Why is that when couples differ in drive, we assume the lower drive spouse has the issue? We think the one with the lower drive needs to change, get a new mindset, or understand how important sex is for their spouse.
Maybe it’s not that the lower drive spouse dislikes sex, but that they dislike the sex they are having.
Maybe the higher drive spouse needs to learn to have sex in a way that the lower drive spouse would deem worth having.
Many couples spend years having sex that one spouse doesn’t find particularly exciting or connecting. Afraid to bring up the uncomfortable topic of sex, they hang onto the status quo. They simply turn out the lights, tune out each other, and go through the motions. Over time, the spouse less driven by hormones become less and less interested in sex.
Without a mutual attitude of both wanting to discover new things, and vulnerably sharing, sex quickly gets reduced to creating a physical release. Sex can become predictable, routine, boring, and at some deep level, painful. If we do not have the courage to share our desires, or to create what we want during sex, we either escape into our own world of fantasy or lull ourselves into numbness. Somehow, we intuitively know that God created us for deeper connection with our spouse. As we go through the motions, without the confidence or tools for change, we just feel stuck. Eventually we would rather not have sex, than have the sex we are having.
Lack of Orgasm
One of the most obvious, blaring reasons women don’t deem sex worth having is because they don’t orgasm on a regular basis. They might brush orgasm off as unimportant or say they just prefer to cuddle, but imagine watching your spouse experience an out of this world experience night after night. Meanwhile, you are left feeling broken, angry and sad. Why would you want to have sex? Mutual satisfaction during sex must always be the goal. If your wife does not orgasm on a regular basis, you must clearly communicate your desire for her pleasure, educate yourself, and commit to whatever you can do to help make orgasm a reality for her.
Another reason women don’t feel interested in sex is the lack of connection experienced during love making. For these women, sex often feels mechanical and lonely. A husband trying hard to please his wife can feel far away as he frantically strives to perform.Rather than leaning into connection, men do things like “think about Grandma” as a method to delay ejaculation. When lovemaking boils down to getting from point A to point B, we miss out on the joys of discovery. We might both orgasm, but if we aren’t even aware of our spouse, what is the point?
Some people might avoid sex because the marriage bed just feels like one more place to fail. Rather than a safe to place to grow and discover things about each other, sex has become a pressure cooker. Instead of both husband and wife taking ownership for themselves, one person gets the brunt of the responsibility. A husband gets blamed because he didn’t last long enough, touch her the right, say the right thing or romance her enough. Or a wife didn’t make her husband feel like the best lover in the world because she didn’t react like the movies. Pressure can ruin sex and make you feel like a total failure. Why show up when you don’t have a chance?
The last reason we might feel disinterested during sex is because it just seems boring. Some of us have limited what we can explore in the marriage bed out of guilt, shame or even purity messages. Others just feel afraid to share the God given creativity that excites them. We haven’t established enough trust, communication, or courage to share our ideas. And some of us have just gotten lazy and settled into a rut. Rather than having fun we settle for vanilla sex that bores us to death.
Both spouses have a role in creating a mutually enjoyable sex life, but we can only work on ourselves. Rather than giving up or blaming our spouse, we can take a hard look at ourselves, and decide what we can do, regardless of our spouse to create a sex life that both of us will look forward to. Making changes will require courage, communication, compassion and an understanding of who God created you to be. Join me for the next 4 Mondays as we talk in more detail about how to create a sex life that your spouse would deem worth having.