mind over matter 2

One of the things that made the biggest difference in my ability to enjoy intercourse was my mind. Women hear that the mind is our biggest sex organ and most of us agree. How many of us put that reality to use, and transform our sexual experiences by engaging our mind?

It is not uncommon to hear young brides express their confusion when the one thing that they have so carefully guarded, intercourse, does absolutely nothing for them. Some have masturbated and know the pleasure of orgasm and expect that intercourse will be the most magical experience. Instead they are left feeling confused and disillusioned.

I remember my young husband asking after intercourse, “Did you feel anything?”, and thinking to myself, “Not really”. It’s not that intercourse felt painful, it just literally did not feel like anything. Eventually I believed this was just how it was going to be. We practiced the “she comes first” mantra and for years it worked for us.

So what changed?

Although this article could be helpful for anyone, it is part of a series “How to have  an orgasm during intercourse”. If you are working towards that goal, please make sure that you read my previous articles The Big Question, His and Her KegelsTalk about What?Flexibility TrainingDifferent Pathways, and The Man Factor

Knowledge is powerful, and the internet is an amazing resource. Reading testimonies of other women gave me the courage to hope and to believe that pleasurable intercourse was possible. When we believe it is possible, we actually have a chance.

Start Fresh

One of the first steps that I took was to discard all my preconceived ideas of what intercourse looks like. Whether we realize it or not we tend to model intercourse after how it is portrayed in media. For centuries, sex has largely been defined by men and by what works for men. The skin to skin friction of thrusting the penis in and out of the vagina provides great stimulation for men, but does absolutely nothing for most women. Wipe out any ideas that you have in your head of what intercourse should look like. Start with a clean slate and go on a journey of discovering what does feel good.

Explore Pleasure Spots

Spend some time exploring with your husband what feels good during intercourse. Have your husband enter you and then both of you lay still. Can you feel his penis inside of you? Can he feel your vagina?  Squeeze your husband’s shaft with your kegel muscles. What does it feel like? Have your husband position himself so that the head of his penis is barely in your vagina. How does it feel? How about a little deeper? How about angled toward you front wall? What does it feel like when his body is pressed completely against yours? Can you feel pressure on your clitoris? Experiment with different movements and tempos of movement. Stay connected by maintaining eye contact and focusing on feeling him.


Spend time dreaming and visualizing what would feel good during intercourse. What spots would he hit with his penis? How fast would he move? How would you move?  What would his body feel like? How would he hold you? How would things ramp up as you accelerated toward climax? What would it feel like when you came? Imagine pleasure and even orgasm happening.

Positive Connections

Create positive experiences with your husband’s penis. Lubricate yourself, straddle him and use the head of his penis to stimulate your clitoris or vulva. Enjoy the stimulation even to the point of orgasm if you want. Or have him stimulate your clitoris and inner lips by moving his penis across you. The point is to begin to associate pleasure with his penis.

On my own journey, I sometimes felt like I was trying so hard to have an orgasm during intercourse, that I had both hands clenched and an iron jaw.  Failure and disappointment resulted in me bursting into tears as I curled into a ball.

Let Go and Let God

What finally made a difference for me was letting go of the control. I prayed with my husband and told God that it was up to Him. I told God I was going to be thankful for every new experience I enjoyed with my husband, and that if I never experienced an orgasm during intercourse, I was good. With a plan B in place, we stopped worrying about orgasm, and started enjoying what was happening.

Sex is this weird balance between relaxing and enjoying the ride, while feeling and chasing after our desires.  Our mind is our most powerful sex organ. Slow things down, feel him, explore and map good sensations, fill your mind with expectations, and enjoy the journey. It is all good.

Coming next week – Positions and Movement

Comments 0

  1. Your suggestion about “straddle him and use the head of his penis to stimulate your clitoris… To the point of orgasm” was the biggest step forward my wife and I have ever made in connecting sexually. This unlocked a whole new world of experiences for us. Prior to this, we had used the typical “intercourse for him, manual stimulation for her” because of what I assumed was “PE” on my part. Come to find out, we just had no clue what we were doing.

    For the husband readers of this blog: it’s all about finding what provides maximum pleasure for your wife while providing the least stimulation for you. Most husbands can stay sufficiently aroused just by the mental aspect of sex without needing direct stimulation to “stay in the game”. Using the shaft in the above-mentioned method, rather than the head, can help accomplish this. Once we realized that my wife can achieve orgasm through stimulation involving the penis, we had a huge mental shift: I can now last 10 times longer, and her orgasms come faster than ever. Still working towards orgasm by penetration alone, but its definitely attainable. This coming from the guy who thought he would never reach the one minute mark.

    • William,
      Thanks for the great comment. One of the great side benefits of discovering the movement that works for your wife is that it usually helps the husband to last longer. Glad that you are excited and enjoying the journey of figuring things out.

  2. Indeed our minds are such an important part of the equation for fulfilling sexual intimacy in marriage!

    I am curious why you say, “Thrusting the penis in and out of the vagina provides great stimulation for men, but does absolutely nothing for women.” Because while I’m sure that’s true for some women, I don’t believes it’s true for all. That friction can feel terrific for some wives and play a significant role in vaginal orgasm. Thoughts?

    • J Parker,
      I probably ought to start listening to my husband because he called me on that comment too. Maybe I ought to qualify that comment to “for most women”.
      I don’t think women get any real pleasure from the friction of the penis moving across the skin of the vagina. There are few nerves on the surface of the vagina and in fact you hear the comparison that it is similar to attaining an orgasm from the stimulation of the man’s testicles.
      I think the pleasure from intercourse comes from several different pathways. The main ones I am focusing on are clitoral, G-spot and Deep spot.
      You can stimulate the clitoris by grinding on his body, or by the tugging and pulling of the skin around the clitoris during intercourse.
      You can stimulate the G-spot by pressing into it with the penis, or firmly passing the head of the penis over it.
      You can stimulate the Deep spot during deep thrusting that presses into it.
      There may be other spots that are sensitive, but it is not just the friction caused by the penis on the surface of the vagina.

      My goal is to get women that do not experience pleasure during intercourse to key into what creates pleasure for them, and to be able to connect how you do this during intercourse.
      I hope that helps.

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