Understanding Connection During Sex

Recently a friend asked how to make sex better. She said, “We both know how to enjoy sex, but sometimes it feels like we are worlds apart. How do we actually connect during sex?” I’ve written a lot about connection during sex, because I believe that is ultimately what we want, and what God intended. But step by step instructions don’t really work for something like connection. In fact, step by step instructions might make matters worse. Nobody can teach you how to connect. You have to feel your way there. But finding parallels can provide understanding and open us up to new avenues. Your relationship with God provides the most powerful road map to the sex life that you want.

Just think about your prayer life…


When we learn to pray, we spend most of our time talking. Letting God know our needs, what we are struggling with, asking Him for help, or praying for people that we care about. The conversation is self-focused because life revolves around us. Even the act of prayer happens out of our desire to be righteous. We pray because we should and because we have been taught it is good for us.

Beginning to Listen

Eventually we begin to understand that the world doesn’t just revolve around us. We begin to listen to God as much as talk to Him. God has things to speak into our lives, to encourage us, to challenge us, and even to convict us. Prayer is not just an important thing to do to be a good person. Prayer is a life line that fills us up, comforts us and teaches us. We begin to understand that prayer is not just good for us. Prayer changes us.


As we pursue Christ, we eventually move from talking and listening, to just being. We sit in the presence of God and marvel in His glory. We feast in His goodness. Freed from having to do something, ask questions, or learn, we can simply be with Him. Though we might not talk, and he might not say a word, a gentle, indescribable knowing happens. He knows you, He delights in you, and that brings joy.

What About Sex?

The progression of sex happens in much the same way.

We start by worrying about ourselves or our performance. We want sex to be great both for ourselves and our partner so our thoughts of what we should or shouldn’t do over ride our connection. We are on the quest for the perfect technique, the best orgasm,  and the magic formula – all the while missing out on the simple pleasures of the moment. In the midst of such busyness, do we even see or feel our lover?

Eventually we wake up and learn to listen to our spouse. The myth of us naturally knowing what to do shattered, we seek answers from the source. Communication increases, both verbal and non-verbal and we tune into each others clues for direction. We must re-acclimate to the tug and pull of listening to our spouse and still hearing our own desires. Neither one more important, but both valued.

Eventually we move beyond just fulfilling each other’s needs to find thrill and excitement from just being with each other. Connection creates as much excitement as mechanics. To suddenly realize that your spouse sees into the deepest crevice of  your soul both terrifies and thrills. It is not just the orgasm that produces such pleasure, but the knowing of the one you share it with.

Final Thoughts

Connection requires trust, self-knowledge, the ability to hear from each other, learn from one other, and vulnerability. But connection does not happen when you are still wrapped up in getting to the finish line, or providing the most magical experience for your spouse. Connection happens when you dare to be still together, courageously open yourself, see each other, and go somewhere together.

How have you discovered connection during sex?

I have a zoom Men’s Edition 6 week class that starts tomorrow. We meet Thursdays from 7:30- 9:00 pm Central time. If anyone would like to join us, just email me at ruth.awakenlove@gmail.com for more details.

Comments 4

  1. Ruth – I hope you are ok. While I have missed your blog posts, I mainly want to know that you and Jim are ok, that you and your family are healthy and strong.

    • mm

      We are ok and so are all of our family. I actually have a short post coming out tomorrow. I think I probably feel like most people – everything has changed, and I am just trying to get my bearings.

  2. Just read this in Eldredge”s latest book and it reminded me of your blog:

    “ The Good News, literally, is that there is so much more! After we’ve tried the faithful servant stage for awhile, our heart cries out for something more. At some point our soul either says, I’m out of here and we eject from the program, or we seek a deeper experience. We discover that Jesus cares about our humanity; our heart matters to him. We discover there is healing from trauma and wounding. There is an awakening of the heart. As our heart and soul are healed (and I hope they are being healed through this book!), we find more of ourselves available for a genuine intimacy with God. We draw closer and closer; it is the yearning and inclination of the soul that loves God. Over time we find we are becoming the friends of God. It’s a much better life, much truer to what the Gospels describe.”

    And then there’s this:
    “It might surprise some readers to hear me say this, but we are after much more than faith, even more than intimacy. We are after union, oneness—where our being and God’s Being become intertwined.”

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