Recently I read a great book on marriage by a well respected author and of course there was a chapter on sex buried near the end of the book. Since I have been teaching women about sex, I have this habit of filtering whatever I read thru the lens of what a Christian wife would hear.
What I remember from the sex chapters in most Christian books is 2 things…
- Women – your husband needs sex. It is a biological need driven by hormones. If he doesn’t have it, he gets cranky, has a hard time talking to you, and may fall into temptation.
- Men – you need to love your wife outside of the bedroom. Serve her, help with the kids, talk to her, hold her hand, and romance her. My guess is that most men believe if they follow the advice, they will have more sex. Because that is what the chapter is about – sex.
Now let me be clear. I don’t believe this information is wrong.
The problem is if these 2 points are all that we hear – the only assumption we can make is that women don’t need sex. We just need our husband to love us outside of the bedroom. And of course once we feel loved, we will help him out with his primary need – Sex.
The other problem is that it is the same message we always hear. We have heard it over and over and over and eventually we just stop listening.
So I have been thinking about what I would say if I was going to write a chapter on sex in a well respected Christian marriage book. Here are my main points…
Sex is important for both husband and wife
Based on Song of Songs and the equal roles that the husband and wife play in initiating, expressing themselves, and being creative, sex is important for both husband and wife. Considering the cultural role women had in society back then, God is trying to say something loud and clear. Husband and wife are supposed to be equals in the marriage bed.
It is not that we are the same. In fact we are very different when it comes to sex. But just like our husbands should not allow the drive of their hormones to control them, wives should not allow their lack of hormonal drive to control them. God created sex as a way to glue us together, to find refreshment and to comfort each other. Sex is not just physical and we need to stop treating it like it is. If you don’t believe sex is important to you, you need to ask yourself why. What lies have you believed about sex, or men or women?
Sex is about getting to know each other –
If you think that you have sex figured out because you can get your spouse from point A to point B, you are missing out. There is so much more to explore and enjoy.
Guys, your wife knows if you are just going thru your routine again or if you are trying to see what you can discover. They know if you are just rubbing them to make sparks fly, or if you are actually feeling them, exploring them, sensing what they enjoy and leading them somewhere new.
Wives, you are missing out if you are just getting it done. You have the amazing privilege of showing your husband things that he never even imagined existed. Take him for a ride he will never forget as you tune into his body and sense when to put on the brakes, when to coast, or when to stomp on the gas.
God created sex so that we would know each other and it is supposed to be this life long journey that never gets boring. In order for that to happen we must be there – physically, mentally, spiritually. That means staying in contact with your spouse through words, eyes, smells – anything that pulls you back to enjoying what is going on, rather than worrying about what is next.
God designed sex to be a lifetime of getting to know each other – and when you do that – sex never gets boring.
Sex is for refreshment –
Women don’t typically relate to sex being refreshment. For many of us, sex feels like another responsibility or thing on our to do list. Sex feels like it drains us and takes energy from us – it does not fill us up. But God created sex as a way to fill us up, to relax us, to make life a little easier.
In Song of Songs 1:2, She says to him…
Kiss me and kiss me again, for your love is sweeter than wine.
Think about what wine does after a long hard day… You finally get the kids in bed, clean up the dishes, fold the last of the laundry, and slump down on the couch…A deep breathe….feet up…a sip from your glass of wine. Ahhh, finally you can relax. Wine kind of just takes the edge off, doesn’t it?
That is what connection with our spouse is supposed to do. Whether it is a kiss, hugging, or sex, our spouse is supposed to relax us. They are supposed to take the edge off of life. They are supposed to be refreshment.
So why does sex feel like an obligation rather than a gift?
Women, we need to do the hard work of figuring out why we feel that way, because that is not God’s intent or design. What lies have you believed about sex, men or women? What baggage from your past are you carrying around and allowing to impact your present? God is a God that can heal ANYTHING. There is nothing too big. Maybe you need to get some help and talk to a counselor. You could take an Awaken-Love class with a group of friends. Maybe you just need to wrestle with God. But don’t stay stuck where you are. Life is hard and we need sex to glue us together to our spouse and make us into one so we go through things together.
The last piece of advice I would give is, Bring God into your Marriage Bed. God created sex, He ordained it, and it should be a holy experience that celebrates who He is and who He wants us to be. We go to bed at night and lock the door with God on the other side, and settle for so much less than God intended. What does bringing God into your marriage bed look like? You tell me…