape from hard realities and just good entertainment. We have no kids at home, a quiet house, and 24 hours a day together. Though your situation may be different, don’t discount the power of sex to restore your soul.

When you feel exhausted from home schooling, instead of vegging out in front of the tv, climb into bed with your husband and get naked.  After unbearably long days of care-taking, work, or reading the latest news, stop and find comfort in your husband’s arms. When you feel like you might go stir crazy, try something daring that will knock the socks off your spouse. Don’t put sex to the side, make it a priority and see how it can transform you.

As we reel from the sudden change of our reality, don’t miss the opportunity to restore your soul in the simple pleasure of sex with your spouse. God intended sex to be life giving refreshment that can restore your soul.

Zoom Class

If you have always wanted to take an Awaken Love class For Wives with me, I am offering a class using Zoom as a meeting platform. Participants will watch the videos in advance and we will spend our time sharing and discussing what we learned. We meet Monday nights from 7:30 – 9 pm central time starting April 6th. If you are interested, email ruth.awakenlove@gmail.com for more details.

This entry was published on and was updated on / Ruth Buezis. Posted in Awaken-Love Classes. Bookmark the permalink.
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by Ruth Buezis April 1, 2020
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Clitoral, G-Spot and Deep Spot – 3 Pathways to Pleasure

The in and out thrusting of intercourse used to do nothing for more me, besides sometimes make me sore. I felt confused, broken and somehow duped. But as I started to understand more about my body and how it worked, I felt encouraged. Instead of relegating intercourse for my husband’s pleasure, we could transform intercourse to make it more enjoyable for both of us. Understanding the 3 main pathways to orgasm – clitoral, G-Spot and Deep-Spot –  was an important step in cuing into my own pleasure during intercourse.

Understanding your pathways will help you recognize positions, body alignment or movement to provide more pleasure during intercourse. When you recognize how the different orgasms feel as they approach you can lean into your pleasure and chase after it. So if you feel discouraged at just trying harder at the same thing, get ready to open up your idea of what intercourse looks like. Understand your pathways to orgasm and discover something for you.

(What I write is based on my own experiences, the experiences of women that have shared during class, and lots of reading.Although this article could be helpful for anyone, it is part of a series “How to have an orgasm during intercourse”. If you are working towards that goal, please make sure that you read my previous articles/

Clitoral Orgasms

The clitoris provides the main pathway to pleasure for most women. Clitoral orgasms result from stimulation of the clitoris, either directly or indirectly.  For many years, scientists thought the clitoris was just the pearl sized bulb at the meeting of the inner lips. But recent research discovered a structure of legs extending under the outer lips toward the pelvic bones, and with glans on each side of the vagina that engorge with blood during arousal.

For many women, clitoral orgasms feel like the strongest physically. Clearly defined, they are the orgasms that women say, “if you don’t know, then you haven’t had one.” Women sometime wonder why the orgasms they experience during manual or oral stimulation feel stronger than the orgasms they experience during intercourse. Without the movement of intercourse, we can focus clearly on our own pleasure without distraction.

Orgasms from clitoral stimulation are transmitted through the Pudenal nerve system. A clitoral orgasm feels like a pinpointed pleasure causing a collapsing of the body and resulting in a radiating out of pleasure. Commonly you can feel pulsing of the Kegel muscles, vagina or sometimes even the uterus.

Tuning In

If you have never experienced an orgasm from either just manual or oral stimulation of the clitoris, I encourage you to try it. During intercourse so much is happening that you may have a hard time zoning in to what your body experiences. Focus on what it feels like as you approach clitoral orgasm. What impact does your mind have? How does the orgasm feel? Can you understand why the intercourse portrayed in the movies does little to stimulate the clitoris? What positions, movements and pace during intercourse might create the type of stimulation that you need for clitoral orgasm?

G-Spot Orgasms 

G-Spot orgasms, named after Grafenberg, are achieved through firm stimulation of the front wall of the vagina (towards the tummy), 1 -2 inches in from the opening of the vagina. The area can feel like the roof of your mouth when touched. As you get more aroused, a quarter sized soft area can bulge into the vagina. The G-spot is not on the surface of the vagina, but a collection of tissue between the urethra and vagina.

When highly aroused, the G-spot responds to firm stimulation in a “come hither” motion. You can use the pad of a finger, penis or vibrator. Women describe G-spot orgasms as more of a full body experience and not clearly defined or located. Scientists now believe G-spot orgasms are transmitted through a different nerve system – the pelvic and hypogastric nerves. No wonder women have been saying for years that their vaginal orgasms feel different than their clitoral orgasms.

Is G-Spot for You?

Some people debate the existence of the G-spot, and no one can actually prove it. The G-spot is not an organ that you can hold up and say, “here it is”. But if you listen to women describe their experiences, they sound remarkably similar. Women describe the G-spot orgasm as a pushing out, or bearing down of pleasure. They may even push so hard that they literally push out whatever  is in their vagina.

Do all women enjoy G-spot stimulation? Maybe – maybe not…Imagine that you had an area inside of you that had never been touched or stimulated like it wanted. The first time it was touched you thought, “That was weird, I don’t know if I like that.” The next time you thought, “I don’t know, I guess it wasn’t bad.” The next time, “That feels kind of warm” and each time maybe things gets a little more enjoyable as you learn to recognize and anticipate pleasure. Eventually you may even recognize an ache coming from the G-spot as you become aroused during foreplay.

All I am saying is that if you have not experienced any pleasure from G-spot stimulation, don’t completely close that door and decide that you don’t have one. Our bodies change with age and can awaken to new experiences. Once in a while revisit the G-spot and pay attention to new sensations.

The easiest way to stimulate the G-spot is with a finger or two, but you must first be highly aroused. Try getting warmed up with stimulation of the clitoris and then transition to manual stimulation of the G-spot, or go back and forth between the two.

Some women feel the need to urinate as their G-spot becomes aroused. Just make sure to empty your bladder before sex, and then try to relax. Trust your body, trust your husband, push through and you might discover something new. Female Ejaculation sometimes accompanies G-spot stimulation.

Tuning In

Pay attention to what your body feels like as your G-spot becomes aroused. What is your mind doing? What does a G-spot orgasm feel like? Imagine what types of positions and movements during intercourse might create G-spot stimulation? What pace does it like to be stimulated? How can you make tap into this pathway during intercourse?

The Deep Spot

The Deep spot, otherwise known as the A-spot is located deep in the vagina, near the cervix. Less known then the G-Spot, the Deep spot orgasm produces the similar full body response and pushing out of pleasure. Not surprising, the deep spot travels through the same nerve system as the G-spot – the pelvic and hypogastric.

One of the trickiest things about the Deep spot is how close it is to the cervix. Most of us have experienced the bruising pain of banging into the cervix during intercourse. But when our bodies are highly aroused, our vagina balloons out, the uterus tips up rotating the cervix back and we gain better access to the Deep spot. Most women enjoy the tummy side of the cervix, while others love the area behind the cervix.

Some people consider the Deep spot their most reliable way to orgasm during intercourse. In class, a few women acknowledge the deep spot as an orgasm trigger. When couples figure it out, the Deep Spot can create an immediate response when accessed at the right time.

There are websites that claim all women have the deep spot and it is a guaranteed trigger to experience an orgasm. They suggest stimulating the deep spot with the same firm “come hither” motion on the front wall of the vagina but with your middle finger in as far as it can reach. Don’t add more pressure to yourself, but feel the freedom to explore the pathways to pleasure God gave you.

Tuning In

Similar to the G-spot, the Deep spot may be another possibility, another flavor to explore. When you are highly aroused, have your husband travel to the deep spot with the pad of his finger. During intercourse pay attention to sensations during deep penetration. What kind of movements feel good? What is your mind doing? How does it feel? How and when can you access the Deep spot.

3 Pathways to Pleasure

Understanding these 3 pathways – Clitoral, G-spot and Deep spot – can help you tweak sex so that you can experience more pleasure during intercourse. Instead of trying the same thing, what adjustments can you make to try to access the pathway of your pleasure. How can you align your bodies? What pace or motion works best? What can you discover and show your husband?

Part of my journey of enjoying sex has been educating myself about my own body and discovering my pathways to pleasure. It is easy to think that our husbands ought to just magically find all of our sweet spots, but I am not sure that is true. I had to spend time exploring new areas and waking my body up. In order to focus on new sensations, without pressure but with thankfulness, I needed to test the waters.  Not all orgasms feel the same and I believe we have more to learn. Don’t limit what you experience because you cannot even dream that it can happen. Discover your pathways to orgasm and think about how to make these part of intercourse.

For more ideas about intercourse, listen to my podcast on Get Your Marriage ON!

Pathways to pleasure
This entry was published on and was updated on / Ruth Buezis. Posted in Intercourse, Orgasms. Bookmark the permalink.
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by Ruth Buezis March 17, 2020
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