What follows are step by step instructions on getting to know your wife’s vulva.  The goal is not to bring her to orgasm but to learn what feels good.

Song of Songs 6:2-3

My beloved has gone down to his garden,
    to the beds of spice


Your Wife’s Insecurities

Sharing her body with you is probably the most vulnerable thing your wife will do. She must feel safe and know that you will respect any wish that she has – without question or disappointment. She may not be comfortable letting you explore all of her, but to the extent that she does, your response will determine whether she gives you another try. Think about what attitude you would want your wife to have if she ever explored your penis. Verbally affirm her during and after the experience to let her know how much you loved it. Be amazed, awed, intrigued and blessed.

To approach your wife, simply tell her that you have been learning about the female body, and you would like to spend time getting to know her, because her body is the only one that matters. Tell her that you will be gentle, and she can tell you to stop or pause whenever she wants. Tell her you want her to tell you if anything is uncomfortable or what might feel better.

Skin Sensitivity

Your wife’s skin is super sensitive and you must handle it with the greatest care. Use a lubricant like coconut oil. Make sure your hands are clean, warm, smooth and lubricated. If you have rough hands, you may have to use your tongue to explore. Work from outside to inside with smooth connected strokes.

Accessibility and Light

Crank up the heat in the house so that your wife is warm enough without covers. Use candles, a small lamp, or night light to provide soft lighting. Consider soft gentle music to relax your wife. Ask your wife to lay on her back with her knees bent and legs gently spread apart.

The goal is to get to know your wife’s body

For at least 20 minutes just try to learn about your wife’s body. Don’t try to rub her, but feel her. Don’t try to take her somewhere, just go exploring. Try to sense if something feels good or bad. Try stillness, different motions, speeds, pressure and tempo – this is one giant experiment to see what you can discover. Typically, slower is better. After you explore each area of her body, ask her to show you with her own hand what kind of strokes she likes. If she is shy, then ask her to show you the motion on her hand instead of her vulva.

Body changes to watch for during arousal

As your wife becomes aroused, her body will engorge with blood. Her inner lips may get thicker, her outer lips may flatten and you may feel her clitoral shaft get thicker. As she gets more aroused, her clitoris may begin to show more. When she is highly aroused, her inner lips may become silky smooth and flatten out against her body. When she is about to have an orgasm, her clitoral head may hide completely behind the hood and her inner lips will change color to a deeper red.

Step by Step

Work outside to inside. Using the lightest feathery strokes you can muster, graze the inside of her thighs, around her outer lips and across her mound. Move slowly. Does this relax her or does it tickle? Ask her to show you what she likes.

Slather your hands with coconut oil and use smooth, connected strokes to feel the lines of her muscles in her inner thighs, pelvis and abdomen. Gently massage her outer lips and watch her response. Lightly glide up and down the insides of her outer lips. Softly grasp the girth of her outer lips in your fingers and loosen them up. Identify the inner lips and watch for changes as you work your way towards them. Ask her to show you what feels good on her outer lips.

Grab some more coconut oil and slowly stroke up one side of her inner lips and down the other side. Feel their texture, and gently move them up and down and out. Try stroking up towards her clitoris or down away. What feels better? Glide up one side; graze across the hood and down the other side. Circle around her vulva slowly. Try using two fingers, then three fingers to stroke up and down, or to just be still and feel her. Settle in and spend some time here before you move on. Do her lips look different in size or color as she becomes aroused? Can you tell if she is enjoying it? Now ask her to show you what feels good on her inner lips.

Grab some more coconut oil and gently travel around the folds of skin around her clitoris, pulling and moving the skin through the movement of your fingers. Can you see the head of the clitoris? Can you feel the shaft through her skin? Try just pulsing on the skin around her clitoris. Slowly circle her clitoris. Feel her. Use one finger, two or three. Can you find a sweet spot that she wants you to stay at? Ask her to show you what feels good and try to imitate it. Lean into what feels good to her. Watch the rest of her body to see if it changes.

When you are done make sure she knows how much you enjoyed learning about her by just saying something like,  “I loved learning about you” or “thanks for being so open with me.” Pray together and thank God for the amazing  body that He gave your wife.

The first time your wife allows you to explore her body, she may be too nervous to really let you see or experience all that she is capable of. Revisit this exercise as you gain trust and she gets more comfortable so that you can continue learning about her body.

Your wife’s body is not just a bunch of crevices and folds of skin. It is an amazing creation that you need to know, learn to read and be awed by. Don’t miss out on what God has gifted you with and be sure to thank your wife for trusting you enough to share herself.

Isn’t God’s design amazing?

Next week we explore the vagina –

We are currently raising funds to make Awaken-Love women’s classes available on video. To learn more go to We Want to Start a Revolution.

Ruth Buezis


Comments 2

  1. Hi, I just discovered your blog and am really enjoying what you have to tell us husbands. This article is very interesting, but I would suggest maybe changing the image you have used. Most of your images are either drawings or analogous images to the sacred parts of a woman. This image is a naked woman most likely not married to any of your readers. For me as a man trying to keep myself for one woman only, it becomes a very unwelcome distraction, and scares me as to whether your blog will be a place that contains images that will be pornographic for me.
    Just a suggestion. Thank you for all your fine work 🙂

    • mm

      Thanks for the input. I am becoming more in tune to just what a battle it is for men and I want to help any way that I can.

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