Using our Words during Sex

Sometimes, more than touch, I need my husband to take me someplace using his words. I don’t know why, maybe it’s because it helps me get out of my own head. Words can be powerfully erotic and can immediately take me to another place. They can turn vanilla sex into steaming hot sex, even though we are in the same bed, wearing the same outfit and doing the same things. Words can transport me in a way that touch cannot. They communicate a presence and a connectedness beyond the physical to your mind and soul.

Words are powerful, just look at how women devour erotic novels. Wives would rather read about sex than actually enjoy it. Chat rooms are filled with people that would rather seduce each other anonymously than communicate to their spouse about what turns them on. We can easily fall into twisting the power of words to avoid the hard work of developing intimacy with our spouse.

The truth is God designed words as a powerful way for a husband and wife to connect in their marriage bed.  Song of Songs drips with words that seduce the bride. In chapter 4:9-11 the groom says to his wife on their wedding night, “You have stolen my heart, my sister, my bride! How much more pleasing is your love than wine, and the fragrance of your perfume than any spice! Your lips drop sweetness as the honeycomb, my bride; milk and honey are under your tongue.”  Her response cries out in vs 16, “Awake, north wind, and come, south wind! Blow on my garden that its fragrance may spread abroad. Let my lover come into his garden and taste its choice fruits.”

I’m sure most of you are thinking, “That’s great for Solomon and his wife, but I cannot imagine how I would even get started talking to my husband in our marriage bed. I especially cannot imagine my husband ever speaking to me like that.”

It probably is more challenging for husbands to speak- not some made up smut imitated from watching pornography – but words from their heart. Simply because words come easier to women.  My theory is that wives need to take the lead in showing husbands the power of words. We need to use our words in our marriage bed in ways that can create arousal and encourage our husbands in this area. If husbands realized the power of a perfectly timed “just let go”, or “I see you”, or “I’ve got you” there might be a lot more words in bed.

First some ground rules…the marriage bed must be a place of ultimate trust. That means you keep yourself pure and don’t get ideas for your marriage bed from pornography. You don’t force someone to do something they are not comfortable doing yet. You don’t laugh, make fun of, or pull away in disgust as your spouse shares them self. Create a marriage bed where you both feel safe enough to share yourself.

Here are a few ideas to help you practice using your words in bed.

  1. 2 Minute Poker

    Play a quick moving game like “poker” or “rock, paper, scissors” with your spouse. Each round, the person that wins gets to ask their spouse for whatever they want for 2 minutes, and then you play another round.Some examples might be “Rub my back”, “Tell me what you love about my body”, “Tease my breasts by touching anywhere except the nipples”, or “Show me how you touch yourself”In a playful way you practice asking for what you want, while at the same time clueing your spouse into things to incorporate into sex. The game tends to ramp up as you both become bolder.


  1. Play by Play

    Tell your spouse that you will do whatever they want as long as you ask… and you’ll keep doing it until they ask for something different. Basically it forces them to use their words to guide you in loving them step by step. This game will help someone put words to what their body is asking for.


  1. Story Starter

    Share a scenario in bed and take turns expanding it with your words. Enjoy the pleasures of taking your spouse somewhere else in fantasy.

    Let me give you an example…What if one night when you were having trouble shifting into gear, you spent some time cuddling side by side, skin to skin and you whisper to your husband, “What if you rang the doorbell and came to the door to pick me up for a date. I’m going to wear that hot teal dress that you love. But underneath I have on those black lace stockings that hug my thighs and my black pumps. During dinner you just keep on looking at me as we eat. Halfway through dinner, I get up to use the bathroom. When I come back to the table, I slip my black lace panties into your pocket and slide into the seat next to you.” Then I ask my husband, “What would you do next?” We continue to play out the scenario with our words as our bodies begin to engage.


Words can be a powerful way to connect in the marriage bed. Don’t miss out on the eroticism of words because you think that Christians should not say such things. Within the marriage bed, enjoy all that God has given you. Dare to know each other in a new way as you stretch yourselves to use the power of words to connect.

What difference do words make in your marriage bed and how did you get there?

Originally Published as The Pleasure of Words on Jan 4, 2015

Comments 1

  1. A special article in a v helpful series. What a shame we were never informed of these basics early in marriage. The effort to acquire proficiency in this communication is no greater than any other skilled craft or art.
    Thank you for clarifying the subject as you do, so very well!!

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