Understanding our Differences

I have to be honest, sex has been hard lately. My body is aging, my attitude is lousy, and I am beginning to get back into old habits of focusing too much on the finish line. Trust me, I know all the right answers. I have been teaching them to women for over 4 years.  But no matter how much I know, some days are just tough. In fact, lately I found myself questioning whether I was a total fraud teaching and writing about sex – somehow implying that if you understand and put into practice what I teach, everything will magically fall into place. Honestly, some days I just wish sex was as easy for me as it is for my husband.

Let me share a few thoughts

So women won’t feel quite so alone, and

Men will have a peek at the battle their wife faces.

  • Why do fireworks erupt for men EVERY SINGLE TIME, while women sometimes wonder, “Was that it?” One encounter might be great and the next we are left swimming in tears of frustration.
  • How could God design intercourse to feel so wonderful to husbands EVERY SINGLE TIME and not always feel wonderful to us. Some days intercourse is awesome but other days it feels like nothing, uncomfortable or even painful.
  • Why do we hang onto the lie that our husband is supposed to make “it” happen for us? Our husband has never questioned whether it is ok for him to move like he needs to move during sex in order to make fireworks fly.
  • Why do we still have to guide our husband or direct him, or ask for what we need? How come he doesn’t get to struggle with these same conversations? How come we always have to be the needy one?
  • Why doesn’t our husband know when we are done or if we want to keep going? How come we have to tell him, ask for more, or just settle?
  • Why do we feel like we can’t tell our husband if something is not enjoyable or uncomfortable? Do husbands just grin and bear it?
  • Why do we have to learn how our body works? Why can’t it just work?
  • How does our husband pass out so fast after sex – even when we are a mess?

I am not  blaming husbands. Our trickiness must be equally challenging for them. I know that my husband’s greatest desire is that I thoroughly enjoy sex EVERY SINGLE TIME and it must be confusing and frustrating when things don’t go as planned. The last thing that I want to do is paralyze my husband because he starts to feel like he can’t do anything right.

On behalf of all women

We’re sorry. We are not trying to be complicated – we just are.

I also know that God is good and that His design is good. Our struggles create intimacy as we work through them. I know that my complexities create a challenge for my husband to crack like a safe lock that continually changes – it takes concentration, focus and sensitivity. God created women and men like they are for a reason.

But wouldn’t it be amazing if we could trade places so that we could understand each other a little better.

So ladies,

  • Don’t give up.
  • Keep talking.
  • Adjust.
  • Keep desiring.
  • Keep expecting.
  • Pray.
  • Take a step back.
  • Seek answers.
  • Try something new.


  • Let your wife know that you are in this together.
  • Don’t take things personally.
  • Make it clear to your wife that you will do whatever it takes.
  • Be a lifelong student of your wife and of her body.
  • Take a little incentive by picking up a good book on how women work, or read our husbands guide.
  • Plan to have sex when there is plenty of time.
  • Focus on connection during sex.
  • Be amazed by your wife’s body and express it.

Disclaimer – I realize that these experiences and frustrations are not true of all couples. We are all different and unique in our sexuality and that is a good thing. I am simply writing from my personal experience and from the many women that I encounter. Whatever your situation in marriage – the point is to have compassion for the struggles of your spouse while taking responsibility to be the best “you” you  can be. 

Comments 3

  1. Many men in their 50’s go through similar struggles when experiencing ED. The failure to perform can be quite humbling after thirty years of no problems. Would be interesting to hear a comment or two from your husband’s perspective.

  2. Thank you for putting into words what I have been feeling for awhile. I have asked God every single one of these questions this past year.

    My answers? I am doing a little better, and now hubby is having some issues. Uggg!!

    So I guess it’s not always so easy for men either.

    I keep trying to focus on all the good traits we are developing during this life long journey – but sometimes during my occasional pity parties i ask God, “Can having a good sex life with my husband not be so much work please?” Unfortunately, the answer thus far has been “No!”. 🙁

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