It takes two to tango – and it takes two to work towards having an orgasm during intercourse. My husband was a huge part of my learning to have an orgasm during intercourse. He gave me permission and encouraged me to take control of the movement so that I could figure out what felt good. His increased control of ejaculation allowed me plenty of time to experiment. He learned my orgasm triggers so that he could use them at just the right time. Most importantly, he made sure that I was never left hanging after intercourse so that every experience was positive. A sensitive, caring husband can make intercourse enjoyable whether their wife orgasms or not.
Although this article could be helpful for anyone, it is part of a series “How to have an orgasm during intercourse”. If you are working towards that goal, please make sure that you read my previous articles The Big Question, His and Her Kegels ,Talk about What?,Flexibility Training,and Different Pathways
The movement that feels good to women during intercourse may be very different than the movement that feels good to men. The in and out friction that men enjoy on their penis does absolutely nothing for women. Many women enjoy a much slower movement, and may at times even desire stillness. Typical movements include grinding, or pressing into each other – which is also going to help husbands last longer. Your wife may not know yet what feels good so let her experiment by encouraging her to take the lead. Lie still while she controls the movement in the woman on top position, or have her move your hips in missionary. Throw out all preconceived ideas of what intercourse looks like and just give her the freedom to experiment and feel you. Study her movements, sensitive spots and tempo so you can learn what feels good to her.
The more control you have over ejaculation, the better. I could probably write an entire article on this, but I want to at least give you a few ideas. Hopefully you have been doing your Kegel exercises to strengthen your pc muscles. During intercourse, it is important to focus on relaxing your pc muscles. Tension, anxiety and worry can all trigger ejaculation. Instead focus on feeling and connecting with your wife. If you sense yourself getting to the point of no return during intercourse you can decrease stimulation by slowing down, use deep relaxed breathing, or squeeze your Kegel muscles to attempt to regain control.
A common mistake that men make when they desire to last longer is to decrease any foreplay of their penis. As their penis gets touched less and less, their fuse can get shorter and shorter. Instead train your penis to handle more stimulation by asking your wife to love you with manual or oral stimulation. Have her back off slightly as you get to the point of no return to regain control. The longer you can last during oral or manual stimulation should translate to lasting longer during intercourse.
Obviously your age, and the frequency you have sex will affect your control. As I said before, if your wife’s desire is to have an orgasm during intercourse, the more you practice, the more comfortable you will be; and the more you learn, the more you will know each other.
Every woman has different orgasm triggers. Your job is to learn your wife’s triggers and deploy them at just the right moment when she needs that extra little push to take her over the top.
My husband likes to call this, “the push to pass”. In auto racing each car has a button that a driver can only push a couple of times during a race. The goal is to save that button for critical times when a burst of power can take him past another car. If you use the button too much in the beginning of the race, it may no longer work when you most need it near the finish line.
Your wife’s orgasm trigger might be touching her nipple a certain way, or tickling the back of her neck. Some women like to have their perineum or anus touched just at the height of excitement. Words can be a powerful orgasm trigger. Simple phrases like, “I love you”, “I see you”, “Just let go”, or “______”. Sometimes a husband’s excitement or raw nakedness with his desires and words can act as a trigger. Women can have more than one trigger and can develop new triggers. Pay attention to new ways that give your wife that boost. Save different triggers for different time. Don’t forget the concept of “push to pass”. If it is something that you deploy all throughout sex, it will lose its power. Save it for when you need it most.
A caring husband will many times subscribe to the “she comes first” strategy, but sometimes you need to just go for it. You need to bring your wife along, creating tension through oral or manual stimulation and then moving to intercourse as her arousal increases. Ask her to take the lead and get in sync with her movements and tempo. Focus on connecting – feeling each other, seeing each other, hearing each other – and thank God for every new sensation. And after you finish, offer her more. Whether she didn’t finish, or just wants another orgasm, make sure that she is absolutely satisfied – don’t set up an association of disappointment with intercourse. It is time to employ Plan B.
This is where things get tricky. Your wife may tell you that she is done simply because she feel s bad about asking for more, or she may shut done because she is disappointed in herself. The gentle reassurance that you love pleasuring her may open her up, but it will take gentle consistency for her to believe you. Other times, she may truly be done, and should not be pressured.
Sorry guys, but there is no simple answer. It is like when you ask your wife how she is, and she says “fine.” “Fine” can mean “fine”, or it can mean “I really need you to open me up and love me.” Just do your best to love her, and know that all of us women are a little crazy, but that is one of the reasons that sex never gets boring.
I think we believe a lie that our spouse is always supposed to give us our orgasm. Women especially feel like they must just lay back and their husband will take care of them. The truth is that when men want to orgasm, they move exactly like they need to move in order to get there. In reality, we all must take responsibility for our own orgasm while sharing the experience with our spouse. As we show and communicate our needs and desire, we get to know each other.
Share in this journey of your wife learning to orgasm during intercourse by encouraging her to take control and learn what feels good. Study her, feel her and love her and you cannot go wrong.