TO ORGASM OR NOT TO ORGASM

The other night one of the ladies stayed after class to ask a question, “I was just wondering…” she said, “in our reading, a couple of places it has said that women don’t always need to have an orgasm. Do you agree with that?”

Her question reminded me of the importance of filtering everything we learn about sex through God’s word – even Christian resources.

In Song of Songs, Solomon and his bride were equal participants in the marriage bed – really an amazing thing considering the cultural roles of women at that time. Based on this example, I believe God intends wives to be equal participants in the marriage bed – in expressing their desires, initiating, being creative and enjoying sex. The simple fact that God gave women a clitoris-which serves no other purpose besides creating pleasure- is evidence He intended us to experience orgasm.

I will never forget my first time teaching the husband’s class when one of the men had the guts to ask, “Do women need to experience an orgasm every time?” I was a little dumbfounded, but calmly replied, “Do you?” There was this wall of silence as men thought about it. Can you imagine having sex multiple times a week and only having an orgasm 10, 30 or 50 percent of the time?

I am not surprised this husband asked the question because it is common for books to say something like, “sometimes your wife would rather just cuddle.” I am probably going to get in trouble for this, but if you had a choice between “cuddling” and “having an orgasm and then cuddling”– what would you choose?

I think there are a lot of well-intended reasons why people say that women are just as happy cuddling….

  • For the couple that has limited their definition of what sex is, it may not be realistic for her to orgasm consistently
  • Women don’t want their husband to feel bad and protect him by telling him it doesn’t matter
  • Women don’t want to feel broken so they tell themselves they are just as happy cuddling
  • Some couples would rather settle than do the hard work of figuring things out or having hard conversations

Many women do not experience orgasm every time, but is this what God desires? And are there things that God is teaching us and doing as we journey towards making sex as enjoyable for the wife as the husband?

In order for women to orgasm on a consistent basis, sex must be redefined beyond intercourse to include all kinds of delights. Hard communication must take place that builds intimacy. A wife must feel desired, and pursued and trust that her husband won’t give up on her. Couples must stretch in their use of words and be on a journey of knowing each other. It does not just happen, it takes hard work.

Obviously equality  in the marriage bed can be taken to extremes…

If wives are having orgasms on a regular basis, then sometimes we love to treat our husbands to a freebie. I think we can also experience times when we our so satisfied by the intimate connection that happens during sex, that orgasm is not even a factor for us.

Pressure to have an orgasm can also become a negative thing instead of a positive thing. Men, if your wife says she is done, you can’t force her to have an orgasm. And don’t add pressure to your wife by making your fulfillment and worth as a man dependent on whether she sees fireworks – you will either end up with a wife that fakes it or hates sex. You cannot make your wife orgasm, she has to want it.

Sex is a journey and it may take time to figure things out, but the goal is for sex to be enjoyable for both of you. So don’t be afraid to redefine sex so that it works for her too. Stretch in connecting intimately with your wife during sex and using your words to ramp things up. Be open to your wife’s guidance and tuned in to her feedback – both verbal and non- verbal. And don’t buy into the lie that women are just not as orgasmic as men. You may not have even scratched the surface of what your wife is capable of.

Ruth Buezis

Comments 1

  1. Great post! Whenever I speak on sex and we talk about orgasm, I usually include this statement: “Orgasm isn’t everything, but it’s a very important something.”

    Too many married couples and/or one spouse in the couple have downplayed the significance of the wife’s orgasm.

    Another dynamic that sometimes happens is wives fake orgasm, either because they want to protect their husband’s ego or because…(like you mentioned)…they don’t want to do the work of figuring out what it will take to climax… or because they associate orgasm with past promiscuity and they don’t want to allow themselves that pleasure (they mistakenly believe they don’t deserve it or that pleasure is sinful).

    I love it that you are shedding more light on this! THANK YOU!! I’m going to add a link to this post to my orgasm page on my site (http://intimacyinmarriage.com/resources/the-orgasm-page/)

  2. This is just informational and may surprise you if your husband is younger than mine is, but after having his prostate removed, my husband is in exactly the position of having sex multiple times a week and rarely having an orgasm. It’s wonderful for both of us when he does. However, he enjoys the extended encounters we can have because he doesn’t ‘finish’ and despite what I had always heard about men, he doesn’t find this painful or frustrating.

    • mm

      Thanks for sharing how sex can still be wonderful even when it does not look like it used to. I have read that men can experience an orgasm even when they may not have an ejaculation

  3. I think this is another one of those things that is up to you to determine what is right in your marriage. I *am* one of those women who does not have to finish every time to feel sexually satisfied. Do I prefer to orgasm? Yes, but we would have sex a lot less often if that had to happen every single time because I take a very long time to get there. Perhaps some of this is a stage of life thing. I am in the little years with three children (six, four, and one and a half, still nursing, so physical exhaustion is a factor. When my third was born, for about the first eight months after her birth I was completely non-orgasmic–something that had never happened before in ten years of marriage. It sucked, but I am glad it happened because it forever changed my view of sex. We both had to learn to make *pleasure* the goal, and not orgasm. I could still experience a lot of pleasure, but for a while orgasm was not happening. I was okay with that knowing it was temporary from hormones but my husband was devastated, I think because of his false idea that I just HAD to orgasm. He wasn’t able to let go of that at first and it really damaged our intimacy until he finally decided to believe me (I hope) that I still feel highly satisfied by the pleasure I do experience even though I don’t orgasm.

    I am happy to say that is no longer an issue, but there are still plenty of times where quickies during nap time are super fun, but there is no orgasm for me during a quickie. I still feel highly sexually satisfied afterward, though. Quickies always put a smile on my face! And who knows, perhaps some women capable of multiples won’t be satisfied until they’ve had a couple, but I just don’t need one every time. The goal for us is pleasure and satisfaction, and I personally can be satisfied without an orgasm. My husband leaves it up to me to decide. I’d say I probably orgasm about 90% of the time. And to be fair, we have sex three to four times a week currently, so with a relatively higher than average frequency for our current life stage, that does mean I’m having plenty of orgasms. I will concede that my percentiles would probably change if we were having less sex; then I would want an orgasm almost every single time.

    • mm

      Thanks for sharing. I agree we have to figure out what is right for us as a couple and communicate about it honestly. We may have life stages that we need to navigate but I think the overall goal should be enjoyment for both husband and wife.

  4. Do you address the issue of ‘libido’ somewhere? I have an incredible sex drive when I am pregnant…it’s amazing and I feel like I can finally relate to my husband’s frequent desire for sex. However, with each pregnancy (I’ve had 5 total), my libido plummets after birth and never returns. I love my husband passionately and I even experience multiple orgasms every time we do have sex regardless of pregnancy, but I have NO desire to have intercourse EVER. I would be perfectly happy to give each other massages and go to bed each night. We probably have sex about once a week currently. I have talked to my doctor and recently gotten off some medication we thought might be part of the problem. I am hoping to figure out something, maybe hormonal? Just wonder if you have any experience or insight into women’s libido changing after childbirth, etc…

    • mm

      Sarah,
      Our hormones do seem to drive our libido or what I would call our horniness, and out hormones go thru all kinds of wild changes. Although sometimes it is nice when our bodies are screaming for that physical connection all the time – it can present its challenges too. With an understanding of God’s design of the importance of physical connection, we can move past just our hormones determining when we connect and make it a priority. Most times, if we give our husbands a chance to get us in the mood, our bodies will get on board and thoroughly enjoy it. You might check out this article CRAVE your husband

    • I have had a similar experience, Sarah, where I felt that hunger during pregnancy but I don’t physically feel it after I give birth. Like, ever. If I waited until my body desired sex, we would never have it. Knowing that I do enjoy it once we’ve started, as it sounds like you do too, I *choose* to have sex frequently (usually no more than 3 days). My best friend says my hubby is lucky to have a high libido wife, but I guess I don’t know what that means because I don’t ever “desire” sex, I just choose it, if that makes sense. And I choose it for me, not just my hubby. First, even though I am rarely aroused even when we have started having sex, my body eventually catches up and I enjoy myself (though I am extremely jealous of your multiples!!). I also know I feel better about myself and about my husband and even about life in general when we have frequent sex. And so I want sex, in that sense, even though I don’t “feel like” having sex; I just choose to because I know I will be glad I did. And I always am! Does that make any sense?

    • It *might* be hormonal, especially if you were breastfeeding. If you feel it may be hormonal, then I would suggest getting checked out by a specialist, or even a doctor trained in Natural Procreative Technology, as they can determine whether or not postpartum hormonal levels are skewed and causing low libido and find you ways to treat it.

      It could be something else as well, but I thought I would share that. 🙂

  5. If she wants it, she should have it. Period, end of story. (If she wants it several times she should have that.)
    However, we’ve heard from women AND MEN who sometimes want to have sex without orgasm. Usually, this is because they find orgasm difficult but still want the intimacy. Some find once without makes it easier to get there the next time. Some understand their spouse wants more sex and they would rather have sex without orgasm than say no or do something short of intercourse.
    That said, this can easily become a bad habit or a trap, so it needs to be done with ongoing communication.

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