A Great Sex Life – Not all Rocket Science

Having a great sex life is not all rocket science. The small everyday things that we do make a huge difference. They set the stage and are the meat and potatoes of our relationship that great sex rolls out of. So, I thought I would share some of the small practical everyday things that make a difference to my husband and me.

Go to Bed Together 

Jim and I go to bed at the same time every single night. Sometimes I am dragging him to bed because I am tired and sometimes he is taking me to bed. We lay together, we talk about our day, we cuddle,  sometimes we have sex and we fall asleep next to each other.

Touch All Night 

My husband and I sleep in a double bed. He is 6 feet tall and I am 5’-9” and we just barely fit in our bed. Most nights we sleep spooned skin to skin. When I am feeling restless or out of sorts, I stretch out on my belly, and we just hold feet. One night at a bed and breakfast, we slept in an enormous king size bed. In the middle of the night I woke in a panic looking for him, even though he was asleep in the bed beside me. Touching all night helps us stay connected.

Bring God into your Bed

My husband and I read the bible out loud to each other in bed almost every night. Sometimes one of us will fall asleep to the sweet sound of scripture being spoken over us. Other times God’s word is simply a prelude to the night’s festivities. Prayer either leads to sex, or follows sex in thanks for the connection we had. God is always a part of our marriage bed.

Fresh and Clean 

My husband and I don’t get caught up in romantic ideas of what sex is supposed to look like – you know,  the spontaneous rip your clothes off sex. Part of feeling confident during sex is knowing that we are clean, have fresh breath and took the time for personal grooming. Don’t let morning breath ruin the mood, just take care of it and then enjoy some great sex.

We touch all the time 

My husband has always been generous with foot rubs. If we are watching TV, my feet are usually up in his lap. When we walk, our hands are intertwined. Our girls make fun of us because we always have to sit next to each other – at the theater, at the dinner table, at church – we take advantage of every situation to cozy up. BTW – I miss the bench seats in cars – center consoles are a bummer. Look for every excuse to touch.

Play Together 

Sometimes playing is working on a project. Sometimes it is playing a game with our kids. Other times it is snowboarding. Sometimes it is bicycling. Sometimes it is sex. But we have fun together and we love each other’s company. My going to a car race with my husband means the world to him, and that is enough to make it fun for me.

I have to be honest, I am often struck by how few couples cozy up next to each other during church. They sit divided by their kids or in adjacent seats, but miles away. (BTW – another instance where maybe a pew was closer to God’s design.) If we cannot approach the throne of God together, broken and surrendered but filled with hope for tomorrow, how in the world are we going to make marriage work, and how are we going to have great sex?

Great sex  rolls out of the way that we do life together every day.

What do you do every day that makes your sex life better?

Comments 18

  1. I like the idea of your every day activities leading to a great marriage and sex life. Even though we do not go to bed at the same time, I encourage my wife to wake me up and we connect with sexual touch. We also enjoyed the bench seat in our 1953-8 Chevs. When we got our first VW we were separated a bit, but not enough to not touch once in awhile. Now however, we are quite far from each other. And those seat belts really keep us apart.

    • mm

      We had a 1963 chevy nova station wagon with a big bench seat. I even remember camping in it by putting down the back seat and making up a bed – good memories.

  2. My wife and I do a lot of what you’ve discussed. Someone sitting behind us at church recently asked us how long we had been married, and was surprised to learn it was 34 years – he thought we were newlyweds! In addition to going to bed together, we go to bed naked, and sleep naked together – I highly recommend it!

    we have a sign on our mantle that says “Sitting next to you doing absolutely nothing means absolutely everything to me”

  3. Sleeping naked appeals to me because it makes everything so much easier and available but I don’t really know how to figure that out with 4 kids.

    • A little flash of breast or leg will not hurt your children of either sex. Knowing their parents love sleeping together naked and touching is a very good thing for them. Simply teach them to knock before entering your room. Keep an extra blanket within reach. Sleeping nude is so good and so intimate.When they are old enough to even begin to comprehend what is happening behind closed doors they will think twice before entering.

      • mm

        Thanks Bob. I assume that the flash is for the spouse and not for the kid – the kids just notice mom and dad flirting.
        I agree it is important for our kids to know that we enjoy sex in marriage and that it is worth waiting for.

  4. Thanks for this blog!
    We too are some of the few couples in our church who cuddle up together! We hold hands during worship, our kids know never to even try to sit between us.:) We hold hands on walks, while we drive, even just while we sit on the couch. In almost 16 years of marriage I could probably count on my fingers the times that we didn’t go to bed together or get up together, we spoon most every night, and only recently started not sleeping naked again. If all these things would be an indicator of a great marriage, we’d probably have one of the best. Yet I’m so lonely in our marriage. We never really talk about anything personal or intimate. Sometimes we sit for an hour together just in silence. I thought women liked to talk. I’ve tried so many times, but it just ends in disagreements or awkward silence. So I don’t try any more. The peace and quiet is better then disagreeing or made to feel like a pervert for wanting to talk about sex or intimacy or anything else that really matters.
    Thanks Ruth! I know you mean well with this, but it takes so much more then this to have a great sexlife! I’m glad it worked for you and your husband. He is a blessed man.

    • mm

      Thanks for sharing. You are right, this is not all that creates a great sex life or intimacy. One of your comments caught my attention. “We never really talk anything personal or intimate. I thought women liked to talk.” It seems like in some marriages, the roles are reversed – and there is nothing wrong with that. In my marriage, I am the one that opens up with my words and my husband, not so much. Sometimes it is easy to feel like things should be even, and if he is not going to open up then I am not. If I did that I would get nowhere. It creates intimacy when I share with my husband, whether or not he shares. I need to let him be on his own journey, and I need to be the person that God created me to be. Just a little food for thought.

      • Thank you for your kind response!
        I agree, and I’ve done that for many years, starting the conversation, opening up, making myself vulnerable. I admire you for not giving up! I wish I could continue to do that too. Maybe I didn’t do it right, but me trying to bring up things, to try to talk about things, to try to work on our marriage got us so deep into the pit that I just can’t risk going there anymore. It definitely did not create intimacy. Any attempt at changing anything in our marriage is usually shut down with the comment that I’m just trying to change her. I’d love to change us, the way we do things, to make them more life giving. But I know she doesn’t enjoy hearing me talk, because she’s said so. So, a peaceful life lived in silence is much better then where we’ve been in the last few years, when I tried to work on things.
        And I don’t want our kids growing up wondering if we are gonna stay together. Splitting up is not an option for me. I’d much rather not have much of a sex life, then to have the emotional turmoil where you start to question if it’s healthy to even try.

  5. What if your wife never touches you?? I’ve kept track, and it’s almost eighteen months since she walked up to me and put her arm around me. I am always the one to initiate anything physical.
    I tried something, I went 10 weeks without touching or kissing her. Her response?? Absolutely nothing.
    I’m ready to quit. I’m tired of being treated like a chump.

    • mm

      I am so sorry. That must feel terrible.
      Praying that your wife wakes up to what she is missing out on and that the two of you find some help.

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