Hierarchy of Sex?

I have a confession to make – for years I did not really enjoy intercourse. It just did nothing for me. In fact, many times it was even painful. And it used to upset me to read Christian books or blogs that said it is ok to enjoy the other stuff but intercourse should always be most important. It did not match my personal experience and it made me feel broken.

It was as if they were creating another expectation that I could not meet – a hierarchy of sexual enjoyment

  • Simultaneous orgasm during intercourse
  • Orgasm during intercourse hands free
  • Orgasm during intercourse with help
  • Orgasm during outer course
  • Orgasm during manual stimulation
  • Orgasm during oral stimulation
  • Orgasm using a vibrator
  • Orgasm while touching yourself

———-SCRATCH ————–

There is no hierarchy of sexual expression. God does not rate the sex acts.

Song of Songs is filled with all kinds of delights like tasting each other’s fruit, smelling gardens, feasting with the eyes and embracing each other. God wants us to enjoy all of it. He wants us to get to know each other in every intimate way using all of our senses.

Genesis 2:24 – For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.

I don’t think we only become “One” during intercourse. I think we become “One” every time we discover something new about out spouse or divulge a new part of ourselves. Oral sex is one of the most intimate acts you can enjoy. Doesn’t it make you into “One”? Showing your spouse how you touch yourself is one of the most vulnerable things you can share. Doesn’t it make you into “One”? Sharing the experience of letting go while using a vibrator takes trust and doesn’t it makes you into “One”? What is important is not whether you have intercourse, or oral sex or manual sex. What is important is whether you are loving your spouse, getting to know each other and glorifying God through becoming “One”.

Even though I don’t believe in a hierarchy of sexual experiences, how I feel about intercourse has drastically changed. It is no longer something that just my husband enjoys but it is something that I crave. But even more than that, I consider intercourse God’s design to make what seems like an impossibility, an opportunity for growth. Two very different people with two very different needs working past worries, anxieties and expectations to communicate about hard things and tune into each other and to learn how to dance – regardless of whether the fireworks fly. Next week I will talk about what I’ve learned that has helped me to transition into enjoying intercourse more and more.

Comments 4

  1. This is very helpful for me, a guy, who suffers from E.D. Ironically, my wife reaches orgasm, multiple times through intercourse, but my erection comes and goes. I find if I stop, work on my erection with my hand, then re-enter, I can experience orgasm through intercourse. Life is always better on the days following successful lovemaking. Once we got over the hump of my needing to start and stop, life has been better.

    • I have suffered with ED as well. One thing that helped me tremendously, other than getting my check out, was realizing I would always stay erect while kissing my love before we made love. So whenever I felt “him” loosing it I would ask her to kiss me.

      This also made for more passionate love making…which is a huge plus. 🙂

  2. Thank you so much for this post. This is where I feel I am at right now. I do not enjoy intercourse and it usually is not comfortable to me at all. I am so eager to hear how that all changed for you. Praying for change in my own marriage.

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