The Big Question – How Do I Have an Orgasm During Intercourse

big-questionIt is the question women most often ask about sex,

“How do I have an orgasm during intercourse?”

I have to be honest, when I got married 25 years ago and had questions about sex I bought a secular book, “For Yourself” by Lonnie Barbach. Typical of most secular books, it clearly communicated that the chances of women having an orgasm during intercourse were pretty slim, so just concentrate on what did work, and enjoy it.

So that’s what we did. We basically subscribed to the “she comes first” mantra, then afterward my husband would enjoy finishing inside of me.

But the last few years I have read a ton of books on sex, both secular and Christian, and there is a huge divide in what they teach. Even though the Christian books may teach manual techniques for a woman to figure out how to have an orgasm, they all progress to how to have an orgasm during intercourse. Whether it is the perfectly timed transition from foreplay to intercourse, or the strategic tilt of her hips, it can make you feel like everything should just fall into place if you follow the magic formula. It seems like there ought to be a middle ground.


Most people agree that roughly 1/3 of women orgasm during intercourse hands free, 1/3 with some extra stimulation by a hand or vibrator, and 1/3 may never orgasm during intercourse. I think as Christians, we need to be very careful not to create a hierarchy of what kind of sex is best. God created it all, and they are all awesome ways to connect. Don’t feel like you are not having “real sex” because you have not experienced orgasm during intercourse.

The better question is, “Are you getting to know your spouse?” Because if everything clicked from the beginning, and you are still doing what worked, are you still getting to know them?

That was where my husband and I had settled. We figured out what worked, and we stayed there for years, because it was a safe place. We didn’t have to talk about some hard things or fumble through awkward exploring.

But our sex life has changed drastically in the last 4 years. We have gone from the tried and true of “here we go again”, to a smorgasbord of variety and a sense of “every time is new”.

So while I don’t think that having an orgasm during intercourse is the only “real way” to have sex, it can be a journey of getting to know each other that has many dimensions. Though you may or may not get there, if you enjoy the journey, you will certainly learn new things along the way.

For the next 10 weeks, I will be writing a series on Mondays “How to have an orgasm during intercourse”.

So here are the ground rules….

  1. There is no “right way” to have sex – God created it all and it is all good
  2. There is no magic formula – we are all very different
  3. Enjoy the journey – if you have become so goal focused or frustrated that you are not connecting with your spouse, than you need to take a step back.
  4. Get rid of all preconceived notions of what intercourse looks like – what you see in the movies is what works for men. Allow yourself to explore outside of this box and find out what you enjoy.
  5. Let go of the control – don’t try so hard, be present, ask God to help you just relax and enjoy the ride
  6. Never say never – if you are one of those people that has never experienced an orgasm during intercourse, you need to know that it can still happen. In fact, I would say that you need to start imagining it happening. The minute you say it will never happen, is the minute that you have shut yourself down.

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