With my awakening, my husband has experienced his own growth and awareness. I asked Jim, “What 3 things have you learned that helped you with our sex life?” I found his answers simple and yet profound. Not only that, but I can clearly see how his understanding and subsequent changes have directly impacted me and my growth. So, I have adapted his insights to speak into your sex life – 3 Lessons Learned to Love Your Wife
1. Your Wife is Insecure
I am a confident, capable woman that completed engineering school, taught herself to snowboard, and could handle any house project. But I still struggle with deep seated insecurities. For years I denied my desire to feel beautiful. When we started working on our sex life, I knew to experience freedom in my marriage bed, I had to trust my husband loved everything about me. Beyond guarding his eyes, I needed to hear that he thought I was absolutely beautiful.
Jim has learned to constantly affirm my beauty with his words. Whether I am dressed up for a date, bending over in my jeans to screw in a deck board, or playing naked in bed. He doesn’t just say I am beautiful, he believes it and breathes it into my life. After we have great sex I feel most vulnerable. My mind starts to questioin if I revealed too much, or if my husband enjoyed what I did. When he dotes on me after sex and shares his amazement, he stops the lies and insecurities.
2. Don’t Take Things Personally
What feels great to me one night, can do nothing the next night, or can even feel painful. My body constantly changes, can become ultra-sensitive, and just darn right finicky. I don’t try to be complicated or high maintenance, but that is my reality. As I have taken ownership by saying things like, “I am sorry, my body is just tricky tonight”, Jim has learned not to take things personally.
In his resilience Jim is able to offer other suggestions rather than give up. We have learned when something doesn’t work or temporarily shuts down, it does not have to derail us. Jim can try a different path or offer another delight and I can get on board. Not taking things personally has opened up possibilities. Jim is more likely to try new things without worrying about failing. Not taking things personally has helped me to appreciate my complicated body a little more.
3. Be Vulnerable and Open Up
When I awoke, I began craving deep intimacy with my husband. I started sharing vulnerable things from my past that helped me gain freedom. We had hard conversations about my insecurities and how Jim could help me. Many nights I cried in his arms as I got in touch with my emotions. Though I focused on myself I also wanted to know Jim. Just like most wives, I feel closest to my husband when he vulnerably shares his emotions, insecurities, or failures.
Jim has been an amazing husband and dad, but vulnerability does not come easily. I remember once asking him, “What painful childhood experiences do you remember?” And he incredulously responded, “Why would you ask me something like that?” Later he explained that talking about a painful experience was more painful than reliving it. What felt freeing to me felt oppressive to him.
But Jim has slowly taken steps in learning to vulnerably share. He has shared about past experiences that left him feeling like a failure. He has owned his past mistakes and asked forgiveness. When he struggles at work, I am the first that he tells. And though it means the world to me, even more importantly I have witnessed changes in him. I’ve seen his boldness in speaking truth to other men and ministering to marriages. He walks with more confidence. When you allow yourself to be fully known and are received with grace and love, it sets you free.
If you want to become the an amazing lover to your wife then learn to affirm her with your words. Help her battle insecurities by speaking truth. Understand not to take instruction or failed approached personally. Stand firm but gently as you navigate your wife’s complexities and you will see her begin to open up. Match your wife’s vulnerability with your own steps of growth. Share from your heart and open her heart to yours.